Sleep plays games, bringing me to the brink to only flash a memory through my mind of Jared or my years in Spain without him. I’ll drive myself crazy reliving all the years without him, looking for all the signs of their deception. None of it matters now that Jared is back in my life.
22
Sadness runs deep
JARED
Eva waits at the front of the hotel when I drive up, and the valet opens the passenger side door of my Audi R8 convertible.
It’s a warm, sunny day, and I take advantage of it by having the top down and my shades on to get my fill. Eva’s wearing a flowing, strappy summer dress, her incredible mass of wild waves falling down her back.
As if sensing my hungry, appreciative stare, she blushes, cheeks pinkening. The rush and color of music explodes inside me.
She is my favorite song. Being with her, like this, awakens my muse. Last night, I’d been unable to sleep, up half the night writing songs, lyrics and notes blossoming in my mind.
One foot inside the car, she hesitates, glancing down with a worried expression on her face. Eventually, she shakes her head as if ridding herself of whatever is bothering her, and she slips in.
“Hi, how are you?” She smiles, buckling her seat belt.
“I’m good. Are you okay?” I dip my chin, peering at her over the rim of my sunglasses.
“It’s the car. Sometimes I need a little internal pep talk to get in. It took me a while to be okay with riding in a car after the accident, and even longer for me to get behind the wheel again.”
I shift into drive and take off. “Yeah, it was rough for me too.”
“I’m fine now. This is an awesome car.” She runs her hand along the smooth leather interior.
“Thanks. It’s a nice day. Enjoy the drive.”
Both hands wrangle her windblown hair, tying it back at the base of her neck, and she settles into the seat.
Silas and Pansy live in Santa Monica, right on the beach and the perfect place to get away. It isn’t a large home, the complete opposite of the huge mansion I live in which feels nothing like a home.
When we arrive, both of them greet us at the door with Silas taking Eva into a hug when I introduce them. I’ve talked about her repeatedly over the years, if only to Silas.
“I feel like I already know you.” His eyes twinkle like they share a secret.
“I wish I could say the same, but I hope to get to know you better.” Eva’s shy, maybe even nervous.
“Come in, let me show you around.” Pansy, Silas’s fiancée, ushers us into the house.
She’s a pretty redhead with a bubbly personality, and even though we didn’t hit it off at first, she’s become a good friend. She leads the way onto their large deck off the living room where more introductions are made to Gray, Trojan’s drummer, Daisy, her sister, and Daisy’s infant son, Henry.
“It’s great to finally meet you, Eva,” Gray smiles, handing her a bottle of water.
“Thank you, and you too.”
“How long are you here for?” Daisy hoists her baby higher on her hip.
“I’m moving back. Right now, my home is Spain, but I’ve missed the US. Los Angeles is my home.” Her voice softens when she looks at me.
“Where exactly in Spain did you live?” Daisy pries strands of her blonde hair from her little guy’s chubby hand.
“My sister used to be a model and has traveled the world.” Pansy smiles and Daisy rolls her eyes.
“At first, Catalonia, but now, Barcelona.”
“Wow, I’d love to go to Spain.” Pansy hands Silas a tray of meat for the grill.
“You have a beautiful home.” Eva looks to our hosts and then out at the beach. “The view is just spectacular. I could stand out here all day.”
“I love it. I start my day out here doing yoga with Boy.” Pansy bends to pet the dog rubbing against her leg. “I’ve been trying to get Silas to join me.”
He groans at the age-old battle between these two, and most of us chuckle since we’ve been unfortunately privy to her failed attempts to get him into downward dog.
“Yoga out here would be amazing. The hotel I’m staying at offers classes but it’s indoors.” Eva sips her drink.
“If you’d like, you’re welcome to join me whenever. I’d love the company.”
“I would like that.”
“Hey, what about me?” Silas walks toward his woman with barbecue tongs in one hand. “Can I join?”
“You say no all the time.” She laughs, shaking her head. “You’re something else.”
“And you wouldn’t have me any other way.” He wraps an arm around her waist and dips her backward, his lips attached to hers.
“Hey, keep it clean.” Gray places his hands over Henry’s eyes. “We’ve got young impressionable minds here.”
Pansy pushes at Silas, half chuckling, half snorting, as he pulls her to standing. “Go cook our food. I’m sure everyone is starving.”
My friend saunters to the grill, and I linger to one side, watching Pansy move closer to Eva.
“You know, when I first met Jared, I hated him.” Pansy stares at me, mischief in her gaze. “I thought he was an asshole.”
“I’m sure he was.” Eva regards me with a wistful expression. “When we first met, he wasn’t too friendly to me either.”
“So you know what I mean.” Pansy smirks at my hardening expression. I’m not upset, just uncomfortable with their conversation and that my presence doesn’t seem to deter them.
“But I soon realized it was his defense mechanism.” Eva nods and Pansy continues, “I watched him fill this great big hole in his heart with girls, drugs, and alcohol.”
My muscles tense, and I narrow my gaze at the pretty redhead with the flower name. Her name is on the tip of my tongue, with more bite than I want. It would be so easy to underestimate her like most might a flower. Its petals are bright, multi-colored, and so delicate. But underneath it all, the flower is resilient and bold. She’s aptly named.
“I swore he was trying to kill himself.”
“Pansy, that’s enough.” I’m softer, my voice more even than how I feel.
Eva’s cheeks redden, and my chest is tight, burning with regret and shame. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Most of which I dread sharing with Eva, but like I vowed, no secrets. I need to own my dirty deeds if I’m ever to heal and if we’re ever to have a future together.
“Hey, all I’m trying to say is that after meeting Eva and seeing you with her, I can already see you’re different.”
“What do you mean?” Eva angles her head to the side, staring intently at Pansy.
All conversation has stopped, and everyone is invested in this exchange. I’m exposed, naked and vulnerable. But I’m going to take it, hear what both have to say.
“He seems more put together. More calm. It’s almost as if everything he did was to somehow fill the hole you left and maybe bury his guilt for his part in losing you.”
“His guilt?” Eva’s nose wrinkles, confused.