Chapter Four
Flame
I gripped Maddie’s hand as the truck stopped in the parking lot of the clubhouse. Music was coming from inside. Hush and Cowboy’s truck pulled up beside us. Sia jumped out and waved at Maddie. Maddie waved back with her free hand. I wasn’t letting go of the one I was holding. Hush and Cowboy followed Sia inside. The door closed behind them. Shadows of my brothers moved inside. I stared at the doors. I didn’t wanna go in there. I didn’t wanna be here. I wanted to stay at the cabin with Maddie, and not fucking move.
“Flame?” I turned to face Maddie. She smiled at me, but it was different to normal. All her smiles were different now. I struggled to read the new type. I didn’t know what they meant. I shifted on my seat when my veins began to ache in my arms. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fucking stand it. “We do not have to stay long. Just long enough to celebrate Azrael and Talitha.” Maddie squeezed my hand again. But the ache in my veins grew worse, her touch was no longer making it better. Maddie pressed her forehead to mine. I tried to pull back, but her free hand came up to my cheek and stopped me. I listened to Maddie breathe. When she slept every night, I listened to her breathe. Made sure her chest went up and down. Made sure her heart still beat in her chest. I didn’t sleep much. Whenever I did, I saw her dead. Saw Maddie’s eyes closed and the baby inside her dead too. I never wanted her eyes to be closed again. I needed them open and looking at me so I knew she was okay. She said nothing was going to happen to her. But I knew it would. The flames were going to make something happen to her. The evil inside me was going to destroy her. Like it had everyone else.
“Children are a good thing, baby,” she whispered. “It is joyous to celebrate them coming into the world. They are the living embodiment of love, of the parents who created them out of such fierce love.” Maddie pulled back. Her eyes were shiny. My stomach clenched. When they were shiny, it normally meant she was sad.
“You’re sad,” I said. Maddie dropped her head. It’s because you’ll be a fuck up of a papa, and she knows it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hearing my poppa’s voice in my head. And you’re gonna be an old man… good luck with that… Ash’s voice came next. He thought I was going to hurt him in the woods. Thought I was going to give him more scars on his stomach. Maddie was sad because she knew I would end up hurting her and our kid, just like Ash thought I would eventually hurt him too.
Maddie’s hand came back onto my cheek. She lifted my head. “I am not sad, like you think,” she whispered. I didn’t know why else she would be sad, if not for thinking I was letting her down. “Flame,” she continued. “I am sad that you believe you are not worthy of being a father.” Maddie traced her finger around my face. I loved her touch. I always wanted her to touch me. But her words didn’t make sense to me. “I am sad that you believe you could hurt us.” Maddie’s hand left my face and dropped to her stomach. My heart started beating fast. Inside of her was our baby. I didn’t want to hurt the baby.
Maddie took hold of my hand and tried to put it on her stomach. I ripped my hand away. “No!” My lungs squeezed tight. My heart beat too fucking fast. I couldn’t touch her stomach. I couldn’t ever touch the baby.
“Flame…” Maddie whispered. “I am scared too.” My eyes flicked to hers as her voice sounded strange. Cracked. “You are not alone in that. But with you by my side, I am strong. Ever since I met you, I have found a strength in me I never believed possible.” I closed my eyes. She made me stronger too. I couldn’t live without her.
“Touch me, Flame. Do not pull away.” Maddie leaned in. “Kiss me. I need you to kiss me.” I wanted to. My eyes flicked to her stomach, but Maddie leaned in again until she was all I could see. Her green eyes were huge. She was so fucking beautiful. The flames in my blood were too hot, too fucking strong, but I gritted my teeth and pushed past the pain. I kissed Maddie on the lips. I growled when the demons inside me told me to pull away. But she was mine. I couldn’t lose her. And I wanted to kiss her. Her kisses made everything better.
“Come,” Maddie said, pulling back to release my hand. “Let us go inside.” I jumped out of the truck and hurried to the passenger side door. Maddie smiled her usual smile when I opened her door and lifted her from the truck. I fucking loved that smile. That smile made it so I could breathe.
As we entered the clubhouse, kids were everywhere. The door shut behind us. We were trapped. Maddie began to pull us forward toward her sisters when a baby started screaming. It was like a knife to my fucking skull. The baby screamed again. I shut my eyes as the sound echoed round my head. I was in darkness. The dirt was beneath me, around me. And he was beside me, red and screaming… he wanted me to pick him up, but I couldn’t pick him up. I had just killed mama with my touch. I didn’t wanna hurt him too… but he kept screaming, kept crying… I didn’t know what to do. He was all I had. My baby brother…
“You are safe here.” Maddie’s voice cut through the darkness. When I opened my eyes, she was in front of me. “Azrael is not hurt, he is just a baby crying for his mama because he is hungry.” I looked to Lilah who was walking away with Azrael. “He is safe. See? All the babies here are safe and happy. No one is hurting them.” I nodded, but I felt like I was coming out of my skin—my veins, and blood, and bones all trying to crawl out of my body, to get the fuck away. I was hot. I felt too fucking hot, and I couldn’t stand still. “Let us sit down.”
I gripped Maddie’s hand and sat down at a table. I pulled her onto my lap when she tried to sit on the seat beside me. I was keeping her close, real close. I kept my hands away from her stomach. She said I wouldn’t hurt her, but I knew I better. I had to protect her. Maddie leaned in, laying her head on my shoulder when I struggled to sit still. I breathed in her scent. I wrapped my hand in her hair and let her calm me. Maddie started talking to Mae. When she spoke, the sound vibrated from her back against my chest. When she laughed, my fucking lungs stopped being so damn tight and allowed in air. I had to keep her here. If she stayed with me, I wouldn’t hurt any of the babies with my flames.
Viking and AK pulled chairs round the table beside us. Rudge, Hush, Cowboy, Tanner, Tank, Bull and Styx came next. Beau was there too. He was the new prospect. He was patched in last week along with Samson and Solomon. They weren’t prospects like Ash or Zane. Styx had given Beau, Solomon and Samson more responsibilities. They were allowed to take part in church. They didn’t have to do any of the grunt shit.
Beau sat next to Tanner. Tanner said something to him, and Beau smirked. I watched them. They were brothers. Samson and Solomon sat down next. They were brothers too, twins. Samson said something, I didn’t hear what, and Solomon laughed. Brothers. Beau and Tanner. Solomon and Samson. They were brothers. Was that how brothers were meant to be?
I didn’t ever laugh with Ash. He didn’t laugh with me. Looking just like someone we both knew, brother… You gonna hit me, Josiah? I heard Ash’s voice in my head. He said I was like my poppa. I didn’t think I was like my poppa. But he thought I was. I didn’t want to be. Poppa hurt my mama. He hurt me and Ash and Isaiah.