“What? How?…” she asks in a gasp that trails off as the desert she ordered arrives.
I wait for our server to walk away before I answer.
“You were married to him when he took Phil from Susan. You were married when Susan got pregnant again. So, you can’t say you didn’t know. I’m assuming your surprise is that I know?”
She leans away watching me, not responding, but the calculation that creeps into her eyes tells me everything I need to know.
The stab of disappointment in my chest catches me off guard. I didn’t realize, until now, that I’d hoped she would be clueless. That she wouldn’t have left her daughter with a man she knew was capable of the kind of cruelty he’d shown Susan.
“If he’s Susan’s son as you say…that would mean he’s your brother,” she whispers in horror.
My patience runs out. “Mother, cut the shit.”
She blinks, and if I didn’t know better, I’d believe the confusion that furrows her delicate brows.
I scoff.
“It would mean that, but our DNA says different. We were tested and we don’t have a single marker in common. That is very rare. So no, mother we’re not related at all. He and Phil are full siblings, though,” I say casually, and pick up my fork to take a bite of the dessert while I watch her squirm.
She sits back her chair. Her hands fall into her lap and the last traces of calm she’s been wearing completely gone. She shakes her head, her expression stunned, her face grows paler as she stares unseeingly past me.
“Mother,” I snap, and slam my hand down onto the table and she flinches and bring her stark eyes back into the focus.
“I don’t know what to say,” she breathes.
“Why don’t you tell me the truth? Who is my father? And why did you leave me with him?”
Her swallow is audible and her eyes fill with tears.
“He wouldn’t let me take you. I begged him He told me the only way I could have you in my life was to stay. I couldn’t do that. He was always so angry… and when he would take it out on me. On my body, in places were only I could feel the pain. I would bleed for days. I was afraid one day, he’d kill me. ”
My gut twists and my throat tighten at the terror and shame in her expression.
“Oh, God,” the words are a choked sob.
“I had nowhere to turn. No one to turn to. In that town - he was the law. Still is. There’s no hope for anyone who wants a life contrary to his wishes…If I stayed, I would have died But Elisabeth, I wasn’t… didn’t know, not for sure until just now, that you weren’t his.”
“How? How is that possible? And who is my father.”
“Michael … Elisabeth. It must be…he’s your father.”
“Michael? Your husband? You did have an affair?” I ask, remembering my father’s accusations about her when she left.
She shakes her head vehemently.
“No. Michael and I - when I was married, we were together just once. When I left, I was on my own. Michael found me again. When Drew found out about us, all hell broke loose. Those charges came out of nowhere and it was either stay and fight them, or leave. He has so much of law enforcement in his pocket So, we left. We came to the one place where we could live without fear of being pulled back to the United States. But your fa— Drew, all of that was his doing.”
My mind is reeling. I take a deep breath to center myself and force my mind back to the questions that still needed answers.
“So you knew about Phil.”
She nods, her eyes pained. “We were still in France, newlyweds. He said he had an emergency in Winsome. He was gone for less than a week …with the little boy. He told me he’d had an affair with a girl that was too young…and she had given him the baby to keep. I accepted Phil. It wasn’t his fault and I was already pregnant with James. When we moved back to Winsome, no one had a clue that he wasn’t ours. I loved him like he was. But it was the end of my love for your father. What happened with Susan wasn’t just a one off.”
“You mean he had other children?” I ask in horror.
“No, I mean, at least I don’t think so, but he had affairs. He was more careful about where he spilled his seed from then on. But she…Susan, she was different. Her husband came to work at Wolfe and soon, he was sleeping with her again. When Susan disappeared and her husband was found dead in their house, Drew changed…he had been an unfaithful spouse before, but he now he was cruel and distant. His visits weren’t just about sex. He started beating me. He never left visible bruises, but over the course of a year, it escalated and one night he lost control. I was bruised, broken in places that wouldn’t heal on their own. And, I couldn’t hide it with make-up, so he sent me to his mother’s. She was still in Austin then, and he told everyone I as there for some R &R.” Her lips twist bitterly.
“That’s where I ran into Michael. He used to work at Wolfe in Winsome and had moved on to work for the Foundation in Austin. I’d always known that he loved me. But, I’d held him at arm’s length because to even think of having an affair was courting disaster. One night…he came to the house and Agnes wasn’t there…I was struggling badly. He was kind, and patient. And I let him comfort me, It was just one night, but it was the most beautiful night of my life. And that’s when we made you.”
She gives me a tremulous smile and places a hand on the table palm up. I only hesitate for a moment before I put mine on top.
“So, how didn’t you know?”
“When I got back to Winsome, Susan had returned, and your father came unglued in the months between her surrender and her sudden change of heart about her plea. He came to me every night for weeks. I found out I was pregnant a month after she pled guilty. I was sure you were his. He became obsessed with the idea of another child. I decided that if a child could be conceived in the midst of all of that…ugliness, that maybe it was God’s way of telling me to try harder. I was a shell of a person, convinced I didn’t deserve anything good. And I was determined to hold on to the one beautiful thing I had, besides the boys - I tried to focus on our family and my marriage.”
Her eyes become cold, and hard and her mouth puckers as if she’s tasting something bitter.
“Phil and James were so very much their father’s children…but you were mine. I thought you were perfect. He left me alone for the most part and I got to spend my time making our home a happy one for you. For a while, things were fine.
When his father and brother died, he became the head of the company we moved into that house… And everything changed. The darkness grew and he made my life miserable. I was so afraid I would die without knowing what it meant to have control over my body. Or my mind. Or my soul. I had to leave. I was dying. I never dreamed that I would leave my own children. But, I was no good to any of you. I wanted to live. I know it’s hard to understand, when you’ve never been completely at someone’s mercy.”
She says that and I realize she has no clue what my life has been since James’ death.
“I understand completely, Maman.” I call her by the name I used to before she left. Her eyes fill with tears and she covers her mouth to stifle her sob.