We are quiet. For a long time. There is only the soft, strange sounds a hospital makes late at night, and the air conditioner, and Drew’s breath, and mine.
“Okay,” he finally says. He lets go of my hands. So quiet: “Okay.”
I brush my lips against his, quick, then stand. “I have to go now.”
Before I take back everything I said. Before I throw myself into his arms and never, ever leave. I have to go. Now.
He doesn’t get up, just nods. I stand. Cross the room, sail away from the only port I’ve had in this storm. I am pushing out into unknown waters. I pull open the door and, just as it’s about to close behind me, I hear him.
“Hannah.”
I turn. Drew holds up the Chariot card I gave him all those months ago. He’s been keeping it in his pocket, all this time. I never knew.
“You said the cards don’t lie.”
I see us in his kitchen, me pointing to that card.
So, the Chariot is about perseverance. To not give up on this thing you want, even if it seems impossible. It’s all about creating a big change in your life. So whatever this thing you want is, you’re going to have to be all in …
That slow smile of his spreads across his face. The hurt is still there, the longing. The terror of the past night, and all the nights before and to come.
But those are just cracks that let the light in.
It is so bright.
47
Mae
ISS Location: Low-Earth Orbit
Earth Date: 10 June
Earth Time (PST): 11:15
The Three Sisters in Orion’s Belt was one of the first constellations I ever learned. They’re super bright, very easy to locate.
The sisters help you orient yourself.
Dad holds my hand up to the sky and traces my finger across its surface.
“Orion’s the Hunter,” he says. “There’s his bow and arrow. See? And there’s his head. His chest. And those three bright stars—that’s his belt.”
“To keep his pants up?”
Dad laughs. “Maybe. But, in ancient times, a belt could be very valuable—made of gold and jewels, even. So that belt is probably very precious to Orion. In fact, the Arabic word for the stars in the belt means ‘string of pearls.’”
“That’s a pretty fancy belt.”
“It is, indeed. Many people call Orion’s Belt the Three Sisters. I think I like that better.”
“Me, too,” I decide.
He presses my finger against each one, and I swear I feel the white-hot heat of those blazing pearls all the way down here on the beach.
“Alnitak. Alnilam. Mintaka. Whenever you’re lost in the sky, just look for them. They’ll help you find your way.”
Hannah and I have asked Rebecca Chen to bring Pearl to the children’s room in the central library in downtown LA, just off the atrium where we had Mom and Dad’s memorial service. We arrived early and chose a table in a little corner, where hopefully no one will bother us. I have no idea what to expect—not a confrontation, I don’t think. We’re here to see Pearl, not get into it with our dad’s … with Rebecca. But still.
Aunt Nora is at a nearby cafe, waiting for us.
We’re sitting at a small wooden table by the picture books. I have been slowly spinning the globe that is on the table for the past fifteen minutes, my fingers running over the bump of Malaysia, traveling across the sea to Boston, across America to Los Angeles.
I am nervous.
“We should have played poker,” I say.
“What?”
“American astronauts always play poker just before they board the spacecraft. It’s good luck, which no one believes in, but maybe they do a little because everyone plays the game. They can’t stop until the commander plays the worst hand.”
“Why does he have to play the worst hand?” she asks.
“So he or she uses up all their bad luck for the day.”
“I don’t know how to play poker.”
“Neither do I. But it can’t be that hard.” I frown. “They probably don’t have cards here, though.”
“Well, shit,” Nah says.
I hold up the stuffed Buzz Lightyear I got Pearl. “But I think we’re okay, because they also always bring a stuffed toy on board.”
“Are you admitting to me that the smartest people in the world—and I’m including you in this, sister—are superstitious?”
I shake Buzz. “He serves a purpose. When you’re launching, everything is strapped down. But not the toy. You know you’ve reached zero gravity when it starts floating around. Cool, huh?”
“Then I guess we’ll have to get you one of these, too.” She reaches down and pulls a bag from her purse. “Speaking of toys…”
“Something else for Pearl?”
Nah smiles. “For you.”
I open the bag. Inside is a LEGO kit called Women of NASA. I stare at the two mini lady astronauts beside a shuttle.
“It’s Mae!” she says.
It has always been a delight to me that I share a name with Mae Jemison, who became the first black woman to go in space when she launched on the Endeavor in 1992. Dad swears he didn’t think about that when they named me, but I don’t know. I think he was planting a seed.
“I love it,” I say. “It will be awesome in my dorm room.”
“Right? It’s like the universe always knew you belonged up there,” Nah says. “Someday there’s gonna be a LEGO of you, I know it.” She reaches across the table. “Mae. I’m so sorry, so, so sorry, for breaking the ISS you made with Dad. And for all the horrible things I said and did these past few months. Thank you for never giving up on me.”
“I’ll always love you to the moon and back.” I grin. “Maybe even as far as Mars and back, if you’re lucky.”
I have forgiven Nah for that mean thing she said when she was on drugs. About wanting me to do the Mars mission. I think I forgave her the moment she said it. We both know she never meant it. That’s a really long time to be without your sister.
She groans. “Please don’t do the Mars mission. I don’t think I could handle eight years without you.”
“I suspect we’d both start failing our psych evals,” I agree. I run my hand over this box filled with women doing impossible things. “And there are good things about Earth, too.”
Ben. Brownies. Hannah’s playlists. Nate’s ridiculous T-shirts. My new baby sister.
I don’t want to see Rebecca. I don’t know how holding Pearl will affect Nah. And I don’t have a lot of time to help with the fallout, if there is any. We graduated three days ago, and I only have a few weeks before I head to Annapolis for Plebe Summer. She seems to be doing okay, but you never know. You just never know.
“I’m fine,” Nah says.
“Are you reading my MIND?”
“Yes. I always read your mind.” She spins the globe and we watch it go round and round. “Obviously I don’t want to see Rebecca. And yesterday was … intense. But I really am okay.”
Nah took a walk on the beach with Micah last night. I don’t know what they said, but when she came back to our hotel room, she seemed lighter.