“But it’d have been fun for me . . . that’s what you’re not seeing here.” She laughs.
“Glad my suffering is amusing.”
“Just a little.” She swirls her fork around her plate. “So, what is it? What’s driving you crazy? New girl?”
“No.” I shake my head, even though immediately I think of Greer. I haven’t spoken a word to her since the night we played pool. I see her everywhere, though. Not just outside her classroom, but all around campus. In the teachers’ lounge, in the hallways, talking with my friends, in the parking lot, running around in tiny spandex shorts with her volleyball team . . . yeah, that was—hell, that wasn’t something I needed to see. I can still envision her tight bubble butt barely covered in spandex, running behind her team, her hair swishing back and forth over her shoulders.
And what’s with her dresses and skirts? Does she not own a pair of dress pants?
Her goddamn legs are phenomenal and—
“Hey,” Coraline snaps at me. “What the hell are you thinking about?”
“Huh?” I look up and a smile spreads across her face. Shit, she caught me drifting off and if I don’t come up with something on the spot, she’s going to assume it’s a girl. “Oh, sorry, just . . . uh . . . just annoyed. I think the boys are fucking with me.”
There, that’s true.
Not the entire reason why I’m apparently slamming kitchen cabinets, but a big part of it.
Another big part of it . . . the aforementioned dresses and skirts.
And tiny spandex.
“Gunner and Romeo are fucking with you?” she asks. “How so?”
“Well, the stink bomb.”
She chuckles. “Oh God, you were so angry that day.”
“My classroom smelled like rotting ass and I had to wear gym clothes to teach, so, yeah, I was mad.”
“Heaven forbid.” She dramatically fans her hand in front of her face.
“And then at the assembly . . .” I cut off her chuckling.
“What happened at the assembly?”
I push my hand through my hair, still trying to figure it all out. “Not sure how it happened, but when I went to honor the students who achieved academic excellence the year prior, my voice sounded like I just sucked down ten helium balloons.”
“What?” she shouts and laughs at the same time. “Oh my God, seriously?”
“You think this is funny?”
“Arlo, how could you not?” She laughs some more. “And you have no idea how it happened?”
“Not a single clue.”
“And you were the only one with the helium voice?”
“Yup.” I plop a piece of salmon in my mouth. “Lucky me.”
She picks up her phone and starts typing away.
“What are you doing?”
“Seeing if there’s a video of it, I need to hear—”
“Phones aren’t allowed in the assembly.”
“Oh, you clueless man.” She shakes her head. “Aha, found it.”
“What? Seriously?”
“You’d be surprised what students will do.” She presses play and, lo and behold, there I am, standing at the podium, talking as if my balls are being squeezed with a vise.
Coraline roars with laughter, and even though I don’t enjoy being the butt of the joke—and hate that my hard-earned respect is in jeopardy—I’ll admit, seeing my sister with a smile on her face, laughing . . . I’ll be okay with it, for now.
Not forever.
But for now, she can laugh.
My leg bounces up and down under my desk.
Fuck, what is happening?
After what feels like years, Gunner and Romeo open my classroom door with confused expressions.
“Jesus, what took you so long?”
“We were eating lunch,” Gunner answers, leaning against the desk directly in front of mine.
“Shut the door,” I say to Romeo. “And lock it.”
“Lock it?” His brows shoot up. “Dude, you’re sweating and you have a weird look on your face. Are you . . . are you losing it?”
I shoot out of my desk and pull on the back of my neck.
I think I’m losing it.
There’s no other explanation.
I’m fucking losing it.
My only hope is that Gunner and Romeo are fucking with me again. That’s why I called them in here, to gauge their reaction. Because what just happened to me . . . Jesus Christ, please let them be fucking with me.
Turning toward them, I take a deep breath. “I, uh, I have a man issue.”
“A man issue?” Gunner asks, a crease in his brow.
“What kind of man . . . ohhhh.” Romeo walks up to Gunner and knocks him in the chest with his finger. “Can’t get it up.”
“You can’t get it up?” Gunner asks. “Who’s the lucky—or dare I say, unlucky lady?”
“What?” I shake my head. “No, I can get it up just fine.”
“When was the last time you tried?” Romeo asks.
“That’s not the point.”
“Might be. Does this problem have to do with your penis?”
“I mean . . . yeah.”
“Okay,” Romeo says, “so when was the last time you got it up?”
“That’s irrelevant,” I snap.
“Seeming more and more relevant to me,” Gunner mutters to the side.
“Jesus Christ.” I drag both my hands down my face. “This morning, in the shower.”
“Hey, me too,” Romeo says with a little too much pep in his voice.
“Fuck, me too.” Gunner laughs. “It was as if we were all circle jerking together. Like, we could call ourselves the Thursday circle jerkers.”
“No,” I say flatly. “Don’t even say shit like that.”
“Don’t want to know that I’m pumping my dick at the same time you are?” Gunner asks. “Doesn’t give you comfort?”
“Makes me want to never touch my dick again,” I answer.
“Given that there’s something going on down there, maybe you shouldn’t,” Romeo says, and I swear to God, I almost scream.
Almost.
This was a mistake. They’re going to be assholes, I can feel it.
Hell, they already are being assholes.
“Is it a rash?” Romeo asks. “I’ve had a rash down there before—well, what I thought was a rash. It was just my balls growing.”
“What?” I ask, completely bewildered.
Romeo scratches his neck. “Was it my balls growing? I can’t remember. It was back in middle school.”
“Tingling sensation in the groin?” Gunner asks Romeo. “Totally ball growth. Did you have a lot?”
Romeo nods. “I think that’s why my junk is so massive. Too much tingling in middle school.” He shrugs his shoulders.
“Are you two morons done?” I ask, hands on my hips now.
“Hey, we’re trying to help you out here. Now . . . is it a rash?”
“It’s not a goddamn rash!” I shout.
“Jeez, settle down, man.” Romeo crosses his arms over his chest. “Is it . . .” He leans in and whispers, “Venereal?”