She smiled encouragingly, helped me up, and led me to the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bathtub while I reached into the medicine cabinet for toothpaste. The floss and mouthwash looked lonely on the now barren shelves. There wasn’t a single razor or bottle of pills in sight. I felt a little contempt for myself. What kind of person puts their family through this? Why shouldn’t they hate me? I am useless. But then I saw Jillian’s dark eyes looking back at mine in the mirror. There was no hate in them. There was only love. She seemed glad to sit there and keep me company.
I brushed my teeth. My aunt moved to lean on the sink while I had a shower. My back hurt from lying in bed so long. I washed my hair and body slowly, with shaking hands. I dried off with the towel Jillian held out for me.
In my room I pulled on some clean clothes and sat on the edge of my bed for a while next to Jillian, both of us silent. By then the house was full of the pungent smell of curry and the aromatic scent of basmati rice.
I suddenly realized that my last meal had been the barely eaten chicken at Tacos and Tequila. Remembering that reminded me that I had had my freak-out session in the presence of the Cute Boy, the best-looking boy I had ever seen in my entire life, who miraculously seemed to be interested in me! I groaned and hid my face in a pillow. Jillian put her hand on my shoulder and rubbed it lightly, no doubt gearing up to deal with another meltdown.
“Don’t worry,” I said, my voice muffled by the pillow. “I’m not going to trip off. I was just remembering how I messed up in front of—”
I gulped my last words down. “What?” Jillian asked.
“Nothing,” I lied, and then got up and we went outside to the deck. The tubs of summer flowers in the backyard seemed way too bright after my seeing nothing but blank walls and bed linen for days. There was a light breeze blowing. The flowers bobbed their heads in the rustic-looking planters. A few leaves blew off the neighbor’s maple tree, falling on the neat, green lawn. I picked up a rake and went to gather the stray leaves. When I’d pulled them into a little pile, Jillian and I sat on the patio chairs and just watched the dancing flowers. My hands were still shaking.
After a while, Julie joined us. “Dinner’s almost done,” she said, wiping her hands on a paper towel. Dropping an absentminded kiss on the top of Jillian’s head, she took a seat next to us. “What do you want to do tomorrow?” she asked me.
“Dunno,” I said.
“Swimming or gym?” Jillian said, mindful of the doctor’s words about exercise.
“Gym, I guess,” I said after a minute, thinking of my comfy new sneakers.
“We should take turns taking her around,” Julie suggested to Jillian. “I’ll take her tomorrow, you could do the next day.”
“Don’t you think I should take her out first?” Jillian responded.
“Um, hello?” I said. “I am sitting right here.” Julie looked abashed, but only a little bit. “Besides, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be okay with either one of you.” People fighting over me wasn’t something I was accustomed to, but I could get used to it.
Julie beamed at me. I didn’t say it out loud, but what I meant was that she was equally as important to me as Jillian—who looked at me with a big grin when she caught on.
“Well, look at us,” Jillian said. “One big happy.”
Maybe not happy, not yet. But one big something, for sure.
Jillian and I were in the kitchen when the phone rang. Since hardly anybody ever called other than Cynthia, we knew what that ring-ring sound probably meant.
“Hello, yeah?” I said when I picked up.
“ ‘Hello, yeah?’ Is that how you answer the phone?” Her voice was sharp. My mother was irritated at my lack of whatever, blah, blah, blah. As usual. You suck, kid. I wish you were a better daughter.
“Sorry,” I grumbled. “Hello, Mom. How are you?”
“Fine. Still trying to catch up on work. You know those people, always putting paperwork on my desk in a complete state and I have to do everything….”
I zoned out. When she called my name for the third time I came back to myself with a snap. “Yes, Mummy?”
“Let me talk to your aunt. You clearly have nothing useful to say.”
My face burned. Without a word more I handed the phone over to Jillian. My aunt watched me with a frown. I couldn’t tell if she was pissed at me or her sister. Probably me.
A little voice in my head chimed in with Dr. Khan’s reminder to say nice things about myself. Okay, okay. Maybe Jillian was annoyed at her sister, not at me.
“Cynthia! How are you?!”
Jillian was always nice on the phone with my mom. They were sisters, after all. They had been close once, really close, before Jillian left Trinidad.
“Oh, things are going well….” She told Mom about her new contract, leaving out the LGBTQ connection. My family was full of things better left unsaid.
“Oh, she’s doing great.” She threw me a look. “Cynthia, I don’t want you to panic, but she had a little setback.
“Small. But yes, a breakdown.
“Four days.
“No, she didn’t go to the hospital.
“But—
“Yes, she saw a doctor.
“Cynthia, lis—
“Cynthia! Listen to me. She’s okay. No, you don’t need to come. She’s doing much better now. It was last week and the doctor has seen her. She’s doing fine now,” she repeated.
At that point I drifted back to my room. I had heard all I wanted to hear. Obviously my mother was going to try to convince Aunty Jillian to send me back to Trinidad. I hoped Jillian would stand up to her.
Minutes or hours could have gone by as I thought of how I’d have to leave Edmonton and everyone and everything in it. I was lying on my back, staring up at the plain white ceiling, when my aunt came in.
“Well, that was hard,” she announced. I didn’t reply. “Hey, sport.” She held my chin and turned my head to look at her.
“Am I going back?” It was all I wanted to know.
She looked surprised. “No! I told her you were fine, didn’t you hear me?”
I snorted. “As if she listens to anybody.”
“She listens to me. I’m her big sister, you know! I told her you were in good hands. Am I right or am I right?”
Reluctantly I smiled. “You’re right.”
“Scooch over,” she said, lying on the bed next to me and taking my icy hand.