“Make it after eight, and I might be able to have a glass of wine with you.” She whispered the last bit, then giggled and hung up.
Melancholy and nostalgia still clung to me like wet blankets that were weighed down by diving weights, but they let up a little after I talked to Ruth. I collected my super big, super unhealthy burger and headed on home.
The house felt empty without Katie there. The spaces were too big and cavernous, my footsteps seemed to have a strange echo, and it was like there was no life in there at all.
It’s because you still haven’t quite turned it into a home, a snarky part of my subconscious whispered.
I settled in front of the TV after grabbing a bottle of wine but didn’t turn it on. Lost in thought, I ate my food with a glass of wine that soon became two.
The garage loomed like an executioner in front of me after my third glass of wine and I finally ventured toward it. Ruth was right. I needed to get unpacked and it was better to do the things I’d been putting off while Katie wasn’t home.
I could do it while she was at school, but now I had all night and not an inkling of what else to do with it anyway. This way, I could drink and cry without the guilt of knowing I would have to pick her up soon, and hopefully, I’d be able to get through the worst of it.
Katherine adored watches and handbags. It didn’t have to be expensive or fancy. She just loved having something simple to go with every outfit.
Mom had selected a few choice pieces she wanted to keep already, but now it was my turn. I wouldn’t get rid of anything in case Katie wanted it later, but I needed to sort through the boxes and hopefully get rid of stuff like placemats and bedding.
Walking into the garage, I flicked on the one light that hung overhead, set my wine down on the floor, and heaved the top box off a pile. Once it was safely on the floor, I sat down cross-legged in front of it and took a giant gulp of wine to calm my nerves.
As luck would have it, it was a box of her purses. There was everything in there from sequined clutches she’d used back in college to the leather satchel she’d carried to work every day. I pulled out the first clutch, a gold and white beauty with intricate beading around the sides, and the clasp opened up.
Lipstick, movie tickets, and even an unused tampon spilled into my lap. None of those items would usually make me cry, save for the tampon if I needed one and didn’t have one, but seeing those signs of a life that had been lost devastated me now.
Before I could even think of stopping them, tears were streaming down my face and I was sniffing the slight cherry scent of Katherine’s favorite lipstick. Emotions tore through me like a hurricane, and all I could do was sit there, clutching the purse while sobbing into the scratchy sequins.
I don’t understand how my life or Katie’s could’ve changed so much in the blink of an eye. I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted anymore. All I knew was that I was barely making it from one day to the next.
Trying to stay optimistic when the hits just kept on coming and nothing was getting better was brutal. Just earlier today, I’d gotten an email from Eric’s receptionist saying the three weeks he’d promised me weren’t going to pan out. They needed even more time. No amount of time had been specified. Just more.
I knew from experience that emailing back wasn’t going to work, so I’d resolved to go to his office again on Monday. Not that going to him would help anyway.
Something needed to get better. Some real good needed to come along and shake things up for me and Katie in a good way. Just this once, I really needed a break.
Katie was finally starting to find her feet, but I didn’t even know if she was happy. I thought she was, but I knew she wanted her mother back more than anything in the world, and I couldn’t give her that.
All I could do was to sit on the cold fucking floor and cry my eyes out as I sorted through my sister’s things. I unearthed purse after purse, all of them containing those signs of a life that had been cut short so damn abruptly.
I even found a sonagram photo of Katie in one of the older ones. Chewing gum. Lip gloss. Old bank and loyalty cards. A tiny sample piece of carpet I would never know why she’d been looking at. Playing cards. Toys. A half pack of dry baby wipes.
The list went on and on.
With each item I uncovered, with each purse I held in my hands knowing the last person who had carried it had been my sister, a new wave of tears rushed over me. I hadn’t even made it through one box and I was spent.
How can I ever be happy again or even feel happy again when my sister is gone? Did I even deserve to? I didn’t have any right to move on after something like this. I couldn’t have. Not when a young mother’s life had been stolen from her and a child lost her mother.
There was no coming back from that. Not ever. Nothing I could do would bring Katherine back to Katie, or Katie back to Katherine.
I loved being Katie’s mom. I really did. I didn’t even care that my dreams had been snatched away from me when they’d been so close. All I cared about was providing for Katie, and I couldn’t even do that because I couldn’t get one fucking word down on paper.
Drifting in a sea of anguish, I let a scream rip in the garage and hoped my neighbors wouldn’t call the police. I can’t do this.
No one could really do this. How?
I didn’t have the first clue.
When we’d been living in my apartment, things had been difficult enough. The move had shaken loose insecurities I thought I’d gotten over and memories I’d never forget. Even the soft scrape of the bamboo purse I was clutching now brought on a tidal wave of images of my sister the day she’d bought it.
We’d been at a South American market. The sun had been shining and she hadn’t met Katie’s dad yet. Katherine’s neck had been covered in a floral scarf, and it’d whipped around her face while I’d tried to get a picture of her with the bag.
Another sob rose in my throat. She’s gone. How could she just be gone? Just like that.
The memories of that day still seemed so fresh, even though they were so old. I could almost smell the spice of her perfume when I closed my eyes. Hear the sound of her voice in my ears when she told me to just take the damn picture already. Feel the heat of the sun and the lashing of my hair against my cheeks in the wind.
But when I opened my eyes, I was still alone in my garage.
No sun.
No wind.
No Katherine.
Just me and the purse. And my wine.
I drained the last few drops, gave the box another look, and shook my head at it. “You win this round, you square. I can’t take any more of this.”
Abandoning the boxes and the garage altogether, I went to run a bath. I was coming to the conclusion that I couldn’t confront the memories in those boxes just yet.
Maybe I should just pack the rest of Katherine’s things away until I can bring myself to look at them. It wasn’t a long-term solution, but it was the best I had.
Maybe planning on dealing with it later is better than no plan at all.
Chapter 12
Jacob
Warm, soft lips wrapped around my cock. It’d been so long that I didn’t realize what was happening at first. Not until I glanced down and saw Laurie’s blonde head between my legs.