He stops once my upper body is exposed, with only my bra on. “Are you okay?” he asks. He’s attentive and caring.
“Perfect. Don’t stop.”
He hesitates for a few seconds, then leans forward and begins kissing my neck again. With a slight lick, he trails his tongue to the top of my breast. Unclipping my bra with one hand, he flicks my bra off.
My heart begins to beat quickly, and my stomach churns with anxiety.
This is my first time. I’ve never had sex with anyone before. I’ve never wanted to, until now.
His hands tenderly explore my body. I fall back on the bed, and Dylan hovers over me. “You’re beautiful,” he says.
My heart pounds stronger with each passing second.
I close my eyes, and try to push everything else out of my mind. I try to focus on what Dylan is doing.
My hands tremble as I reach for Dylan.
“Hey, I can stop,” he says.
I open my eyes, to find him staring down at me. “I’m okay, just keep going,” I encourage Dylan.
“Molly, if you’re not ready, I’m not going to keep going.”
“Please.” I grab onto him, and drag him toward me. “I’m ready.” He hesitates for a second, but continues to kiss my neck. Slower, more reluctantly. “I’m okay.”
“I know, I’m just taking my time. I’m enjoying you.”
Closing my eyes, I feel every brush of his lips, every tender stroke of his hand.
My body sweats, and I try to stop the trembling.
My breathing changes. It becomes short and labored. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. My chest feels like I have a ton of bricks sitting atop it. And I’m trembling so hard I can’t make it stop. “Stop!” I yell, but my voice comes out tiny and hoarse. It feels like hands are closing tight around my throat. “I can’t. I’m sorry; I can’t.”
Dylan jumps up off the bed and backs away from me.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he stands up against the wall. “I’m sorry.” Panic shrouds him.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.” I leap off the bed, and run to the bathroom, where I slam the door shut, and fall in front of the toilet. I heave into the bowl, bringing my dinner up.
“Molly, are you okay?” Dylan asks from the other side of the door.
“I’m sorry,” I say then burst into tears. My hands are still trembling, and my entire body is shaking from fear. I’m so embarrassed. I’m not even sure why I reacted this way. It takes me a long time to find the courage to open the door to the bathroom.
Dylan’s sitting on the bed, his head in his hands, as his elbows balancing on his knees. “Molly,” he says when he hears the door open. “I’m sorry. Is it something I did?”
I shake my head, unable to speak. I burst into tears again. I’m such a mess.
“It’s okay that you’re not ready. I can wait.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He walks toward me slowly and takes me into his arms, hugging me tight to his now-clothed chest. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay. Look, why don’t you put your pajamas on, and we can just lie down. I promise you, nothing will happen until you’re a thousand per cent sure you want to.”
“I want to, really I do. But I freaked out. I’m not sure why.”
“It’s okay, really it is.”
I grab my pajamas, and head into the bathroom to change. I feel bad for not being able to have sex with Dylan. I don’t think it would be nice of me to strip in front of him. That’s teasing him with something I obviously can’t give him.
I brush my teeth again, and head out to find Dylan in bed already. “Come here,” he says as he pats the bed.
I crawl into bed, into his open arms and lay my head on his chest. I address the giant gray elephant in the room. “I’m not sure why I reacted like that. And please don’t say it’s okay; it’s not.”
“I know this is your first time, Molly. And it can’t be easy for you.”
Running my fingers over his chest, I think back to when Tina lost her virginity. “When Tina told me she had sex for the first time, I had no interest in knowing anything about it. But she wanted to tell me, so I let her. I remember thinking, how uninteresting sex sounded. And how I couldn’t see why all the girls in school were busting their asses to have sex with whomever they could. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to shame them, I just didn’t get it.”
“You don’t have to explain that to me.”
“Here’s the thing, Dylan. I never wanted to have sex with anyone. But I met you, and all these feelings started to develop, and having sex with you was—is—something I’m actually looking forward to. I have no idea why I just freaked out like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all me.”
“I don’t know what to say to you.”
“I’m embarrassed by my mini panic attack. That’s what it felt like. My chest became tight, I was shaking and sweating, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I can’t explain it. It’s not you, Dylan because I love you. It’s…” I stop myself. Shit, did I just say the L word to Dylan? If so, did he hear it? Crap, what have I done?
His embrace tightens around me. “You love me?” he asks in the sweetest of voices. It’s almost like he doesn’t believe me.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I might as well admit it. “I love you,” I say as I tilt my head up to look at him.
He smiles at me, and leans down to kiss me. “I feel the same way about you, too. I’ve loved you since the day you sassed me at the mall. You’re exactly what my heart craves.”
“But I flaked out, and I’m obviously not ready for sex.”
“When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
“I hate how perfect you are. I feel inadequate. Like you deserve better.”
“You’re my better, Molly. You’re my everything.”
I lean on one elbow, and hover over him for a kiss.
Laying on his body, I place my head on his chest and close my eyes. We may not have had sex, but now he knows exactly how I feel, and I know precisely how he feels about me.
I move to roll off Dylan so I don’t squish him, but he tightens his grip on me. “Stay. I like this.”
“Okay,” I whisper, and place a kiss over his heart.
I have his heart, and he has mine. I’m so lucky to have him, nothing can ruin this for me.
“How was it?” Mom asks as we prepare dinner.
I look around, making sure Dylan’s not anywhere near. I know he’s in the family room with Dad. I muster a weak smile. “Yeah, it was good.”
“Did you two have sex?” Mom doesn’t mix her words.
I look down at the pepper I’m chopping and I can feel my cheeks redden. This is a very personal question. “No, we didn’t.”
“What? Why?” she sounds shocked.
“I don’t know what happened. We were getting quite intimate, and I freaked out.” I stop chopping the pepper, and walk away from Mom. Sitting at the dining table, I keep looking down at the floor. Zhen, gets up from where he was lying and follows me to sit between my legs.