Blaze pounds me on the back, trying to be helpful, but making it worse.
“Word is, this job shouldn’t take us very long at all. The main part’s done now that the president and his sons are out of the way,” he says after I get my coughing back under control. “You can just call her. Tell her you’re delayed.”
I look at him, speechless. Of course he’d have the solution to my problem, why wouldn’t he? He’s always had it until now.
“You’re a fucking genius, Blaze,” I say as I pull my phone from my pocket.
“And don’t you forget it,” he says and gets up, picking up my trash along with his before going to the door.
“I’ll try not to,” I say with a huge grin on my face.
“You always do,” he says, tosses our trash in the bin by the door, and exits.
It takes some work getting the number for the motel I left Brenda at because I was sure its name was Lone Star, but it’s actually Lucky Star. How fitting.
The receptionist’s nasal voice comes on after about ten rings.
“Room 6,” I say, and he drawls something I can’t make out before connecting me.
It rings and rings and rings. I just listen to the dial tone, trying not to think of the worst, although after five rings I’m pretty sure I’m not getting any good news at the end of this call.
The dial tone cuts off and my heart’s racing as I say, “Brenda?”
“Nah, man,” the receptionist’s voice says. I bet he’s that same pimply kid who rented me the room last night. “She left the room about an hour ago and headed towards the highway.”
“Fuck,” I mutter.
“Yeah, I get it. I doubt she’ll be back. Too bad you paid for the whole week in advance. But I guess if you want your money back, I can refund some of it.”
That’s the least of my worry right now.
“If she does come back, ask her to call me,” I say, reciting my number.
“This isn’t some fancy hotel with a messenger service, you know?” he snaps.
“Come on, do me a solid,” I say, gritting my teeth to stop myself from yelling at him.
"Fine, but I doubt she’s coming back,” he says. “She looked like a woman with places to be, if you know what I mean.”
I actually don’t know what he means, and I don’t want to. Just the fact that he was checking her out is making me see red. She’s supposed to be mine, goddamn it!
All the positivity I managed to scrape up by having some breakfast and acting on Blaze’s brilliant idea has gone down the drain again. Now I’m in a killing mood, which I guess works since that’s what we’re here for. Lucky star, my ass.
8
Brenda
I walked for ages, sweat flowing down my neck, face, and back in the heat and my legs getting progressively heavier, before I finally met another walker who told me the closest mall was actually in the other direction. And that there’s a frequent bus that goes to it.
She pointed out the bus stop, and I thanked her profusely like an idiot, explaining all about how I’m not from these parts, how I desperately need some lighter clothes for this weather, and how I wasn’t actually made for the heat. She nodded along but looked more and more alarmed the longer I spoke. I had all of that long wait for the bus and the long bus ride to the mall to wallow in my own weirdness and stupidity. By the time I finally reached it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go in at all. I felt like a homeless person in my dirty clothes, which were now soaked through with fresh sweat.
The mall is wonderfully cold and I sit in one of the lounging areas, the fake leather cooling my legs even through the jeans I’m wearing. I’m sharing the circular sofa with three guys of varying ages, the husbands and boyfriends forced to accompany their better halves here. They were all playing with their phones when I approached, but now they’re giving me lasting sideways glances. Getting noticed by men used to fill me with joy and made me feel good. But after my stint with the Sinners, I’m finding I’d rather just blend back into the background. At least until I can get the world back under my feet.
The mall is packed, new, and very upscale. Most of the stores are the expensive ones, the kinds I used to shop at when I had Monarch to pay for all of it. But I’ll only spend $50 and no more. I have to think about that bus ticket to Vegas. But do I even want to go home? What’s waiting for me there? Pissed off Monarch? All those other guys that me being with would piss off Monarch even more? My mom?
Homesickness and tears well up in my chest as I think of her and I can have none of that. She hasn’t been a real mom to me for more than fifteen years, she couldn’t be, because of her sickness, but still. Yet I want my mommy right now, so I better get shopping before I start crying for real.
Just like every mall anywhere, this one must have a cheap store or two. I’m an expert at finding nice things for cheap, that’s how I grew up. And I’m a pro at getting up after I fall. I’ve had to do that a bunch of times too.
Maybe I shouldn’t put any hopes in Colt coming back for me like he promised. Maybe I should do it all on my own. I have some practice in that too.
But that kiss…I’ve heard of kisses that send sparks of electricity through your whole body, and of kisses that flood you with rivers of soft sweetness like honey, but I’ve never actually experienced either of those things when getting kissed, or anything similar to them for that matter. I did always try to imagine I did, pretend I did. But that was all a lie. This morning, it wasn’t a lie.
Plus, he rode to my rescue like a real-life prince in shining armor…or on a shining steed, or however that saying goes.
Just the memory of those two things brings a smile to my face and makes all my other problems seem so much less than they really are.
That’s why I told him I’ll stay and wait for him. Because I want to know if it’s real. If it’s really happening to me. If it’s possible for me to fall in love. Or if all of that is just a figment of my deranged imagination and the consequence of my losing my mind. But even if that’s true, at least I’ll say goodbye to reality in a good way. So why am I even worrying over it?
The sun is starting to set when I get off the bus at the motel, carrying my purchases in two large plastic bags. I spent more than I set out to spend, but this is the start of my new life and I want to look pretty.
The sky over the motel is a gorgeous blend of earthy tones-yellow, orange, even brown, mixed in with purple and blue. I haven’t seen the sunset in months, I suddenly realize, while I was shackled behind the counter at the Sinner’s bar. Maybe I glanced at it during one of my many trips to the trash cans, but I didn’t notice it, and it certainly didn’t seem gorgeous to me. So many things I missed out on, so many things I lost. But they’re mine for the taking again.
But no bike is parked in front of room number 6. I was hoping Colt would be back, would be waiting for me in the little motel room that seems like a palace room compared to the cell-like, stinky bedroom I was forced to sleep in at the Sinner’s clubhouse.
But the room is empty and hot because the AC’s been off all day, and it doesn’t smell all that nice at all. The scent of toilet predominates, but there’s also that stench of old furniture used for a long time by many different people mixed in with it, and bleach. I’ve always associated the smell of bleach with blood. Or with something really dirty.