I looked at him, smiling cruelly because he really didn’t understand, and it was finally time for me to admit what I already knew all along. “You don’t get it, Flynn. Nixon would spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day looking for me. He would burn every inch of this earth, kill all who stood in his path, until he found me. There is no escaping him. He will always find a way. I am…crucial to his existence.”
Flynn absorbed my words, shaking his head slightly. “That’s a fucked-up way to love, don’t you think?”
The doors opened just then, and Nixon’s men walked out, one after the other. My lips turned down as I shot Flynn a look of warning. “You won’t win,” I told him, sternly. “Whatever you’re thinking of doing to hurt or defy him, stop. It is suicide.”
Flynn stood tall, looking positively feral as the men formed a circle around us. He spun around, looking from face to face, like he was ready to challenge them. His act of rebellion was over. Nixon had sent for me, just like I figured he would.
“You going to hurt me?” Flynn barked at them, clenching his fists.
“We’re not here for you,” one of them said, tilting his head in my direction. “Time to come back in, Vixen.”
The moment was over.
I sucked in another breath of air, staring up momentarily at the sky once again. I didn’t know what awaited me when I returned. For the first time in so long, I actually felt afraid.
“It’s going to come to an end,” Flynn whispered to me. I looked back at him now. He was searching my eyes, smiling softly. “It will be okay, Vixen.”
I didn’t respond to him.
I turned and made my way back to the doors, willingly stepping back into my cage.
It hurt to leave the sun behind.
23.
Vixen…
I was told to go back to my room, and I didn’t pause to do so. On my way to the elevators, I walked past Doll. She grabbed me by the arm, her grip tight, and forced me close to her. Her face was so close to mine, her big brown eyes were wide and filled with warning. “You better not hurt that man, Vix. He killed for you, went through hell to keep you. If you ever think about leaving, understand you’ll never find that kind of devotion from a man again.”
Then she let me go and watched me enter the elevator. I swallowed the dizziness I felt. My stomach churned anxiously as I pressed the button, pleading for the doors to close. And when they did, my eyes jumped to the camera in the corner, watching me. It took everything not to fall apart.
When I reached the top floor, I walked on shaky legs to the apartment. I wasn’t sure if Nixon was going to be there, but I held my breath, anticipating it.
The apartment was quiet when I stepped in. I looked around the kitchen and then the living room, searching for any sign of him. I took another step in and almost tripped. I looked down, and my chest tightened at the sight of his black Derby shoes.
He was here.
Just as I saw them, I heard his movements and looked up. He was at the bedroom door, staring at me, wearing that same cold expression. The sleeves of his black sweater were rolled up, his hair looked unruly, like he’d run his fingers through it the way he did when he was pissed.
“Into the bedroom, baby,” he said, simply.
I began to shake my head, my worst fear coming true. “Please, Nixon. Don’t lock me back in.”
He just stared at me. “Into the room,” he repeated, his tone cold – so cold.
My body shook as I obeyed. I went to him, staring down at my feet the whole way. He was going to lock me back in, I just knew it.
I felt flat as I brushed past him and stepped into the bedroom.
“Nothing happened,” I explained quietly, aware he was standing closely behind me. “I don’t know why Flynn would react the way he did.”
He didn’t respond. Oh, my God, this was so unlike him. I turned around, eyes brimming with tears as I looked at him. He stood still, watching me closely with a dead expression. He looked so ominous. He was so big, and I was so small, and God, I’d never seen him turn his monstrous gaze to me before, but it was worse than I ever imagined it would be.
“Nixon,” I began to plead, “this isn’t you –”
“On the bed, Vix,” he ordered, his voice dangerously tight.
Breathing quick, I approached the bed on shaky legs just as he shut the door and locked it. It wasn’t to keep anyone out, I knew. It was to keep me from having a quick escape.
I took a seat on the edge of the bed and placed my hands in my lap. I kept my focus on the carpet. He stepped to me and let out a shocked breath. “Suddenly quiet, Vix?”
“What do you want me to say?” I whispered, deflated.
“Something catty,” he retorted. “Something mean.”
“I’m really not feeling it right now…”
“Why?” he demanded.
“Because you’re scaring me.”
The laugh that escaped his lips was fake. He moved to me and I tensed. Stopping in front of me, he ran his fingers down my hair, and then he began to ball it at the top of my head, gripping it tightly, forcing my face up to look at him. His eyes were dark and endless.
“Isn’t fear what you begged for?” he asked, edgily. “You spend so much time telling me you’re not scared of me anymore.” He gripped my hair tighter, making me wince. “Maybe it’s time I remind you what I’m capable of.”
My eyes misted over. “I know what you’re capable of.”
“Oh, so you remember?”
“No, but I know. Images come to me, Nixon, reminding me…reminding me why I HATE YOU!” I screamed suddenly as an image of blood and snow ran through me again. “You’re a monster.”
“I am,” he agreed, eyes alive. “Have I ever tried to convince you otherwise?”
“No,” I admitted, “but I forget it when you touch me softly, when you kiss me tenderly, when you say sweet things in my ear and make me feel like you care for me –”
“You want me to stop that?”
“Yeah, maybe I do.”
“Because you don’t like when I’m sweet to you?”
“I hate it,” I seethed. “I wish you’d just fuck me like a brute.”
His face tightened. “You act like you don’t remember, but you say shit like that. You’re in denial, baby –”
“I’m not your baby!”
He pushed me down. I twisted my body straight away and hurried away from him, but he climbed the bed and grabbed me again, turning me over like I was weightless. I screamed obscenities at him as he forced my arms over my head and moved over me, covering every inch of my body with his. His face dropped to mine, but he didn’t kiss me. He just watched with steely eyes as I unleashed my insults.
I hate you.
You’re a brute.
You’re a monster.
You like me defenceless.
You never cared.
I want to go home.
People are looking for me.
They are, Nixon.
Don’t shake your head like that.
They’re looking for me.
I mattered out there.
I did.
I really did.