Right. Here.
Control spirals farther and farther out of reach, and my world flips upside down with it. I press my lips together in an effort to keep fury trapped in my throat. Tenacity is the only thing preventing me from lashing out, and with my driver performing a disappearing act, I need to find my way home. A meltdown will only prolong this misery.
Suck it up, Lydia, I think to myself. You’ve gotten yourself out of bigger messes than this.
Stepping to the curb, I look from right to left, down the street illuminated by signal lights and passing headlights. The idea of Talent watching this pathetic display from his window gives me the muscle to raise my hand and hail a cab.
It takes mere seconds before a car stops to pick me up. I immediately open the passenger side door and get in, reciting my address. The cab driver stares at me through the rearview mirror, taking in my haphazard attire and ruined lipstick. Her attention flicks to the Ridge building, and we both know what she’s thinking.
Whore.
Passing her a hundred-dollar bill, I say, “I’m in a hurry.”
The cabbie merges into traffic, a hundred dollars richer. I’m thankful for her discretion. She can’t bring herself to speak to the prostitute in her back seat, and I can’t stomach a lie quick enough to appease her anyway.
What happened in Talent’s office is my worst-case scenario. He has the power to destroy my carefully crafted façade and the illusion of peace I’ve built in Grand Haven. How long will it take for him to find out who I am? The Ridge & Sons name is too important to get the authorities involved, but will he run me out of town? Do I have the strength to start over again in another city? Reinventing myself after my mom died was nearly impossible. What if I’m not tough enough to do it again?
Anxiety rocks me from the inside out. My knees, hands, and vision tremble. I hold on to the sticky fake-leather seat and bite the inside of my cheek as memories from my life before Inez and Hush course through my head. I know how temporary contentment is. When I was a young girl, contentment was a warm meal in my stomach and a roof over my head. Which became less of a sure thing after any sense of maternal coherence left Cricket. Once I matured to realize that sleeping in a car in a drugstore parking lot or my mother’s physical and mental deterioration wasn’t normal, I committed to never becoming her. But moments like this remind me that I’m not far removed from that life.
“We’ve arrived.” The cabbie stops the meter.
Leaving more cash on the seat, I hurry from the cab and run from this night and my past. The moment I make it through my front door, tears spill from my eyes and I bend over to cry out for some relief. I lock the deadbolt to keep the nightmares from breaking in and flip on every single light to keep them from hiding in dark corners.
I undress on my way to my bedroom, dropping the dress to my feet and leaving it in the hallway. Flashes of myself fucking truckers in dirty bathrooms coincide with Talent kissing my throat, pushing himself inside of me … making me come. The first girl was dirty, desperate, and frantic. The girl with Talent was eager and ignorant. How easily the two became one.
This is why I don’t break my own fucking rules.
I drop to my knees in front of the toilet and vomit as fear and loneliness sneak up on me. The memory of strange men touching my bare skin, whispering to me with alcoholic breath—the price for a ride to the next town or a bite to eat. Then, the warmth that poured over me when I stepped into Talent’s office, like that level of comfortableness could ever exist as far as I’m concerned. His electrified touch was the price of serenity. A too expensive reality check.
Once my stomach’s empty, I crawl into the shower and hug my knees to my chest while scorching water rains down on me. I sob. It’s overdue and weakness I’ve kept pent up for too long. Despite my better judgment, I allowed Inez to guilt me into a job I knew to avoid. Men like Talent have too much to lose and resources deeming them untouchable. How thoughtless it was for him to fuck me on his desk, only to deny hiring me in the first place. He was safe at the top of his empire, and I was reduced to being judged by a cab driver.
I predict he’s cozy in his lavish home, secure in his airtight significance, where I’m fading to nothing more than an afterthought. And here I am, crying like a chump under cooling water, faced with the certainty of how quickly everything I’ve worked for can disappear.
I’m the fatherless daughter of a stripper, without a formal education, left to fend for herself at sixteen years old. My existence is lonely, but it’s more than I ever imagined for myself. That’s what upset me the most about tonight. For a fleeting moment, I forgot where I came from and allowed myself to be swept away by Talent’s easy smile and warm caress. The temporary reprieve made reality hard to swallow when it rushed back in rejection.
Fuck Talent Ridge.
An heir with a silver spoon in his mouth doesn’t get to judge me because I was damned with a shitty stack of cards at birth.
Ending this pity party, I turn the shower off and pull my silk rope from the hook on the back of the door. After the emotional exorcism I’ve experienced, I don’t have the energy to dry myself off first. It clings to my skin, becoming heavy as the thin material soaks up beads of water from my hair. My eyes are swollen, oxygen enters my lungs in quick gasps, and my limbs are heavy. Instead of falling into bed, I shuffle to the kitchen and open the freezer where a bottle of vodka vows a dreamless sleep.
There’s no need for a glass. I drink it straight from the bottle, staring at my clutch and keys sprawled across the counter. Vodka delivers on its promise right away, lifting my burdens from my shoulders and luring me to sleep. Screwing the top back on the glass bottle, I decide to send Inez a text before I pass out. She doesn’t need to know the grueling details right away, but I’m surprised she hasn’t called for an update yet.
That’s when I realize my phone isn’t in my clutch and I remember when it fell to the floor in Talent’s office.
I didn’t pick it up in my haste to get out.
It’s still there.
“Fuck.”
Camilla’s behind the reception desk at Hush, like she’s never left, like she stuck a stake into the ground and claimed the spot as her own. She rises in greeting, inhaling as if she’ll say something to me this time. I don’t give her the opportunity, walking past her post without a second glance. Inez’s office door opens as I’m reaching for the handle. We come face-to-face, flustered and taken off guard.
Inez exhales audibly, dropping her purse from her shoulder to her hand. I harden my expression and push past her into the office.
“Where have you been?” Inez asks. “I was on my way to your apartment. I’ve been—”
“The next time you think about asking me to do you a favor, don’t.” I pour myself a stiff drink from the liquor bar. Last night’s vodka turned on me this morning, splitting my head in half. “The money I bring in on a regular basis is sufficient. I shouldn’t have to do your bidding.”
Inez closes the door and joins me at the bar, pouring herself twice the amount I have. “Did he hit you?”
“That might have hurt less,” I answer before tossing the shot back and pressing the cool glass to my forehead. Hush escorts fall victim to physical abuse from time to time, but my clients wouldn’t dare touch me in such a way. But the men who’ve paid me for sex in the past have abused me. It’s an unfortunate side effect for girls behaving like women on the streets.