“Well…” I finally said, cheeks heating. “We… we had fun. We had a good night.” I paused. “Does it really have to mean anything?”
Even as the words formed on my tongue, I knew they were all wrong. But it was too late. I’d said them, and they hadn’t hung in the space between us for longer than a second before River rolled over onto his back, eyes on the ceiling and a short puff of a laugh from his chest.
“Of course.”
He shot up out of the bed before I could reach to stop him.
“I should have seen this coming,” he said, more to himself than to me. He shook his head, ripping open the top drawer of his dresser. He yanked on a fresh pair of boxer briefs, and then stomped into a pair of long johns. “Lucky for you, looks like it stopped snowing. We should have you out of here and on your way by lunch.”
He was already pulling on more clothing when my jaw fell open, and I watched the muscles of his back, blinking and trying to see my way out of the haze still pounding through my head. “Wait,” I tried, squeezing my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
When I opened my eyes again, River was still getting dressed.
“I just… I mean…” Every word I wanted to say was scrambled, and I found myself more and more confused as I tried to explain what I felt.
What did I feel?
“I’m leaving,” I reminded him. “I just… I came to surprise my family for Christmas, but I have a house-sitting job lined up in Corfu. And you…”
River stood straight after pulling socks on, his boots in his hands and his eyes landing hard on mine. “And I’m staying here. In boring Wellhaven,” he added, shaking his head before he gave me his back. “Where nothing that matters to you lives.”
My head snapped back as if he’d slapped me, and I rolled out of bed, wrapping the sheets around me. “Would you stop putting words in my mouth? You’re not even letting me speak.”
River spun on me. “Well, what could you possibly have to say that I’d want to hear right now, Eliza, if not that you’re back, you’re staying, and you want me?”
His chest puffed, up and down, his brows bent severely as he waited for me to respond.
I swallowed, trying to take a tentative step toward him, but as soon as I did, he backed away.
“Why is that the only option?” I asked softly.
I didn’t get the chance to get another word out before he scoffed, turning on me again and stomping toward the door. He yanked his coat off the rack, pulling it on one arm at a time.
“You’re such a stubborn ass!” I screamed, following him. “We were drunk. Wasted, okay? And… and…” I lost steam, waving my hand around, because the truth was that I didn’t know what to say about last night.
Had we been drunk? Yes.
Had we done what we did only because we were drunk?
Would I take it back now that I was sober?
I knew the answers to those questions, and yet still, panic was flittering through me like a thousand angry wasps, muddling my words and making it impossible for me to see straight.
“It’s fine, Eliza,” River said, and this time, his voice was more subdued. His eyes met mine only briefly before he tugged on his hat, his gloves. He paused, opening his mouth before he shut it again, and then he just shook his head and walked out the door.
He had to give it a hard shove with his shoulder, clearing the bit of snow that had been blown over the porch despite the roof that hung over it. But once he made it out, he closed the door behind him, leaving me in the wake of the cold air that had rushed in.
I pulled the sheet tighter around me, staring at the door for a long moment before I looked down at Moose who was whimpering softly at my feet.
“It’s okay, boy,” I said, bending to pet behind his ear.
I just wished I believed my own words.
River spent the morning shoveling snow, and I spent it trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
I made a pot of coffee, and considered taking him a Thermos of it, but knew by the way he was heaving snow that he wouldn’t take it. The same way I was sitting with my thoughts to try to work through them, he was working through his own by grunting and sweating and making his back ache.
So, I watched him from the window, holding my coffee between my hands more for warmth than to actually drink. And all the while, I stared at that boy, that man, the one I’d never expected to run into.
The one I’d run away from.
Nothing made sense. Finally, after years of wondering why he didn’t ask me to stay, why he didn’t come with me, why he didn’t fight for me at all, I knew the reason why.
And somehow, it made me hurt even more than when I didn’t know at all.
I was angry with him for not telling me, for stripping away my choice of what to do, had I known all the facts.
And I was thankful to him — for loving me enough to let me go, to shield me from the truth because he wanted my happiness more than his own.
And I was sad. God, I was so soul-crushingly sad. I was sad for the loss he had to endure on his own, for the years we’d lost that we could have been together, for the choice he had to make.
For the lack of choice he gave me.
I had plans. I had four weeks in Greece, and then a job on a river cruise in Austria, and then a three-month hiking trip along the southwest coast of the United Kingdom.
I had a new life now, and whether River had good intentions when he set me about it or not, he had chosen not to be a part of it. And now… now he wanted me to… to what?
I was only supposed to make a pit stop in Wellhaven.
I was only supposed to be here long enough to hug my family and have a little pie.
I was not supposed to get stuck in a cabin with my ex-husband, and I was certainly not supposed to sleep with him.
He’d ruined everything.
And now, I had a new longing in my gut, one I hadn’t felt in so long that I truly thought I was over him. Over us.
But had I really ever lost it?
Or was I just trying to deny its existence, to pretend I was okay for the sake of moving on?
My thoughts whirled in a vicious storm all morning like that, tossing me in waves between anger and sorrow until I felt nothing but washed up and shredded.
River dragged himself inside somewhere around one, shaking the snow off him as best he could on the porch before he came inside. A little trail of cigarette smoke followed him in, and he stripped off his hat and coat, hanging them by the fire before his gaze finally found me.
“Sidewalk’s clear, and I dug your car out, too. Skidder just came through with his snowplow. It’s not as big or as good as the city ones, but it’ll be a while before they make it out here.” River looked out the window. “Anyway, he’s got some crew coming behind him with sand to try to keep the roads drivable, at least for a while. So, you should be good to go.”
His eyes met mine briefly, and then he stalked over to the kitchen, pouring himself a finger of whiskey and throwing it back.
My rib cage shrank three sizes, the pressure so vicious on my lungs that I nearly keeled over. But instead, I crossed my arms over my chest to soothe it as much as I could, walking into the kitchen and leaning a hip against the counter.
I don’t want to go.