I try to leave a gaggle of kids as politely as I can—“Sorry, I have to go; I’m going to be late meeting Gabriel”—but I barely make it fifteen steps before someone else pops up to chat. Seriously, how does anyone ever get to where they’re going around here?
But eventually—finally—I make it to the spot I’m meeting Gabriel, where he’s already waiting. Once he sees me, he lifts a hand and smiles slightly. My heart misses a beat. Whenever he smiles, the left side of his mouth always lifts a little higher than the right. It’s way too disarming. “Good to see you,” he says.
“You too,” I say lamely. Come on, idiot. Come up with something better than that.
We start walking down the haphazard paths. Gabriel stopped using his cane earlier this week, but he’s still pretty slow. Or deliberate, I guess. He might be one of those so-called limitless Nytes who can use their gifts without ever seeming to risk a fallout, but it still takes a toll on him. Little wonder. Everyone and their mom must want a power crystal that neutralizes other Nytes’ gifts, and making so many must take a lot out of him. Lai told me about this other “limitless” Nyte, a guy in the Order called Syon. He has endless control over energy, but at the cost of his emotions. Any slight feeling could send his power spiraling out of control. Gabriel’s price for unlimited power is his physical constitution. I don’t know which sounds worse.
“You didn’t have to come with me, you know,” Gabriel says as we stroll along. Today he’s delivering two of his power crystals to some rebels before our group meeting with Ellis later. I asked if I could tag along to get a better sense of the town’s layout, and he said sure. But honestly, I just wanted an excuse to hang out with him. “You’ve actually already got a good sense of the area, don’t you?” He’s sharp. “I’m sure you have better things to do.”
“I wanted to come,” I say with a half shrug. “I’m happy you let me join you.”
He raises an eyebrow. Was I too obvious? But the left side of his smile lifts a little higher, and he says, “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Have you managed to settle in all right?”
I hold back a sigh of relief as I tell him about the woodshop in the main office, getting used to always being hungry, and training with Cal.
Cal is obviously my best bet for learning more about my past, and he’s the easiest to talk to and be around, so I’ve been spending most of my time with him. Before I knew it, we were doing just about everything together. He’s happy to tell me about the old days, but whenever he describes the past me, who genuinely hated the sectors, the ungifted, and maybe just about everything, it feels like he’s talking about a total stranger. I like to think the current me has more of a passive-aggressiveness toward everything.
Other than Cal, the only person I hang out with is Gabriel—and I definitely don’t mention how much I like being around him. He said we weren’t close when I was with the rebels the first time, and it’s obvious after a few questions he really doesn’t know much about the me from back then. But even though talking to him won’t help me, I still find myself drawn to him. I tell myself it’s just because he’s nice. Nice in a way that isn’t because we used to be good friends. He doesn’t look at me like he’s waiting for the old me to return. With him, there’re no expectations, no demands. I actually enjoy being with him. I find excuses to spend time together.
As far as I can tell, he isn’t trying to decide whether or not I can be trusted, either, which is a huge improvement from all the other leaders except Cal. I can actually feel sort of normal around Gabriel. And forget that I’m stabbing him and everyone else in the back as I sit in my room at night and send telepathic reports on the rebels’ plans to Lai. But of course, I don’t actually say any of this to him as we walk through the streets, stopping every once in a while to say hi to the kids we pass.
When Gabriel gives his power crystal to the first rebel on our delivery route, she almost cries. The second guy won’t stop hugging Gabriel and thanking him. I have to drag him away since he’s too nice to say he needs to go himself.
“You really should take it easy on the power crystals,” I say. “You’re going to need that cane permanently at this rate.” And the more neutralization crystals the rebels have, the harder it’ll be for the Order and military to fight them.
“You, worried about someone?” Gabriel asks. “How rare.”
Heat floods my face. “I worry about my friends. Doesn’t everyone?”
It’s the first time I’ve called anyone here a friend aloud other than Cal, but Gabriel doesn’t mention it. “Even when you’d been with the rebels for years and you had your memories, you didn’t show concern for others. If someone died, they were just a casualty of the cause. Everyone knew that about you.”
Everyone knows this, everyone knows that, but no one knows anything that’s actually important. I’m getting tired of the constant analysis of my past self—even if that’s what I came here to learn. The more I hear about this former Erik, the more sick of him I get.
“Look, whoever that guy was, I’m not him anymore,” I say. “I’d appreciate not having to hear any more comparisons from everyone.”
Gabriel’s slanted smile disappears. “I didn’t mean to make you angry.”
“I’m not angry.”
We walk for a few steps in silence before Gabriel says, “I’m sorry. I knew you lost your memories, but I didn’t think you’d be a different person. I guess I assumed your personality would be the same as before. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” My heat is already fading. It’s hard to stay annoyed when someone is being so genuinely apologetic. “Not really. Being here is just … a lot. Everyone expects me to be someone I’m not, and then they act all surprised when I’m myself. Plus, I’m not really a fan of this past Erik everyone apparently liked so much.” My nose scrunches up. “I wish people here preferred the current me.”
“I prefer the current you,” Gabriel says. He says it without hesitation but not like he’s just saying it to reassure me, either. He sounds like he means it. Which, okay, is how he always sounds, but it still throws me off. “If you acted like the old Erik, I wouldn’t hang around with you so much. Probably not at all. I didn’t really … agree with some of your past viewpoints.”
“Like what?”
“Like wiping out all the ungifted.”
I stop walking. Gabriel keeps going a few steps before he realizes I’m not beside him, then he stops, too.
“Are you sure you should say something like that?” I can’t believe any rebel, let alone one of the top commanders here, would ever admit to not wanting to kill the ungifted. Isn’t that the rebels’ whole shtick? I am very, very aware of Ellis’s butterfly in my shadow watching and listening to me and my surroundings at all times. “Isn’t that the whole goal of the rebels?”
“Sara is aware of my opinions, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He sounds amused. “We go further back than the rebels. When she first set out to start the group, I tried to talk her out of it. She didn’t listen.”