“Great! There’s a place up in the mountains I’d love to show you sometime.”
“Sounds good.” I was so embarrassed that I probably would have agreed to anything when I should have just said no.
* * *
—
A few minutes later, I was standing beside James, waving at the back of the Turners’ SUV. The instant it disappeared, my uncle slid an arm around my shoulder and squeezed.
“Did everything go okay with Nolan?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “He’s not too bad.”
“I’m sorry if you thought I was being too protective before. I didn’t know if you were comfortable spending time with young men yet. I wasn’t expecting Nolan to join us this morning, and I didn’t want you to feel pressured to entertain him.”
My uncle’s concern made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to people worrying about my feelings. “It’s fine. We had a nice walk,” I answered.
That’s when James’s voice changed. “The truth is, Bram, I don’t know Nolan very well and I can’t vouch for him. It’s not been very long since the…incident. I don’t want anything to happen that might impact your recovery.”
I squirmed with discomfort. He was edging near the one subject I didn’t care to discuss. “Nolan and I just went for a walk,” I said. “It wasn’t a date.”
“He seemed quite taken with you,” James pressed.
“I’m not interested in Nolan,” I told him. “I have no intention of dating anyone.”
My uncle squeezed my shoulder. “I’m glad to hear it, Bram,” he said. He seemed pleased. “I really do think it’s for the best for the time being.”
Something inside me shifted, and I felt the anger rising. When did you decide to care? I wanted to ask him. Why weren’t you there when I really needed you? Why didn’t you save me before it was too late? But I didn’t say anything. Instead I swallowed my words, as I’d always done. I felt them melt back into the molten pit inside me that had been churning and bubbling for five long years, waiting for the right time to explode.
I went upstairs and took a cold shower. Then I stayed in the rose room for the rest of the day. I did what I could to keep it together. The right time was close, but it hadn’t yet come.
In my dream, the whisper was soft and cajoling—the kind you’d offer a whimpering pet or a crying child. Lips brushed against my ear, and feverish breath scalded the side of my face. I couldn’t see a thing. I felt a flaming hot hand on my thigh. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t call out for help. Something was horribly wrong with my voice.
Then I found it. I sat up, wide awake, and screamed until my throat was raw.
“Bram! Bram!” The bed bounced as someone plopped down onto the mattress. An arm curled around my shoulders and shook me until I recovered my senses. I could feel Miriam’s heart pounding inside her chest. She was panting as though she’d sprinted all the way to my room.
“Sorry,” I croaked.
“Sweetheart, it’s okay.” Then she leaned closer to my ear. “What happened? Did something scare you?”
I shook my head to spare my voice. I wasn’t scared. I was sorry for dragging her out of bed in the middle of the night.
“I think she’s going to be okay,” Miriam assured someone.
I looked up to see James standing in the doorway, swathed in the pajamas of the bigger man he’d once been. He knew what he’d heard. I hadn’t been screaming in fear. Rage sounds different. I know my mother must have warned him it would happen, but I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn’t prepared. He thought I was crazy.
“Was it a bad dream?” Miriam asked me.
It had all the elements of a bad dream. Monsters. Terror. Darkness. But it was more than a dream. It was a memory—one that had lodged itself in the back of my head.
I cleared my throat. “You guys can go back to sleep,” I told them both. “I’ll be fine. I have the same dream all the time. It’s nothing new.”
“You’re sure? You’re as red as a beet,” Miriam said, though she was looking at James, not me.
“Positive,” I said, swinging my legs over to the other side of the mattress and standing up. “I’ll go splash some cold water on my face.” I walked to the bathroom and paused at the door. Neither Miriam nor my uncle had budged. “Thank you,” I said firmly. “You can both go.” I waited until Miriam crossed the room and James stepped aside to let her out. Then the door closed behind them. James hadn’t said a single thing.
I stood in front of the bathroom sink with the water running. My face was still a deep red—like that of a newborn baby who’s just discovered her lungs. That’s what the dream felt like. A shock, followed by terror. And then finally, freedom.
When I returned to the rose room, the door was standing wide open. The only light in the room came from the embers glowing in the fireplace. I was sure James had closed the door when he’d left with Miriam, but I hadn’t had a chance to lock it. Now the empty doorframe stood like a portal to a darker place. I could sense someone there, standing just out of sight. Whoever it was had been summoned by my screams.
This time, I didn’t run or slam the door shut. I wasn’t going to hide anymore.
“Hello?” I said, careful to keep my voice low. “Who’s there?”
I waited for an answer. Then the outline of a girl appeared in the doorway. She was small—almost dainty. While her face stayed in the shadows, her satin dress glowed faintly. It was drab and dingy, no longer white. The skirt appeared sodden and the hem had ripped. Clutching the fabric were pale hands with long, thin fingers.
I hadn’t touched drugs in a year, and I’d been so sure of my sanity. Now I was seeing something I knew couldn’t exist. Ghosts lived in people’s heads, not in their houses. My own skull was full of them. Now it felt like one of them had broken free. My mind hadn’t been strong enough to hold her.
“Am I going crazy?” The ground was disintegrating beneath my feet. It was a sensation I knew all too well. When you aren’t sure what’s real, it feels like you’re falling.
I tried closing my eyes. When I opened them, the girl was still there, and I started to cry. My faith in my sanity was the only thing I had left. It had saved me from hopelessness and given me purpose. Without it, I knew I’d be lost.
“Please,” I begged the girl. “Don’t do this to me.”