She closes her eyes, bites back a sob, then exhales and settles herself, Xifeng’s last words ringing in her head.
Remember the war, Ify. Remember the war. She lives.
Bleeding, Ify makes her way back to the surface.
Topside, Ify walks toward the waning destruction. “Grace!” she calls out, her voice hoarse with grief, a cry of desperation. Of rage. Of apology.
CHAPTER
40
It is important to be remembering. That is what the robot is saying who is pulling me from underneath the mountain of bodies where it is so hard to breathe that my chest is paining me fierce. It is like knife in my chest over and over and over, and I am not knowing for how long I am lying like this. But I am remembering that the first thing I am seeing is tiny hole of light coming from sky. Everything is shadow, and this is how I know I am being covered. And I am first thinking that this is what night is. That it is just blackness with tiny hole of light. But it is bodies. Many bodies piled on top of me. And then I am remembering the bodies are falling away. It is sounding like someone is dragging their foots on the dirt road, then it is sounding like a shirt rustling in wind, like someone is wearing a shirt too big for them and running down dirt road, and when I think of this thing, I am thinking that the person wearing this shirt should be giggling. I am liking the sound in my brain.
As more and more body is coming away, I am seeing that light is bigger. Big big. So big it is paining my eyes to look at. I am wanting to raise my arms to block out the light, but I cannot move them because there are more bodies on top of them.
I am not hearing any words anywhere, not even wind, just crunching of stones and rustling like clothes and shuffling like feet wearing slippers on road until many bodies tumble away at once, and I am seeing blue and white and gold and red and I must close my eyes because it is too much. And air is feeling cold on my skin because there is no more pile of smelling bodies crushing me. But air is also paining me like many many knife on my skin. It is burning, and I am hearing sizzle like meat is cooking.
Then, hand is pulling me out of where I am lying and I see robot for the first time. It has arms and legs and a big round chest like an upside-down belly. It has no lips, just two lines on the sides of its face for where the plates are coming together. They are like grooves, and I am wanting to reach and touch them, because some memory in my bones is wanting me to do this, but I cannot raise my arm, because I am too weak.
Enyemaka.
Robot is raising me up and down, so that my feet just touch the ground, but when it is letting me go to stand on my own, I am falling like sack of yams. Small small stones on ground are digging into my cheek, and I am trying to push myself up. But I must try many many times before I am able to sit on my knees. And that is when I am seeing them.
Many many robots. Not like army of robots. But family of robots. They are all looking the same, and they are the only thing I am seeing in this place that is moving.
Slowly, I am smelling smoke and burning and sickly sweet smell of dead thing. And I am remembering people fighting and burning thing. And I am remembering underground tunnels and Xifeng, and I am remembering Ify holding EMP and telling me she is sorry, then she is detonating it and I am being paralyzed and not being able to move. Then I am remembering self-repair that is happening in my body and waking up but it is not waking up because I am awake the whole time. Then I am remembering rescuing woman who is called Grace Leung, then I am remembering juggernaut and my heart is moving fast fast and my rib is hurting me, then I am remembering Uzodinma lying dead underneath collapsed building. All of this is happening in less than one second.
I am looking to Enyemaka because she is the only one who is being able to answer my question. Why are they doing this? And when I am asking this, I am showing her images of Xifeng and red-bloods who I am seeing fighting and killing. I am showing her red-bloods fighting and dying in riot and red-bloods fighting and dying in war. Why are they doing this?
Because they are human, Enyemaka is telling me.
I am wanting to be bowing my head and looking at my hands, but my body is not moving. I am feeling memory of gun in my hands, then I am feeling the chill of blood on them. Enyemaka is holding me over the ground, then she is moving me and holding me in her arms like I am her child and she is my mother.
Static is filling my vision, and I am remembering saving Ify from juggernaut. And in between flashes of static, I am seeing Ify. Ify in cavern walking with Xifeng. Ify on dirty bed as a child before school. Ify on edge of cliff watching sunset, then counting the stars. Ify walking past my paralyzed body with gun in her hand and Grace at her side.
Why am I remembering Ify? I am asking Enyemaka, meaning why am I remembering her now and why am I constantly remembering her, over and over, and not just with my braincase but with my body, with all of my body.
Fire is dying all around us. Enyemaka is pausing before answering my question. You are containing the rememberings of a young woman who died in the war. A woman named Onyii.
And when Enyemaka is saying this name, Onyii, I am seeing many thing. I am seeing inside of cockpit of mech as I am flying through the air and shooting and killing. Then I am seeing training ground where I am teaching young boy who is child of war like me how to be shooting gun. And I am seeing face of human who is having bees in her hair and who is smiling at me, and when Enyemaka is saying Onyii I am seeing all of these thing.
Onyii was a sister to Ify. Enyemaka is continuing to tell me, and as she is telling me these thing, I am seeing them in my brain. I am seeing all of it. Onyii was a human and a child of war, but she knew peace when she rescued Ify during a village raid. Enyemaka is saying this, but I am also seeing Onyii making the villagers to be sitting in a circle and she is shooting dead Ify’s mother, and then when her people is leaving, she is coming back to take Ify away and then she is leaving her group of war child to be with other girls where she is raising Ify into young girl. War separated them, Enyemaka is continuing to say. But lies reunited them, and Ify committed a crime that killed many people. But Onyii could not let her die, so she sent her to space.
And why is Onyii not going with her to space? I am asking Enyemaka, and it is also sounding like Why am I not going with her to space?
Onyii was sick with radiation. She saved Ify’s life but passed through dangerous lands to do it and was poisoned. Her body began to betray her. She knew she would die, and she didn’t want Ify to see her dying. Because of Ify’s crime, war continued, and Onyii submitted herself to the medical operation that made you.
So that she is continuing to be soldier?
Enyemaka is shaking her head. No, she is saying. So that she may see Ify again.
I am not being able to move.
That is why you are chasing Ify.
I am feeling like I am being given test when Enyemaka is telling me these thing. Like choice is before me. I am looking to Enyemaka. And then I am thinking of Xifeng. And it is a surprise to me that I am not feeling want to be with her again, even though she is caring for me and giving me purpose. I am realizing that even when I am with Xifeng, I am killing and causing humans to be dying. Even with Xifeng, I am child of war. I am not wanting to be child of war anymore. What do I do? I am asking Enyemaka.