I glance at Dina, who’s still unconscious. I wonder, again, if she’s already dead.
I drag myself, ignoring the pain in my leg, half away across the room to her. Maybe it’s the blood loss and the pain, but when I try to move again, I can’t.
And then, I smell the smoke and I know it’s too late. I visualize the curling, grey and white tendrils, and in them, I see all of my dreams, all of my hope, and everything I love.
I’m going to die.
People say that at the end, your life flashes in front of your eyes. Mine feel so heavy and I take one last look at Dina and close my eyes.
I will the memories to come. My life has been so beautiful. Especially the end of it. I want more time, but I cloak myself in the knowledge that the time I’ve had was more than most people can hope for.
It’s like I’ve passed into the eye of the hurricane. Around me, everything is falling apart, but I’m standing in a moment of grace and calm where my wildest and most improbable prayers seem close enough to touch.
In the clutches of this I can feel Cam’s arms around my neck, trusting me to keep her safe and knowing that I would die to see it so. She’ll know it when she wakes up. Carter will save her. He may be too late for me, but there’s no way that child is going to die.
I see James smiling at me before he pulls me into one of his incredible hugs…and I feel safe.
I can’t wait to be with him.
Phil came back to give me the last six months to live exactly as I wanted. To live free before I died and I never got to thank him properly, but he knows my heart.
The family I found when my I finally let my heart decide…Joe, Porhsa, Penn, Nadia, Ryan. My students, my art. I have had so much and I’ve given so much.
But nothing has been sweeter than the journey I’ve been on with Carter… My heart twists, and I cough as the smoke starts to build in the room. The eye of the hurricane starts to move, letting the danger come. But I’m not afraid, because I loved a man who gave me wings.
He showed me love strong enough to pull down stars and reshape galaxies. I feel my body lift, the pain from my leg and arm as the rise up kill me.
“I’m flying.” I whisper and open my eyes to see Carter’s face.
“I must be in heaven,” I tell him, reaching up to touch his sweaty, sooty cheek.
“Most people would call this fucking inferno hell, baby,” he says irritably
And the last thought that passes through my head before the world falls away is how disappointing it will be if Carter’s grouchy even in heaven.
I’d Do It Again
DINA
“Hey, can I come in?” I knock and hold my breath as Beth turns to the door where I’m standing. I brace myself for the scorn I deserve and instead, I see relief fill my friends eyes.
“Of course,” she says, her eyes damn near bursting with happiness as she hold out her good arm to me.
I rush over to take it and squeeze it and look into her eyes so she can see my sincerity.
“Oh Lizzy, I’m so sorry,” I say the words I was afraid I’d never get the chance to.
Her expression cools, but she doesn’t let go of my hand.
“I don’t understand Dina, how did this happen?” she ask, that steel spine of hers showing in her unwavering gaze.
I have been in awe of this woman since we were sixteen years old. She was the only person who was nice to me when I moved to this god forsaken town. I figured it was because she was a loner who recognized another loner. It wasn’t until James told me the truth about her home life that I knew the extent of her loneliness. She should have been a bitter, covetous, resentful jerk. And instead, she was kind and curious and grateful.
What I did, even though it was all for her and James, was hard because I hated that she would spend one second thinking that I’d betrayed her.
“Right before the wedding, Serene approached me. She knew that I’d been working on a story about the corruption in Winsome.”
“But— Phil said you were never enrolled at UT.”
I flush, shame almost staying my tongue. But I can’t keep it from her.
“I was, but only for one semester. I dropped out because Wes gambled away the surplus of my student loan - the portion they refund for living expenses after your tuition is paid. It was how we were going to pay our rent, because Lord knows he wasn’t going to.”
“Dina…oh my god. Why didn’t you tell me?” she breathes.
I laugh, the bitter residue of that period of my life, dries and hollows it. “Because, you were stuck here and I felt like if you knew I’d failed. You’d lose all hope. Also, I was embarrassed. But, I wasn’t lying about my job. I did get a job with this publisher and I did go to Paris for the summer. I was a research assistant because I didn’t have a degree. I was going to use this research to launch my career and root out all of that corruption. Serena got wind of what I was doing because we had the same source in the states records office and he told her I was sniffing around. She approached me, told me about their investigation and asked me if I would get information on Duke from you.”
“From me?” She frowns.
“Yes, I was your friend. You’d be living with him. And I said yes. I’d done everything I could to dissuade you. You were still going to marry him. Since I couldn’t stop the wedding, I figured I’d get you away from him by helping the FBI take him down.”
“Oh my God,” her eyes are wide with intrigue.
“Yeah, and when I saw Carter in the church, I thought maybe he would stop it, but he didn’t. You did.” I let my pride show for a second.
“They thought, without you there to get close to Duke, we didn’t have that angle anymore. But when I found out what he did to James, I decided he would pay. No matter what it cost me. I went to Duke, and pretended to want him. He’s a fool. Flattery was all it took and I was in his bed.”
She closes her eyes as if she’s in pain.
“I’m sorry, Lizzy, I know he was your…”
She wrinkles her nose is disgust. “He was my nothing. I don’t care about that. But you hated him…how could you… sleep with him?”
My expression hardens, and I shove down my self- loathing and the sorrow of it all. I shrug, not able to meet her eyes. “I’ve fucked a man I didn’t love for years out of guilt. To avenge the man I loved, I would do anything. Even now, I’d do it again,” I say when she looks like she’s about to cry.
I want to tell her to save her tears for someone who deserves them.
“I gained access to information that helped them break the back of the corrupt police in Winsome and the trafficking ring your grandmother was running.”
“Trafficking?” She pales, and I realize that there’s so much still she doesn’t know.
“Mostly for slave labor - unpaid domestics, nannies, farm hands…She’s dead and won’t face justice, but I’ll make sure history remembers her accurately,” I say, drawing satisfaction for that knowledge.
“So, how did you end up in the house yesterday?” she asks.
I shake my head in amazement that all of that was only twenty-four hours ago.