I didn’t have all the answers, but stopping the Red Court was about more than just my sister or anyone else they’d ever broken in one way or another. It was about stopping the cycle of hurt. It was about crushing the wheel to keep it from turning another person into Matthew—a mess of anguish.
I was so stupid for thinking I could be the Queen of Hearts and make the Red Court into something better. The ends didn’t justify the means when it meant hurting people. It was time for it all to stop.
CHAPTER 37
THE TRACK BENEATH my shoes was cold and damp, giving it about as much spring as a concrete block. On any other day, this might have bothered me. But right now, I could have been running on lava rocks and it wouldn’t have mattered.
Chase was supposed to join me after he met with his lab partner to go over their last assignment. There was so much to mentally unpack; I needed space to sort through my thoughts in private. As my legs found their rhythm, I let my mind wander through the day’s hellscape.
Flashes of Gideon dominated my vision, and I pushed my pace. Thoughts of Chase’s smile came next, and guilt followed knowing I wasn’t who he thought I was. I pushed harder. The hunch of Gigi’s shoulders came at me next, and shame chased me like my own personal demon.
Though I was all-out sprinting at an unsustainable pace, my breath coming in ragged gasps, I didn’t stop. I kept pushing for more, digging down deeper for the drive to go harder. I was determined to push through it all until there was nothing left to purge.
My stomach gave out before my legs and I dropped to my knees, vomiting what was left of my lunch into the grass next to the track. Shaking, I stood and stumbled to my water bottle on the bleachers. The freezing aluminum greeted me with a clang when I collapsed onto the metal bench.
A few tentative sips of water left me cringing as the cold liquid hit my stomach. Out of habit, I reached for my journal in my bag, wanting to get my feelings off my chest and onto a page, but threw it back down. There wasn’t anything to say. My breathing was nearly back to normal when I saw Chase’s familiar silhouette making its way down the hill from the parking lot to the track.
“Hi,” he said when he got close enough to speak instead of shout.
“Hey.”
His easy smile made my own flimsy one feel false. Chase set his water and keys next to me and shook out his arms, then lifted them overhead, revealing a sliver of his sculpted stomach.
“Looks like you’ve been at it pretty hard.” His eyes skimmed my flushed cheeks and the sweat clinging to my hairline.
“I have a lot on my mind and running helps me think.”
“Now I know your secret to being the best. Better watch out.”
Chase’s laid-back manner coupled with the word secret cut through my haze to the parts of myself I was trying to hide.
“Good luck. No one else seems to be able to keep up.”
Confusion crossed Chase’s face. “Did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean anything by it. I admire your work ethic.” He’d elevated me onto some pedestal I was bound to topple from. “I’ve never met anyone as focused as you are. I know I could learn a thing or two.”
I scrubbed my hands over my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m terrible company right now.”
He continued loosening his muscles. “Well, let’s get to work and fix that. I’m here to learn from the master. Show me what you got.”
It was impossible for me not to smile. Chase was like a walking ray of sunshine to my permanently cloudy day.
“Actually, would it be ok if you led the way today?”
Chase’s surprised expression highlighted a thin scar running through his right eyebrow. It was a small imperfection of his otherwise flawless features. My hand itched to reach out and smooth my fingertips across the raised skin.
“We can do that. Why don’t you take a lap with me to warm up and then we might do some sprints I’ve been working on.”
I pushed myself up from the bench, my wobbly muscles feeling like Jell-O left to warm in the sun too long. Chase set an easy pace as we made our way around the track in companionable silence. If only everything were as easy as jogging next to the boy who made my heart stutter.
“Hey, aren’t you friends with Gigi Martin? Have you talked to her?”
“I saw her after school. She’s not coming back until things cool down.”
“God, I can’t imagine what that’s like. If you talk to her again, and there’s anything I could do to help, let me know. I feel so bad for her.”
“Yeah, I will.”
Chase didn’t know Gigi at all. But he was the sort of person who could feel empathy for someone he didn’t know. He was the kind of person to help a girl he previously hated when she was having a fake crisis in front of him. How could he have more room to care for anyone else? Caring for another person seemed to take up physical space inside me; there was only so much I could take on, only so many people I could truly care about.
“I overheard some people saying that it was the Red Court that did it.”
This conversation could not be headed in a more dangerous direction. The truth of who I was pressed down on me, fracturing my foundation.
“Could you imagine what kind of messed-up monster you’d have to be to destroy people like that? To enjoy it?”
My arms and legs felt leaden with the weight of my secret. Living so much of my life in secret was exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to be transparent with Chase. He deserved that, and I didn’t want to lie anymore. Not after what happened with Gideon and Gigi.
I looked at him, committing his face, and the way he looked at me, to memory. “I’m part of the Red Court.”
“You’re what?” Chase’s expression hadn’t changed at all, like he was positive he’d misheard me.
The only thing worse than admitting something terrible about yourself was having to repeat it. I stopped, pooling my courage for a second shot at the truth. “I am part of the Red Court. I have been since the moment we ran into each other in the hall and I told you about my sister.”
“That’s not possible. How could you be one of them?” Incredulity was working its way into his words.
“Because I chose to join.” The simplicity of the explanation belied the twisted reason behind it, but it was the easiest truth. No one forced me to do any of this. I chose it and continued to choose it.
I could almost see his faith in me slowly unraveling; I expected to find the remains of it—the tattered scraps of what Chase felt for me—spooled around my running shoes.
“But you’re not like them.”