They were silent and tense on the drive back to their apartment building, while I gripped the steering wheel way too hard and breathed through my stupid fucking emotions.
By the time I dropped them off, I’d calmed down enough to apologize. They both forgave me immediately and even asked if I was OK. Because that was the kind of people they were.
Why couldn’t I be more like Turner? Calm, happy, steady.
Why couldn’t I be interested in a girl like Mena? Nice, sweet, low drama.
No, I had to find the biggest bitch in town with the biggest fucking secret and make it my mission to get all up in her life.
I was seeing something in Donna I knew was inside me too. That twisting, writhing darkness had ruined my life, along with several others. I didn’t want a single other person to go through what I went through. To go through what I put those people through. Even if that person was treating me like dirt on her shoe.
Still, there was only so much I could take. If Donna wanted to ruin her life, who was I to stop her?
After that party I took a long hard look in the mirror, realized I didn’t need her rich brat problems, and redoubled my efforts to steer clear. For the next few weeks until Christmas break, I went to school, kept my head down, avoided her in the halls, and ate my lunch off campus or in my car. The only person my age I spoke to was Turner.
My phone buzzed on the coffee table, and I picked it up as I took a sip of eggnog. Who the hell invented this crap? And why was I still drinking it? I made a face and put the cup down, then froze as I read the message.
We won’t be able to make it to Devilbend for Christmas. Your father has had a work situation come up, and I really must oversee the Christmas Eve charity ball. Have a safe holiday with your aunt. Kisses, Mom.
I gripped my phone so fucking hard the screen actually cracked, the line through the glass cutting through my mother’s indifferent words. I stared at the message until the screen went black. Then I shot to my feet and stormed out the door, slamming it behind me, ignoring the things my aunt and Robbie were calling after me.
I wanted to hit someone, feel bone crunch under my knuckles. I wanted to drink an entire bottle of something expensive and let the alcohol obliterate everything. I wanted to find a chick and bury myself in her so deep this feeling would just melt away.
A flash of short blonde hair and mismatched eyes mixed with that last image, and suddenly I was thinking about fucking Donna. I growled and sped up.
I wanted to do a lot of things I used to do—things I’d vowed never to do again. Instead I walked. Even in my T-shirt and jeans, I didn’t feel the cold, hardly noticed when it started raining lightly.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but I didn’t go back until I was calm, my breathing even, the urge to do reckless, destructive shit gone.
As I walked back inside, I checked the front door for damage. Thankfully it was fine. When I popped my head in the kitchen, both Aunt Hannah and Robbie had already gotten to their feet and were on their way to the front of the house.
“Hendrix—”
“Hey, guys.” I cut my aunt off. “I’m really sorry about before. I’m just gonna grab a shower.”
I rushed up the stairs before they could answer.
After showering and getting dressed, I checked the time. It was after nine. I’d been out stalking the neighborhood for over three hours. I’d missed dinner. They had to be mad at me. I’d have to apologize again—do it better. I couldn’t handle it if Aunt Hannah kicked me out.
A knock sounded at the door, followed by my aunt’s soft voice. “Hendrix?”
“Come in,” I called, straightening my sheets and kicking some dirty clothes under the bed. I really needed to make more of an effort to keep my room clean.
“Hey.” She plopped onto the bed. “I got a message from your father.”
I sank down next to her, hanging my head. What was there to say?
“I’m sorry, honey.” Her warm hand rubbed my shoulder.
I frowned at her. “You’re not mad?”
She sat up a little straighter. “That your parents are dicks? Yeah, I’m pretty fucking mad about that. But how’s that your fault? Not mad at you.”
“I’m sorry about storming out.” I still felt the need to apologize. “And I’ll clean my room. And I’ll do more around the house.”
“Hendrix. Stop. You were upset. You went for a walk. I’m actually proud of you.”
“Proud of me?” What the fuck was this feeling in my chest? It felt as if it were about to bust open, spilling blood and guts everywhere, but . . . in a good way?
“What would you have done a year ago? To deal with something that upset you?”
The booze and drugs, the horrific violence, the depraved sex. I cringed.
“Exactly!” She laughed. “You did good, kid. And I don’t need a housekeeper.” She waved her hand. “Just stick to what we already discussed—good grades, no trouble—and we’re sweet. I’m not going to kick you out for not making your bed.”
Fuck. There it went again—blood and guts everywhere. Why were my eyes stinging? Oh my fucking god! I was about to cry. I cleared my throat and pushed that shit down. Maybe I needed to go for another walk.
“So, your father said something about a work thing coming up?”
I dragged my hand down my face. “Yeah, that’s what my mom said too. But it’s bullshit. There’s always a work thing, always a charity. It’s just an excuse.”
I hadn’t seen my parents since they’d shipped me off to Devilbend, and we hadn’t spoken in that entire time either. Most of my messages had gone completely ignored. It was OK—I knew I deserved it for what I’d done. But I’d been on my best fucking behavior. My grades were the best they’d ever been. I wasn’t expecting miracles, but some part of me had been looking forward to seeing them for Christmas, away from the pressures of their lives in New York. I hadn’t realized how big that part was until I got my mother’s text message.
Her excuse was almost certainly a copy/paste from some other message she’d sent to get out of another commitment. I didn’t even warrant a genuine explanation, let alone a phone call.
What had I expected? It wasn’t as though my parents had given a shit about me before—why would they start now?
I hated myself a little for still craving their approval, their attention.
If I was really honest, that’s what had gotten me into this mess in the first place.
“All right, let’s hug it out.” Hannah got to her feet and waved her hands at me to get up. “I think we’ve worked up to it.”
I stood and reached for her, but she sidestepped me and jumped onto my bed. I gave her a withering look but couldn’t help the laughter bubbling up.
“Height advantage.” She held her arms out, and I gave her a hug, fighting chuckles the whole time. Despite being so small, she had a strong grip, and after the first-hug weirdness wore off, it was actually pretty damn comforting.
Like a champ, she didn’t hang around and make it awkward after.
“We’ll have a great Christmas, I promise. Even if it’s just the three of us,” she said as she jumped off my bed and left me alone in my room.
My phone went off, reminding me I’d need to get the screen fixed. It was another text from a person I hadn’t spoken to since leaving New York.