I would like a fortress.
“I get it, Ali. I get how it feels to want to disappear,” he says. “I’ll talk to Sammi.”
I reach out and hug him, which I know surprises him. But I hold him tight because I’m going to cry so hard if I let go. And then I feel his hands across my back hugging me too. My chest up against his. His breath in my ear. I don’t want to let go. I want to rest my head in the crook of his neck and be closer to him. There’s a buzz all inside me warming my body, and it surprises me. So I pull back to stare at him. That fuzz around his mouth. That hair drooping in his face. Wonder if he’s feeling that buzz too.
18
BLYTHE
It’s not like people notice when we’re standing there together, me and Sean. They don’t think, “Oh, those two are in love.” There’s no conversation when we’re huddled together because the three of us—me, Sean, and Dev—are always together. But today it feels like I’m hiding something. It’s the way he needs me and how he confides in me about Ali. It feels like I’m keeping something from Dev. And maybe I am.
“So what did Ali say when you were at her house?” Sean says. “You had some enlightening conversation with her.”
“She showed me a collage book of you.” I feel awful right when it comes out. God. Why did I say that?
“A what?”
“I mean, it’s sweet, Sean. It’s not something to make fun of.”
“What kind of collage book?”
“Pictures of you. You know? Hearts and daisies.”
He starts laughing, laughing so hard like it’s a joke. Except it’s not.
“It’s cute, Sean. It’s the kind of thing—”
“A stalker does. That’s what it is. The kind of thing a stalker does.”
“No, it’s the kind of thing an immature girl does. An inexperienced girl. Maybe it’s kind of normal actually.”
“How can you think that’s normal, B? She made a book of me? She collected photos of me? Hearts and fucking daisies? And I’m walking around feeling guilty?” he says. “So when I met her at the party she had a plan. She had a plan for us to be together—”
“Well, maybe the plan didn’t go the way she wanted, Sean.”
“Bullshit. She went up there with me. She took her fucking clothes off, and when I didn’t profess my love to her, she flipped out. That’s what happened. I didn’t call her the next day, is that what it was?”
I tell him to quiet down. He’s too animated. Too manic. “Sean, you don’t remember in the car after the party. What you said to me? That something happened?”
“Of course I remember. Like maybe I hurt her somehow.” He laughs, a grunt. “Except I didn’t hurt her, B. Don’t you see? She was a virgin. That’s why she—”
“I know. I get it.”
He’s talking about the blood. I don’t even want him to say it.
“Could I have been a little more caring? Sure. But I was wasted. It was a big night. And I was freaked out too. But, B. You have to believe me. It was mutual. She was infatuated with me or something, like you said. We both got caught up in it.”
I want to slump against the wall. I want to make this go away. How do I make this go away?
“Okay, if she was so infatuated with you, then you owe it to her, really owe it to her, to make sure it ends in a way that isn’t so devastating or heartbreaking or whatever.”
He takes my hand. “How do I do it, B? Tell me how.”
“You’re like a whirlwind sometimes, you know that, Sean? You just fly from one emotion to the next.”
He leans into my face, his breath so soft and sweet. People just don’t understand how complex he is. That’s all. They don’t get him. Suki. Donnie. Even Dev.
“There are so many things I want to say to you.”
My heart is pounding and my breath is so tight. Sean. Sean, who is like a brother to me. Sean, who is my boyfriend’s best friend. Sean, who I’ve known forever. He brushes his cheek against mine. Kisses me there. On my cheek. And I’m shaking.
I’m shaking?
I freeze.
“Sean.”
“Thanks for everything, B. Really.” His eyes slung low, shoulders down.
“Of course,” I say, my body still shivering. “Of course.”
* * *
* * *
Later, at Dev’s house. The three of us. Drinking beers outside on Dev’s back patio. Dev convinced his mother to give us a few beers now that first quarter exams are over. She lit the fire for us. I snuggle into Dev’s body. They’re telling jokes back and forth. I can’t even hear them. Over the fire, I fixate on Sean, all of it flowing through me. The warm fire. The beer. What it would be like, so close to him that way.
19
ALI
“If you had a list of guys to choose from, how would you list them?” Blythe says.
We’re in C-wing. Before the rest of the Core Four is here. Before they can ram their opinions down our throats, Blythe says.
“I’m on a guy hiatus.”
“I understand.”
“How do you understand? You’ve been going out with Devon for so long.”
“Dev’s not perfect,” she says, and edges herself between the ledge under the window and the wall. She stares off at the clouds or whatever imperfect thing on the planet that Blythe thinks she needs to add her magical wand to.
Dev. The way she says it. His name rolls off her tongue. Everything she says is so easy.
Blythe’s sunny highlights streak down her hair. It’s like you can see right through the strands. Transparent. That’s the word Sammi used.
“I’ve never seen Sean feel bad for something like this. And he and I are tight. Super-tight.” She does the three crossing fingers thing again. As if I forgot.
I lean into the bathroom wall, the door side. It squeaks, startling me. I don’t know what to say. Everything in my body clams up.
“He wants to make things up to you, Ali. So be open. I know you’re pissed—I’d be pissed if Dev and I had sex and then he never called me the next day. But you have to understand—Sean, well, he’s a player. There’s this surfer from Long Beach Island he’s been seeing for years. There’s this softball player from Morristown. There’s all his matches—the New Jersey State Champs. I mean. There are so many girls. Look at him. He’s a god. Do you know what I’m saying? I’d go out with Sean if he wasn’t such a player.”