How long was she going to spend in the restroom? Probably a long time. It was probably very difficult to go pretty much anywhere quickly when you were that heavily pregnant. He turned his attention to the fire. The flickering flames were making patterns against the green vertical stripes of the wallpaper. You could happily stare into a fire for a long time.
‘I love a fire.’ Izzy had come back into the room surprisingly quietly. The door must be well-oiled. ‘I can watch them for hours.’
‘Yeah, me too.’ Sam picked his jacket up from the chair, fast, so that she’d get the signal that he was leaving. ‘It’s been great to see you. Wish I could stay longer but work calls.’
‘Yes, it’s been really nice. I’m going to get going too.’ Izzy reached for her coat and then looked at her shopping. ‘Actually, I’m going to call a cab.’
‘How far do you live from here?’
‘Three roads away. But I have a lot of shopping. As you know. And normally I would never be a princess in a taxi with all my shopping bags, honest, but I’m a little out of bag-carrying condition at the moment.’ She lived three roads away. Extraordinary that they’d been living so close to each other in the Earl’s Court area for so long. They could have bumped into each other any time.
‘It isn’t really worth waiting for a taxi to travel three roads away when I could carry your bags for you. My good deed for the day. I have time.’ He could catch up on his work this evening, when the twins were in bed.
‘No, I couldn’t. And surely you’re good-deeded-out on the carrying bags front today.’
‘Seriously, not a problem. I don’t want to pressure you to walk if you don’t feel like it but if you do, without the bags, I’m absolutely happy to carry them. Little bit of fresh air.’ Izzy studied him for a long moment. Sam realised that he actually did want to carry the bags for her. It felt too abrupt to say goodbye right now. And if he was carrying her bags, there was nothing to feel guilty about, right? No, wrong. The guilt was still there. He smiled at her, just in case she could read his mind, to try to assure her that he did really mean it. She smiled back.
‘Okay, well, thank you very much. It’s very kind.’
* * *
‘Oh my goodness, it’s freezing,’ Izzy yelped as they emerged into what was now a very grey and icily drizzly afternoon. ‘I’m going to get actual frostbite on my toes.’ Sam looked down at her flip-flopped, scarlet-toenailed feet.
‘Would it be rude to ask what the rationale was behind your choice of summer footwear on this beautiful, sleety day?’
‘My feet are too fat for any of my other shoes.’
Sam looked more closely. She had to have painted her nails, and quite a lot of her toes, herself. A huge tummy in the way had to be the only explanation for them looking as though they’d been done by someone blindfolded. He turned his head away, worried that he was going to laugh.
‘Are you smirking about my badly painted nails?’
‘No, I am not,’ Sam lied.
‘Hmm. Men are so lucky not to have to be pregnant.’
‘That’s very true.’
‘And you get to wee standing up.’
‘Yup, the world’s a very unfair place.’ It really was. If it was a fair place, he’d have been free to go on that date with Izzy, all those years ago. Immediately, he felt more guilt, as though he’d just wished away Lana’s existence, which he would never do.
It was easy, walking along with Izzy. Companionable. They actually didn’t need to talk that much. Although, equally, they seemed to have a lot to talk about, like they could make a conversation out of anything.
Which was lucky, because she was slow. Remarkably slow. She had to stop on every corner, plus at least once on each of the few roads they walked along, for a rest, each time putting her hand into her back and leaning back on it, the classic uncomfortable pregnant woman stance.
‘So this is me.’ Izzy had led him to a flat-fronted terraced house.
Suddenly, the moment was awkward. And it was a long moment. Izzy spent minutes fumbling through her ridiculously large bag until she found her house keys while Sam stood next to her, still holding the bags.
She had the keys out and the door open eventually. Sam wasn’t going to offer to carry the shopping right inside, definitely too strange. As he deposited the bags just inside her hall, keeping his feet on the step outside the threshold, Sam got a glimpse of dark wooden floors and tasteful greige walls. Not very Izzy, he’d have thought; must be her banker husband. Maybe it had been his house first, and Izzy had added the flashes of purples and reds he could see in the cushions, curtains and pictures.
‘Thank you so much for helping me with my bags. And for keeping me company.’
Sam smiled at her. He knew that they weren’t going to exchange numbers, or email addresses, or anything. It wouldn’t be normal for a happily married woman who was planning to stay happily married to suggest staying in touch with the man she’d once asked out on his wedding day. And it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to suggest to that happily married woman that they stay in touch. And, really, he didn’t want to.
From the moment he’d purposely sat with his back to her in the greasy spoon, to squash his conviction that he’d just met the woman for him, fighting his desperation to turn round a) to see her again in that ridiculous elf costume, get another look at her face, her eyes sparkling with humour, her smile, and hear her speak again, and b) to see if she was looking at him, he’d known that it was a bad thing that he’d laid eyes on her that morning. He’d struggled not to think about her occasionally over the years. Which had been bad enough before Lana’s illness, and terrible after it.
Yep, he was absolutely not going to suggest exchanging details. This had to be it. This was like the library steps all over again. The longing, the temptation and the knowledge that it would be very much the wrong thing to do. And the guilt that he wanted to do the wrong thing, was even thinking about it. He’d only been at the library because they’d just got Lana’s diagnosis and he wanted to look at physical books instead of typing things like ‘breast cancer prognosis’ into his laptop and leaving a virtual trail that she might find when he was trying to be upbeat for her. And on that terrible day, when he should have been entirely focused on Lana, he’d seen and thought about Izzy. So wrong. Yep, he needed to go now.
‘So goodbye then.’ Maybe he should go in for a kiss on the cheek. Or maybe just an air kiss. No, no kiss. ‘Good luck with the baby.’ Izzy smiled at him, a wobbly smile. ‘The birth’ll be great. Like shelling peas.’ He couldn’t stop talking, wanting to take one little extra bit of conversation.
‘Yeah, I’ve heard that. It’ll be a walk in the park.’
‘Exactly.’ Right. Really time to go. It felt sad, but it shouldn’t. Izzy was obviously happy now. Married to a nice man. About to have a baby. All good. ‘Okay. Bye then.’
‘Bye.’
It was really hard to keep on walking to the end of the street without looking round.
Part Two
Five