“I’ll be in touch soon,” I said, heading for the door. As I twisted the doorknob, I turned to look at him over my shoulder. “You’re not going to fire me as a client, are you?”
“No.” His frown deepened. He’d pulled his pants back up and fixed his own clothes, but his hair was messy and his expression soft. It was such a contrast to how put together he always looked that it made me smile a little.
“Thanks for everything.” I cleared my throat, my entire face bursting into flame when I realized what I’d just thanked him for.
Best to get out of here before I stick my foot so far into my mouth that I choke on it.
I lifted my hand in an awkward wave instead, then hurried out of his office.
Shit. Shit. Shit. What have I done?
Banging my head against the steering wheel once I climbed into my car, I tried to figure out how that had escalated so fast. I’d arrived about a little over an hour ago for a meeting with my lawyer, and now I was leaving having slept with him and without any new information about the case.
The business meeting hadn’t happened, but my body had met his in more ways than one. I groaned into the silence of the car.
What is he going to think about me?
I was sure he’d felt the same pull to me as I had to him, and that knowledge made little pricks of joy float through me. Unfortunately, the good was wrapped up in a whole lot of bad. It felt like my head and heart were being split in two with all the conflicting emotions running through me.
If I had any hope of stemming the tide and making sense of how I really felt about this, I needed to go someplace I could be still. There was only one place I could think of where my mind usually quieted. My emotions eventually untangled themselves if I stayed there for long enough.
Turning over the engine, I pulled out of my parking spot and headed in the direction of my sister’s grave. The cemetery was a beautiful, peaceful place, and I always kept an old blanket to sit on in the trunk of my car.
The traditional Victorian cemetery had lots of curving pathways. Aged trees cast creeping shadows over the paths and provided thick, cool shade, and grassy areas situated all over meant it was a nice place to come for picnics, regardless of what it was.
There were never too many people, and those who did come to picnic mostly did it to feel closer to their relatives there. A few others had spread out blankets near graves. Some read while others spoke quietly under their breath.
No one took any notice of me as I meandered down the path to where we had laid Katherine to rest. A slight breeze started as I shook out the blanket before laying it down. I smiled at the sound of the faint rustling of the leaves.
“Hey, sis, I miss you too,” I said, keeping my voice down. I settled on my blanket with my legs crossed and one hand dangling over my knee. Then I rubbed the petals of the fresh flowers that had been left on her grave. “Did Mom and Dad bring you these, or was it one of your friends?”
I didn’t expect an answer, but I still liked talking to her as if she were still there with me. It made me feel connected to her in a way I’d never be able to describe, and yet I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt it.
The other people there whose lips had been moving when I passed were evidence enough of that, and it’d always made me feel slightly less crazy to see others doing the same thing. Otherwise, I might’ve wondered if I needed therapy, but instead, this had become my therapy.
Rays of sun came through the branches when the leaves shifted, making light dance on the grassy surface of the grave. I kept running my fingers gently over the flowers, trying to come up with where to start.
One of the reasons why it was easier to make sense of things when I came to see Katherine was because it didn’t really matter how jumbled my words and feelings came out. Even in life, she’d been able to keep up with even my most convoluted explanations.
“There’s this guy,” I said softly, staring at the bright green grass and the colorful flowers like it was important to maintain eye contact with them. “His name is Jacob. He used to make me so angry. He’s one of those, you know?”
I sighed. “You know the type I’m talking about. Cocky, selfish, smirking. I’ve always hated those people and he was no different, but now he’s not only making me feel anger anymore. He’s making me feel other things too. Things I haven’t felt for someone in a long time.”
I’d always been more honest with Katherine than I was with even myself. It never helped to try to lie to her because she could always tell. She also never let me get away with fooling myself or with my attempts to downplay things.
Even though she wasn’t here anymore, I kept up our tradition of speaking what was in my heart and of telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We’d giggled so many times about how our sisterly chats required the same oath that people took in court, but it didn’t make me giggle now.
It made me think about Jacob, really think about him, and about how he made me feel. “I didn’t want to like him. I still don’t want to, but the more time I spend with him, the more drawn I feel to him.”
“It’s like this unavoidable, inexplicable, undeniable attraction, but it’s also more than just an attraction. I don’t only want to screw him, even though I definitely want that too and I just did, but it’s more than that. I want his mind, his heart, and his innermost thoughts.”
I ran my fingers through my hair and dragged in a deep breath. “I haven’t known him long enough to ask for any of those things, or even to really want them, but I do. I feel like I want to live in his arms, lose myself in his lips, and be the shoulder he cries on.”
When I released the breath, it came out slightly shuddering. “It’s scary because I don’t know if I have any right to feel like this. Obviously, Katie will always be my first priority, but I don’t feel like it would detract from her if something more was to happen between us. If anything, I’ve seen what a wonderful father he is and that’s part of why I have these overwhelming feelings about him.”
I shook my head. “I never thought I would even think this, but there’s something incredibly sexy and alluring about a man who’s such a fantastic, attentive father. It’s almost like it speaks to a deeper part of me when I see him in that mode. A more mature part who values that aspect of his personality as caregiver and protector.”
A quick glance at my surroundings told me I was still alone, which was great. I really didn’t want anyone overhearing me right then. “Why am I here and not with him, you ask? It’s because I needed to be close to you. You trusted me with raising Katie, and I worry that all my time and energy should be spent on her. It’s only been two years since her mother passed and she still has so much healing to do. The last thing I want is to let a guy distract me from what really matters.”
When I said it, I could almost hear Katherine laughing and pictured her shaking her head. “I know you never believed in timing.”
Katherine always said that if you wanted something, you had to go for it. Otherwise, someone else would get it and you’d always wonder what you were missing. “Is this about timing, though? Is the possibility of a relationship with Jacob one of those things I’ll regret letting pass me by?”
I propped my elbows on my knees and rested my chin between my palms. “How is it even possible to find someone equally as compelling as you find them annoying, and how am I supposed to get the answers to any of these questions?”