“You’re broken, and you depend on those looks to give you something you’ve been without. It doesn’t work that way, little lady. And instead of purposely dropping those Skittles into my lap –”
“M&Ms, actually.”
“Next time a simple ‘hello’ would suffice.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat as I replied, “That’s not true.”
“Which part?”
Waiting for me to respond, he cocked his head to the side and settled his eyes on my lips. A part of me wondered if he’d cut the short distance and just kiss me, because lord knows he looked like he wanted to ravage every inch of me.
And dare or no dare, I needed that bloody kiss like a pauper needed money.
“Who are you?” I breathed out in wonder. I’d never dare ask a question like that before, but, damn, I was in a trance and wasn’t thinking straight.
He licked his lip slowly, and something dark passed through his eyes. “Someone that’s no good for you, beauty.”
I swallowed an even bigger lump. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means it would do you no good to know.”
“Why?”
“Your world is too safe.”
I inched a little closer to his face. “What’s so unsafe about yours?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Maybe I do.”
He just stared back at me. I felt a tremor run down my spine. A tight feeling emerged in my chest, and my mind screamed to back away – that I was being drawn into a web I didn’t want to get stuck to.
He was dangerous. I didn’t know how I knew that, I just did. And my naivety made it all the more thrilling. I yearned for excitement in my life. Maybe I just landed on it.
Disrupting our bizarre moment, the train came screeching to another halt. Realization dawned in his eyes as he moved away from me and looked over at our stop.
Then he stood up!
It was like being torn from the bubble we’d allowed ourselves in. Suddenly I remembered we were in a crowded space, and now he was going.
Panic flooded me. NO! I didn’t want him to leave me.
“This is my stop,” he said, looking down at me as he buttoned up the top of his jacket. “It was very nice chatting with you, little lady.”
So that was it? No “what’s your number, little lady?” Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
I didn’t respond to him, even though he waited briefly for one. When it was apparent my stunned ass had nothing to say, he shot me a nod and ambled off to the doors. I watched in despair as he stood within steps from leaving.
“You didn’t kiss him!” hissed Emily into my ear.
My eyes widened. Skank was right.
Without thinking, I stood up and took off after him, carelessly shoving aside the people in my way. He couldn’t walk out of my life. I wouldn’t let him. He stepped off the train just as I grabbed the sleeve of his jacket. Startled, he looked back. His eyes widened when they met mine.
“I forgot something,” I breathlessly said, standing on the threshold of the train.
“What was that –” I cut him off with a kiss. My hand gripped his collar as I pressed my lips harshly against his. It was a quick – yet long somehow – meeting of the lips that made my heart race and my body tingle. This… this felt different somehow.
To my surprise, he kissed back, moving his soft lips over mine with a lot more delicacy than me. He tasted of mint and all male, and I would have done anything to slip my tongue into his mouth. Dammit, why didn’t I?
I pulled away and smiled.
Wow.
Un-fucking-believable.
“What’s your name?” he suddenly asked. The emotion on his face conveyed an urgency to know. It made my heart constrict and then explode.
“Claire,” I answered just as I stepped back and let the doors close between us.
He stood still, frozen to the concrete, and watched me in startled fascination. And then the train started again.
For the first time in my entire life I felt loss after an encounter with a stranger. My happiness dissipated the second he disappeared from view. Who was he?
I would soon be too distracted by pain to care.
Two
All my ugly
…One year later…
“Were you just fucking my guy, you stupid cunt? I’m gonna fuck you up, you trashy little slut.”
Trying to get away, I hurried down the alleyway. But hands grabbed my hair and pulled me back. I fell to the ground, air knocked out of me.
“You just fucked him, didn’t you? I’ll fuck you up!”
SMASH!
*****
I opened my eyes, barely able to breathe from the fear. I sat up, with a hand over my chest as I fumbled out of the sheets and jumped out of bed. My heart was racing, my skin was slick with sweat, and my mouth wide open. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. An acidic taste swept my throat, and I knew what was coming.
I raced out of my room and down the hallway, colliding into the door of the bathroom. Shaking, I opened it just in time as puke erupted from out of my mouth. Half of it spilled over the tile floor before I reached the toilet. My body shook violently as I unloaded last night’s small piece of lasagne. Pressure built in my throat and head. All I wanted to do was breathe.
After I expelled everything and then some, I collapsed, half drenched in the vomit on the floor. Not wanting to feel my face, I threw my shirt off and wiped it. I stunk.
I’m vile. So fucking vile.
I groaned and shook. But this time it was sobs coming out of my mouth. I curled up in a ball and pitied my existence for the millionth time this year.
My heart hurt. My chest ached. My body felt weak. My life sucked.
So I cried. Even though it didn’t make me feel better, I cried.
*****
I spent an hour cleaning up my mess. It would have probably taken ten minutes if I actually gave a fuck. Then I took a shower and sat curled up on the tile floor. The water pounding down on me was cathartic. I liked to imagine the water had a healing power and could take away all my ugly.
I stood up on numb legs after and stepped out. I didn’t glance in the mirror once as I dried myself off and headed back to my bedroom. I threw an overgrown sweater on and baggy pants. I tied my hair up and slipped into my beaten up sneakers. Then I grabbed the keychain off my desk and threw my backpack strap over my shoulder.
The day was still young as I moved through the still house. I grabbed my lunch from out of the fridge and slipped out. I put my hood over my head and ambled down the sidewalk. It was a chilly morning. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared down at my feet as I walked. Despite the early start, cars were motoring down the roads speedily on my way to the bus stop.
I saw the same few people waiting when I got there. I felt their momentary stares, but never was there a word spoken. It was okay like that. Strangers weren’t very friendly, and that was exactly what I liked about people these days. They kept to themselves and were too concentrated on having their eyes plastered to their phone screens.
I didn’t even have a phone anymore. That was my own personal choice, and one that Mom forever scolded me about. There was an irony to that.
However, I wasn’t some electronic boycotter with a message to send. I did have an MP3 player, and it was my most treasured item I carried with me wherever I went.