But I can’t. So I look away instead, and the emotions quiet. Not gone. Just easier to ignore.
“What do you think of Paz’s costume for ‘Spanish Rose’?” Mark asks, not noticing the little war that was just fought inside me. “I feel like we should make it more Afro-Brazilian, but I don’t know what that is, honestly.”
“Ask Paz,” I say. “She’ll know.”
“You do it,” Mark says. “And then get Charity to do adjustments, if needed. I trust you.”
“Thanks.” I smile, but I feel Hudson’s eyes on my back and it’s like everything else is quiet because of that. I smile and laugh through lunch, but it’s all just acting again.
I talk to Paz about her costuming during lunch and take her suggestions to Charity during A&C. Charity, blissfully, does not give me the same pitying look the rest of the camp does. Instead, she wants to focus on the work, adding stripes of red-and-gold-patterned fabric and red feathers to Paz’s dress for the number.
After A&C, I go back to the drama cabin instead of going to sports. Technically, it’s not theater elective now, but everyone still comes and goes, doing optional dance rehearsals with Crystal, or blocking scenes with Mark. The second half of the summer is crunch time for the show, and everyone crams in as much rehearsal as they can to get it right. It’s good to feel like I have a purpose. Every moment I’m working on the costume with Charity or watching scenes with Mark, I forget about Hudson. There’s still a hollow part of me, a place that used to be filled with stars that I can feel like an ache, but I don’t notice it as much when I have so many other things to focus on. So many new stars to add, like Mark nodding with approval when I tell him about the changes to Paz’s costume, or Jordan saying, “Yes, I get that, I love that,” when I suggest they think of “A Lot of Livin’ to Do” as not just about going out and partying, but about going to the one queer club in this small town. It changes their whole performance, too, from a dance number to a real scene, and Mark squeezes my shoulder and says, “I am so smart for making you an AD.” Each moment like that is a star, and they start to fill me up.
When pool time comes around, Mark sends me out to go play in the water. “You need to relax after a long day,” he says to me, and to all the other campers who are backstage. “Go swim.”
Hopping into the pool, I realize how right he is, too. The water and sun feel amazing, and I don’t even mind Brad and George flirtatiously splashing each other, or Ashleigh and Paz standing shoulder to shoulder against the wall. I don’t even know where Hudson is anymore.
That’s a lie. He’s by the diving board. I don’t look.
Instead I try to relax. I sink under the water and let it surround me, let myself float in a little cocoon where the rest of the world is far-off splashes. When I pop back up, George splashes me and I splash him back and soon all of us are chasing each other around the pool trying to splash each other.
We stop when Janice blows her whistle at us and shakes her head. I laugh and swim back toward the side of the pool with George. Paz and Brad keep chasing each other, with less splashing, and Ashleigh goes over to Janice.
“Should we worry about that?” George asks, looking at Ashleigh, popping out of the water onto the side of the pool like a mermaid to talk to Janice.
“Nah,” I say. “She’s got Paz now, right?”
“That doesn’t mean the old crush is gone.”
“She hasn’t said anything about Janice in weeks.” As I say it, I look over at them. Ashleigh laughs at something.
“I don’t know, darling. This worries me.”
“They can be friends, maybe.”
“Like you and Hudson?”
“That’s different,” I say, my voice a little too quick and flat. “They’re not exes. It’s just a former crush.”
“Former might be overstating it,” George says as Ashleigh swims over to us.
“She hooked up with a girl,” Ashleigh says in an excited whisper when she’s next to us.
“What?” George asks, his voice monotone. He looks at me like I should have known better.
“Janice. She went to some party this weekend and she ended up making out with a girl, and she says it was cool! She might be bi!”
“Might?” I ask.
“Heteroflexible, three-beer queer,” George says, “whatever. But none of them are relationship material, darling.”
“Why not?” Ashleigh asks. “We click so well, and now she might want to make out a little, like I’ve always wanted. I should tell her, right? I should ask her to hang around when she’s off duty and we can go somewhere private.”
George and I exchange a worried look. “First,” I say, “that would get her fired.”
“How do you know that?” Ashleigh asks. “She’s a lifeguard, not a counselor.”
“Darling, don’t you have Paz now?”
Ashleigh sighs and looks at her reflection in the water. “I like Paz. I do. Enough that I’ve been getting a little … friendlier with her.”
“We know,” George says with a smirk.
Ashleigh glares at him. “And she’s pretty. And funny, and really smart. But Janice is …” She looks behind her at Janice. “She’s the dream.”
“But she’s a real person, too,” I say. “And when you meet one, the other goes away.”
“Just because you and Hudson didn’t work out—” Ashleigh starts, and I shake my head so violently, she stops.
“Yes,” I say after a moment. “That’s part of it. But, sweetie, I’m just saying. You don’t know how it could go. You could give up Paz for her, and lose them both. That’s what happened to me, with the musical, kind of. Do you want to risk that?”
“You did,” Ashleigh says. “Wouldn’t you do it again?”
I sigh.
“It’s not the same,” George says. “She will reject you, Ashleigh. She has to keep her job. And then you’ll be awkward together. Just … keep being friends. And see where it is when she’s not a lifeguard anymore. If you and Paz aren’t together, I mean.”
Ashleigh sighs. “I just …”
“I get it,” I say. “She seems in reach. But George is right. You can’t force it. You can wait a week and a half to talk to her about this, right?”
“But then she’ll be here and I’ll be back in Boston.”
“Not so far, really,” George says.
“Yeah, okay.” She nods, looking sad. “And I shouldn’t do that to Paz anyway. I should see where it goes. And she’s a great kisser. I bet she’s good with her mouth other places, too ….” She smirks as George and I roll our eyes. “But I am going to invite Janice to the show.”
“Oh yes.” I nod. “Do that for sure.”
Ashleigh takes off, swimming back to Janice. Across the pool, I see Paz watching, too. I frown a little in sympathy.
“You know, just because Hudson wasn’t what you thought he’d be doesn’t mean you can’t have a dream guy,” George says.