I wanted to believe DJ. I wanted to believe that every time he looked at me, he wasn’t going to see what had happened to me. I wanted to believe that DJ was as honest and real as he seemed, and that he wasn’t a liar like Billy had been.
I wanted to believe. But I didn’t.
FIFTY-FOUR
“NOA?” DJ’S VOICE WAS CAUTIOUS. Tentative and soft. “Can you maybe come out of the airlock?”
I turned around. “It’s not what you think. Trust me.” I reached for the button to shut the airlock door.
“Wait!” DJ rushed forward and hit the touch panel on his side, which opened the door again. “What are you doing?”
“Look,” I said. “I know what this looks like—”
“It looks like you’re trying to end your life!”
“I’m not. I mean, kind of but not technically.” I reached for the panel again. There had to be a way to override DJ’s commands.
DJ jumped into the airlock with me before the door shut.
“This won’t change my mind,” I said.
As I moved to hit the button that would cycle the airlock, DJ shoved his body between me and the touch panel. “You’re not doing this.”
“Get out of the way, DJ.”
“No!”
I tried to push DJ, but he was a brick wall, and I didn’t have the strength to overpower him. “You think I’m planning to end my life, but I’m just resetting the day. It’s going to happen no matter what I do. Popping open the airlock is just quicker than trying to fall asleep.”
“What is wrong with you, Noa?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” I said. “Something is wrong with the universe.” I tried to get past him again, but DJ’s hand shot out and grabbed my arm. “Don’t touch me!”
DJ yanked his arm back. “I’m sorry! But I’m not letting you do this.”
“We’re stuck in a loop, DJ. Don’t you get it? This day repeats over and over.” I waited a second to see if he understood, but he was still staring at me with that look of utter confusion and fear. “How do you think I knew you’d planned a picnic? How do you think I knew to bring dessert and to change into something nicer than what I was wearing? Because every time I fall asleep or get knocked unconscious or die, the day starts over. Every single thing resets right back to where it was. I’m in the galley, Jenny’s at the table, and you’re waiting for me in the garden.”
There was no way I was going to get past him, but I also didn’t think I could convince him I wasn’t delusional. The best I could do was try and hope for the best. So I began at the beginning. I told him about every version of this horrible, unending day. By the time I finished, we’d moved out of the airlock and were sitting in the changing room, though DJ remained between me and the airlock door.
“How many times?” DJ asked.
I shrugged. “Fifty? Maybe a hundred. I lost track. And some days ended quickly, so I’m not sure if they count.”
“And you have no idea why this is happening?”
“None.”
DJ was shaking his head, but I didn’t know why. “What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “Except I don’t think you actually want to stop the loop.”
I was tempted to make another try for the airlock. “Of course I do.”
“Do you? Because for someone who claims to want to move forward, you seem real determined to go back.” I spluttered and tried to tell him he was wrong, but he kept going. “I understand how difficult it was to tell me about what Billy did to you, and I know it made you feel vulnerable, but what was the point if you’re going to jump out of the airlock and make it like it never happened?”
“Yeah, well, it didn’t happen to you.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“You’re not the only person in the world who’s been hurt, Noa. You’re not the only one who’s scared. Do you think it’s easy for me to put my feelings out there knowing you might stick them in the airlock and blow them into space?”
“Of course not—”
“I care about you,” he went on. “As a friend first. I was hoping for a chance to see if there might be more, but maybe I was wrong about you.”
I snorted and laughed. “We’re on a spaceship, DJ, we’re lost, I’m stuck in a time loop, and you’re worried about our relationship?”
“This isn’t worth it anymore,” DJ said. His shoulders relaxed and he hung his head low. He stood up and moved out of the way of the airlock. “You wanna jump? Jump. You wanna spend the rest of your life watching Murder Your Darlings? I won’t stop you. But I can’t keep trying to make you happy, Noa. I can’t keep begging you to be part of this crew. To be part of our lives. I don’t want to live the rest of my life on Qriosity, but I may have to. So I’m going to make the best of it. With or without you.”
Then DJ did the one thing I never expected. He gave up.
“Wait!” I said when he reached the door. “You promised you weren’t going to leave me alone?”
DJ looked over his shoulder. “Can’t leave someone who’s already gone.” He turned around. “What’re you waiting for? You wanted to start the day over. I’m not in your way anymore.” He paused before adding, “Do me a favor next time?”
“What?”
“Don’t come to the garden,” he said. “That picnic was my last-ditch effort. I promised myself if you didn’t come or if you got there and weren’t into it that I was going to let it go.” DJ sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. “What you did today, giving me hope and then snatching it away… I don’t want to go through that again, okay?”
I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room even though I hadn’t opened the airlock door. I tried to speak, but even if I’d had the words, even if I’d known what to say, I couldn’t.
DJ left, and I was alone.
FIFTY-FOUR
I FOUND DJ IN THE galley. He was sitting at the table, examining the puzzle I’d seen Jenny with earlier. As soon as I walked in, DJ pushed back his chair.
“Please don’t,” I said. “Please don’t leave.”
DJ didn’t stand, but he didn’t relax either. “Decided not to jump?”
I sat at the table, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I miss home,” I said. “I miss my mom and my friends and the Indian takeout place nearby that does the most amazing samosas. I even miss the things I hated like waking up early for school and people who spit on the sidewalk and late buses and rain.”
“I get it,” DJ said. “You hate it here and you wish you were home.”
He was angry, and he had every right to be. “You feel like home to me, DJ. From the first time I heard your voice in my helmet, there’s something about you that makes me feel like I want to be anywhere you are. And that scares me.”
DJ sat up a little straighter. “Why?”
“Because if home is where you are, then what’s back on Earth? By telling you what I told you about Billy, by admitting that I have feelings for you too—that I think you’re the bravest person on this ship—then I’m letting go of the past. I’m giving up on ever seeing that home again.”