It isn’t long before I feel him suddenly stiffen. He cries out once and shudders. Tears sting my eyes again. Finny lets out a long breath and begins to shift away. I whimper only when I feel him moving out of me.
“Autumn?” he says. He looks down at my face.
“I love you too,” I say. “I forgot to tell you.” The tears spill over now, and Finny begins to kiss my eyelids and my forehead again and again.
“It’s okay. Don’t cry,” he says. His words rush together and blend with his kisses. He kisses my cheeks and my tears. “Don’t cry,” he says. “It’s okay.”
“Will you hold me?” I ask. He rolls off me and holds out his arms. I wipe my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder. His arms fold around me and he presses me close.
“Like this?” he says.
“Yeah,” I say. We’re quiet as our breathing slows to normal. I watch the light get brighter in the room. There are more birds singing now, a whole chorus.
“I can’t believe that just happened,” Finny says. I almost laugh but somehow don’t. A strange feeling is beginning to fill me now.
“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” I ask.
“Of course I did,” he says.
“You weren’t just saying that because it’s what the guy’s supposed to say?” He doesn’t answer me after that, and my stomach drops. Finny lets go of me and sits up on one elbow. My breathing halts.
“Come on, Autumn,” he says. He makes a sound that isn’t quite a laugh. “I know that you know I’ve been in love with you for forever. You don’t have to pretend.”
“What?” I say. He rolls his eyes.
“It’s okay,” Finny says. “I’ve always known that you knew.” I sit up on my elbows too, pulling the sheet up to cover me, and look back at him. We frown at each other. I try to make myself understand what he’s saying.
“What do you mean by ‘forever’?” I say.
“You know. Forever. Since we were, like, what? Eleven?” he asks.
“Fifth grade? The year you punched Donnie Banks?”
“Yeah, you remember what Donnie Banks said.”
“He called me a freak.”
“He said, ‘Your girlfriend is a freak,’” Finny says. “And he knew that you didn’t want to be my girlfriend. And that I did.”
“You liked me like that back then?” I say.
Finny looks like he finally understands what I’m saying. He sits up all the way.
“But isn’t that why you stopped hanging out with me in middle school?” he says. “Because you got tired of me wanting to be more than just friends?”
“No,” I say. “I had no idea you wanted anything like that.”
“But after I kissed you, you knew,” he says.
“No. I didn’t know why you’d kissed me and it freaked me out. I thought maybe you were experimenting on me.” Finny looks at me again. His mouth is slightly open, his eyes hinting at a frown.
“But this doesn’t make any sense,” he says. “If you didn’t know, then why did you leave me?”
Now it’s my turn to look away from him.
“It just felt so nice not to be the weird girl anymore. I liked being popular. We did kinda grow apart that year. I’m not saying it’s not my fault. I’m just saying I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“You really didn’t know?” Finny asks.
“No,” I say. “I really, really didn’t.”
Finny flops back down on the bed. He stares at the ceiling.
“And all these years I was terrified that you could tell I still…you know.”
“Still what?” I ask.
“Still wanted you.”
“Really?” I say. He doesn’t answer me. He just stares at the ceiling with an expression that looks as confused as I feel. “What about Sylvie?” My voice has a hint of accusation in it, but I can’t help it. Finny surprises me by laughing bitterly.
“The only reason I started hanging out with the cheerleaders after soccer practice was because I thought they were still your friends. I thought that maybe I’d have a chance with you then, that maybe I’d be cool enough for you to see me like that. Then when the first day of high school came, you didn’t even say hi to me at the bus stop. And I found out that not only were you not their friend anymore, but you hated them. And then you started going out with Jamie, and Alexis was asking me why I was leading Sylvie on and I didn’t even know what she was talking about—” His voice trails off and he is quiet again. I’m too shocked to say anything this time. He’s still staring at the ceiling. I’m starting to feel cold without his arms around my shoulders. “Don’t think that I never cared about Sylvie, because I did,” Finny finally says. “She’s not really like what you think. And she needed me to take care of her when you didn’t anymore. I loved her, but I loved her differently from the way I’ve always loved you.”
“Oh, Finny,” I say. My voice is quiet, and I can’t find the words to say anything else. After a moment, he turns his face toward me but he does not meet my eyes.
“You said—you said that you loved me too.” He’s blushing, and I feel like I might faint.
“Yeah,” I say. “I do.” My voice is barely above a whisper and I cannot hide its tremble.
“Since when?” His voice matches my own.
“I dunno,” I say. “Maybe since forever too, but I didn’t admit it until two years ago.” He raises his eyes to mine and I collapse back down on the bed. He wraps his arms around me again and I curl into him. Finny hugs me so tightly that it almost hurts, and then I feel his whole body relax. I close my eyes and sigh. It’s so strange; it’s such a revelation, this feeling of skin to skin all the way down my body. I reach one hand out and try to find his heart. He lays his other hand on top on mine and strokes my knuckles with his thumb.
“So,” Finny says, but doesn’t continue.
“What?” I say.
“It’s you and me now, right?”
“Phineas Smith, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” I can’t help giggling.
“Well, yeah.” He shifts underneath me. “Is that weird?”
“Only because it feels like we’re already so much more than that.”
He relaxes again. “Yeah, I know. But it’ll have to do for now.”