I find a spot for a tiny video camera in between a bunch of books lined up along the desk shelf, tucking it securely between her copy of Shakespeare’s tragedies and the latest teen romance. I open the app on my phone that’s connected to the feed and make sure it works properly. There’s a pinch in my stomach. I shouldn’t be in here, doing this, invading her space like this. What if she finds it?
But I have to. She invaded my space, took everything—and everyone—from me. I wasn’t the one who hurt her. So I will watch her. Whoever wanted to hurt her will try again.
I hear voices in the hall and quickly step out of her room. There’s too much movement and laughter for anyone to really pay attention to me. I get bumped several times. I used to walk into a hallway and girls would move out of my way. They’d hold their breath or try to talk to me. They’re all so spindly and narrow I can push right through them. The weakest ones look like haunted little skeletons that will never make it because they think they can just starve themselves and that will be enough. They forget about strength, that crucial component of ballet.
The elevator door opens and more girls pour out. It’s Gigi and Cassie and a few others I don’t recognize in their costumes, or maybe because I never got to know them. Then there’s Eleanor. I get into the elevator, standing right next to her. We don’t say anything to each other. I wonder if she recognizes me, if she can smell my perfume, if she can tell that it’s me. She gets off on the next floor and looks back. Her eyes find mine and I see a flicker of recognition. I blow her a kiss as the elevator doors close. Her mouth drops open in a surprised O.
As the elevator descends, tears wet my mask and become so furious that it can’t catch them all. Not angry or bitter ones. Little girl tears. Sad tears. Unexpected tears.
11.
Gigi
THE SOUNDS OF A FIGHT drift through my bedroom walls from the stairwell. Angry shouts and the noise of clomping footsteps and slamming doors seep through. It’s almost midnight. I slip out of bed, step over bits and pieces of my Halloween costume that should’ve made it to the hamper, and creak open the door. The hallway is dark now that the RAs have turned down the lights postcurfew.
It’s Sei-Jin, dressed as a black cat, which makes her blend a bit too well into the darkness of the stairwell.
I freeze and press myself against the wall, so I can see Sei-Jin, but she can’t see me.
“You tell so many lies, E-Jun, I don’t know how anyone believes you.”
June.
“Someone went through my room,” Sei-Jin says. “My stuff was everywhere.”
“Well, it wasn’t me,” June yells back. “I’m not the only one who hates you here.”
“You messed my pointe shoes up, too. All this feels just like something you’d do.”
“I didn’t do anything to your shoes.” June’s voice echoes out of the stairwell and into the hall. “And you left those pictures of Riho in my room.”
Shoes? The vinegar. She thinks June did it. That feels like such a long time ago. I remember Sei-Jin’s embarrassed face, pink from crying and her sitting out of ballet class after discovering the ruined pointe shoes.
My heart accelerates and I don’t need my wrist monitor to tell me it’s beating too fast. A hot pinch of guilt twists in my stomach. I liked seeing Sei-Jin upset in ballet class, but part of me still felt terrible.
“I know you did,” Sei-Jin says. June’s stuck in the stairwell—probably trying to sneak in past curfew. She looks panicked. Sei-Jin won’t let June pass her and come out onto the floor. “You’ve always wanted what I had. And you’ve always been willing to do whatever it takes to get it. You’re pathetic. You’re disgusting.”
“You didn’t always think I was that way. Or did you forget?” June lunges forward, in Sei-Jin’s face. She’s so close that Sei-Jin turns her head in the opposite direction, her arms flailing as she tries to shove her away. “You remember kissing me? You’re the liar.”
I take a step back, unsure about what I’ve just heard. Sei-Jin and June kissing. I hold my breath and keep listening, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I think about the things June told me about Sei-Jin. How they used to room together in ninth grade and spend all their time at Sei-Jin’s aunt’s house. How they used to share clothes and Sei-Jin tried to make her learn Korean by introducing her to K-pop. How Sei-Jin was dating Jayhe, a boy June had known since she was in diapers. I remember the wistfulness when she told me that, the pain underneath, like it was an old scar that still felt sore to the touch sometimes.
Sei-Jin’s voice breaks. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, yes you do.” June tries to shove past her again, but Sei-Jin blocks her. “Do you want to kiss me again? Just come out to your parents. Tell them you like girls and boys. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.”
“You shut up. Just shut your mouth,” Sei-Jin says through her teeth. “Stop with your lies and messing with my things.”
“I didn’t touch your shoes, and I didn’t tear up your room.”
“If you mess with me again, I’m going to tell everyone the truth about you.”
“Oh, that old lesbian rumor. Dating Jayhe has erased that.”
Sei-Jin smiles. “No, E-Jun. I know something so much worse. Something no one would ever forgive you for.”
“You don’t know anything about me. I’m not afraid of you.”
“I’ll tell them that you killed Gigi’s butterflies.”
June’s face looks terrified, like she’s seen a ghost.
My breath catches in my throat. I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest. I press into my door. The knob jams into my back.
“You’re sick, E-Jun,” Sei-Jin says, as June sways, like she’s been socked in the stomach. “Really messed up. Mental case.”
“I didn’t—” June pushes forward. “Let me out of the stairwell.”
Sei-Jin puts a hand on her shoulder, and I can see her bare white teeth despite the dark. I can hear her angry growling. “I saw you sneak out of rehearsal early that day, when you thought no one was watching. Then, magically, you were back in rehearsal to collect tutus. I bet if someone checked the security cameras that day, they’d see you going up to your room.”
“I don’t—”
“Your needles gave you away. You’re the only one that coats the middle with nail polish to grip them.” Sei-Jin pokes a finger in June’s chest. “I saw them. Clear-nail-polish-coated needles.”
Silence stretches between them. I hold my breath, waiting for June to say that Sei-Jin is lying again. I wait for her to deny it all. I wait for her to storm straight through Sei-Jin.
“Fine, I did it. Is that what you wanted to hear?” she snaps. “Is that going to get you to move? Or should I start screaming for the RAs?”
Tears roll down my cheeks, unstoppable. How could she do that to me?
Doors start to open. Girls step into the hallway. The RA comes out of her room. A chorus of confusion starts.
“What happened?”
“June, are you okay?”