“You didn’t see him. He was so sure. He doesn’t want to be a father right now, Alicia. I’m not forcing that on him.” I sat up despite the wave of nausea that rolled over me at the movement. “I’m not forcing him on my child or my child on him.”
She paused, snapping a hair tie from around her wrist and pulling her hair back as if she was preparing for battle. “It’s not just your child, though. It’s his too. Surely, he should have some kind of say about whether he wants to be in the child’s life. You can’t just decide for him that you’d be forcing this on him.”
“He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want to be a father.” I’d heard of mood swings during pregnancy, but it was as if Alicia had flipped a switch in me. I’d gone from calm and complacent to annoyed, angry, and borderline teary in the space of a few minutes.
Alicia scoffed and scooted her chair closer to me, defiance in her eyes. “Caleb doesn’t know what it means to be a father. A lot of people are scared of kids until they have them. Whatever that women said to him must’ve scared the crap out of him. It doesn’t mean he’s not going to want to be a dad to his kid.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not pregnant. I know Jared’s all up in the clouds with you right now, but what would he say if you got pregnant now? Would he give up his lifestyle, the touring, whatever all else they’ve got going on? And that’s while you’re his fiancée! Caleb and I weren’t even really officially dating or anything. This isn’t easy.”
“I’m not pregnant,” Alicia confirmed, squaring her shoulders. “But I want to be.”
“What?” Our argument fell by the wayside as her confession shocked my socks off. “What’re you talking about?”
“Jared and I have talked about it. We’re going to start trying after the wedding.”
“You are?” I couldn’t believe it. Jared Larsen wanted a baby? Now? It seemed impossible. He was a good guy when he wanted to be and to those people he chose to let in on that little secret, but I couldn’t imagine him wanting to be a father.
“We are.” Alicia nodded, smiling softly. “Jared’s really excited about it. I know that you’ve seen it with Caleb too. They’re different than people think they are. You have to be honest with him, Kelly. Not telling him the truth has already screwed things up, and it’ll just keep doing it.”
“How did I screw things up?” I did what was best for everyone concerned. Why didn’t Alicia understand that?
“Jared said he’s not doing too well with the break up, to be honest. Look, I know what he said to you doesn’t sound good under the circumstances, but Caleb still deserves the truth. He can only really make a true decision about fatherhood after that. Lying doesn’t help either of you.”
“I didn’t mean to lie to him,” I told her miserably. “He just looked so happy. I didn’t want to take that away.”
Alicia’s tone gentled, and she crossed one of her legs under her, getting comfortable now for what would probably be the heart of our talk, now that the fight had left both of us. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe it would’ve made him happier? It would’ve been a shock, sure. But the two of you…”
“I know.” Though my sister had trailed off, I knew exactly what she’d stopped short of saying. “Originally, it was just about sex.”
“Tell me about it,” Alicia joked quietly, and I smiled, feeling tears welling in my eyes.
“Yeah, you know all about that. But for you guys, it all worked out in the end.”
“How do you know it won’t work out for you too? You of all people know what I had to go through with Jared to get to where we are now. If either of us had backed off at the first sign of trouble or disagreement, we would never even have started properly.”
“I guess.” Alicia and Jared had gone through a hell of a lot to get to where they were. “Being with Caleb wasn’t just about sex after a while, or even about the glamor of being with a rock star. It became so much more than that.”
“You wanna say it?” Alicia prodded, still wearing a small smile.
The tears that had been building finally broke free, streaming down my face as I nodded. “I love him. I’m so damn in love with him it hurts to breathe, but what am I supposed to do? This way, at least we can still be friends, and I won’t lose him from my life completely. What if I tell him, and he pushes me away? I couldn’t stand that, Alicia. I can’t lose him completely. I just can’t.”
Tears turned to sobs, wracking through my body. Alicia scooted over to me, wrapping her legs and her arms around me to comfort me with a full body hug, whispering soothingly to me as I finally broke down. I cried into my sister’s hair, totally clueless about what would happen after this.
Would I ever even resurface after this dam that’d burst inside of me dragged me under as it was doing now, making it difficult to breathe as my broken heart spread anguish to every molecule of my body, to every fiber of my being?
Chapter 27
Caleb
My knuckles wrapped at the plain wooden door. “Kelly? It’s me. Caleb.”
Only four numbers in pale gold distinguished it from every other room in the hotel, but none of the other rooms inhabitants had the power over me that this one did. My stupid heart, so cold and dead for so fucking long, had sputtered back to life with a vengeance, throwing itself against my breastbone as I waited to see whether Kelly would open the door for me.
“Just a minute,” she spoke from inside, surprise and something that sounded a lot like panic in her voice. I waited what felt like ten minutes before she finally opened the door.
It’d only been days since I’d seen her, but the sight of her took my breath away. Those forest green eyes were wide in surprise, gorgeous pools that I would’ve fall into if I could’ve. Her long blonde hair had been pulled back into a messy bun low in her neck, tendrils hanging loose over a black U2 shirt.
Seeing her back in one of her old band shirts made my heart swell and feel warm. It was an unfamiliar feeling, but it wasn’t one that I objected to. Her toned legs and that luscious ass were hidden beneath black tights, the shape of her body making mine come alive despite her modest clothing.
“Caleb.” She just about whispered as she looked at me, blinking like she thought she was imagining me there. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk. Do you have a second?” I had no intention of leaving here until we talked, even if it meant sitting my ass down on the carpet outside her room and waiting until she was ready to. Jared’s words had haunted me all night the previous night and had stuck with me all day.
He was right. I was a coward if I just walked away. I didn’t know what it was, but something had happened in between that perfect morning after Kelly and I had decided to give it a real try and that day that she came to see me after Elizabeth had been by.
I needed to know what it was that had changed. More specifically, what had changed her mind about being with me. Then I needed to try changing it back, to convince her to give me a chance.