That’s exactly what they are. Idiots.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result—and that’s what they do. Committing petty crimes, thinking they won’t get caught. At least I know I’m going to get caught. I’m well aware that the cops are going to come straight to the Devil’s Den and pull us in for a lineup as soon as the crime is committed.
I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last six months. Knowing I will be put in real prison next time I do something illegal has made me pretty introspective. And I’ve started to ask myself, why? Why do I continually let these criminals include me in their activities when I know it’s only going to land me in a cell?
Growing up, I was always shuffled to the side. Pawned off on neighbors, friends, the barest acquaintances, while my mother vamoosed with new boyfriends. For so long, going to juvenile hall was my way of controlling where I ended up. Instead of being put somewhere, like a sack of useless sand. Like someone who only gets in the way.
Now, though…I’m an adult. I can still control where I end up, but I no longer have to find refuge from my mother’s whims and her sketchy boyfriends behind bars.
What if I can actually make something of myself?
I’ve never allowed myself to wonder, but dammit, Brody got in my head.
I think that’s why I’m here, across the street from the Devil’s Den, trying to psyche myself up to make my triumphant return. Because I’m scared.
Shit. I hate admitting that.
This is what I know, though. I know how to mess up, get sent away, continue the pattern. It’s been my safety net for so long, but I’m not a kid anymore. The consequences are more severe. Am I really willing to chance prison so I don’t have to expect more from myself?
You’re young, London. People have started over a lot later in life. It doesn’t hurt to fill out an application or two. You can make it happen.
Brody’s voice stops me from taking the first step across the street.
Unbelievable.
My stepfather’s encouragement is actually working on me. How pathetic.
What would he gain from my success, anyway?
What is his angle?
I’ve never been anything but a burden to my mother’s significant others. I don’t understand why Brody is different. Or how he could want so much for me when we’ve only just met for the first time.
With that thought weighing heavily on my mind, I decide to put off my return to the Devil’s Den for another day, and turn to head back to the bus stop—
“London!”
Someone calls my name from across the street and a loud cheer goes up from the dozen or so teens and twenty-something’s loitering beneath the freeway overpass. I can’t help but feel a spark of warmth in my chest over their earnest reception. Despite their mental shortcomings, these people were here on the days and nights when I had no one at all. So despite the tug of foreboding in my stomach, I execute a sweeping bow and pirouette across the street to a soundtrack of thunderous applause.
“You’re back. How was the slammer?”
“Looking hot, as always, blondie.”
“Did you bring us presents?”
The unofficial leader of the group is Lurch, thanks to his height and slightly curved upper spine. He steps forward and ruffles my hair now, leaving a cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips. “Hey, London,” he drawls, giving me a speculative once over. “You’re just in time.”
That seedling of trepidation in my belly grows roots. “For what?”
A couple of them trade looks.
Lurch tosses down his cigarette, grounding it out with the toe of his boot. “We’re going on a run. Nothing major.”
“Yeah, nothing major,” a girl to his right echoes.
I keep my expression neutral, but I’m wishing I’d just stayed home. Maybe filled out another engineering school application. Not that I expect to be accepted anywhere, but I have to admit…it had felt good to complete the form and send it. Felt good to try. “What is nothing major?” I ask, blithely.
“You always were a good wheel woman, weren’t you, blondie?”
“London,” I say tightly. “And I’m not really…prepared for a run. Not today.”
There’s a shift in the energy around me. I know how this goes. Once you’re in this world, you’re completely in. Or you have to get out, free and clear. There is no in between and that’s where I’m standing right now. “It’s just a beer run,” Lurch says, holding up his gloved hands. “The weekend is coming up and we’re low on supply. Tommy and Grinch have a contact at Walmart. He’s going to open the exit door, so we can get in and out without a problem.” He claps me on the shoulder and a shiver runs down to my wrist. “You drive.”
They don’t need me. There are plenty of options for drivers.
This is just their way of pulling me back in.
“Ah…” I plow my fingers through my hair and back away. “You know, actually, I have plans this afternoon. I really just came by to say hey—”
“What are you…going straight?” Lurch laughs while lighting another smoke. “Aren’t you the girl who drove a stolen police car into a lake on her sixteenth birthday?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell them it was an accident—at least the lake crashing part—but everyone is already laughing and I have no choice but to laugh, too, or look salty. Yes, I did steal the police car. I was desperate. My mother was getting ready to leave me with her ex-boyfriend’s sister, who I’d never met. And I was scared, angry, young and reckless.
“Yeah…” Someone else pipes up. “Didn’t you once chain yourself to the door of city hall to protest the circus coming to town?”
“Then take a swing at the mayor when he tried to unlock the chains?”
More laughter.
I don’t tell them that the mayor groped me while trying to unfasten those chains, his clammy hands roving beneath my belly button and over my breasts, squeezing until I cried.
The words die in my throat because I realize…I am one of these idiots. A lot of the times I was taken into custody, I was acting out so they would take me out of my mother’s care. Other times, like protesting the circus, I really cared about the cause. But none of that matters. What matters is that every stupid thing I’ve done is a stain on my reputation.
Lurch holds out the keys to the Chrysler, raising an eyebrow.
Waiting for me to take them.
They’re right.
I was crazy to think I could overcome my past now, wasn’t I?
Still, Brody’s voice in my head makes me hesitate, my fingers pausing over the keys. Maybe…maybe if I call him, he’ll help me? He’s so confident. Bossy.
He’ll know exactly what to do and—
They all start pushing me toward the car, playfully, but I can’t get away. I laugh and push back, but I’m already being nudged into the driver’s seat, keys tossed into my lap. The door slams, Tommy and Grinch piling into the back seat, Lurch in the passenger side.
Okay. One run and I’ll never come back. I’ll try. I will.
I’ll fill out applications and let Brody convince me I have potential.