“Well, unless I make it into National Geographic, I doubt Father will be finding out,” Aphrodite snapped. “He still hasn’t taken the smartphone I got him for Christmas out of the box.”
“What would happen if Dad found out?” I asked, grating a small mountain of cheese on to my pasta.
Aphrodite shrugged. “Oh, he’d just get his beige chinos into a twist over nothing. It’s just a bit of fun.”
I wondered if she really believed that was true.
*
At school the next day, I heard two Year 9s talking about Aphrodite’s latest video. I caught the phrases “Foam of the Sea”, “saw it on Instagram” and “old but gorgeous” (referring to Aphrodite I assume, hahahaha).
I guessed that Dad, working in a dusty university, wouldn’t clock on. If he did find out about Aphrodite’s fame, he’d have her packed off to Mount Olympus faster than you could say “tzatziki”.
I came home to find Dad was out for the night again (with Lisa, probably). Lucky for Aphrodite. She’d been fielding press requests all afternoon – something she couldn’t have done with Dad around.
She was in the kitchen with Eros, which seemed to have become her unofficial office (at least until Maria came back from the supermarket). I kicked off my boots and headed to the fridge for my usual snack of cereal.
“So that’s a column in HuffPo plus an interview with BBC Radio One tomorrow, and we’re just waiting for Saturday Morning Breakfast to confirm that you’ll be sharing top beauty tips on this weekend,” said Eros, scribbling notes.
Holy crap. Aphrodite was going to be on the telly?
“Perfect, darling. Thanks for being my little assistant!” Aphrodite said, kissing Eros on the cheek. She looked like the cat who got the cream.
“Wow. Was all this because of that one video?” I asked, crunching on my cereal.
“Well, that certainly kicked things off. I took advantage of the moment and spent all of last night creating new videos,” Aphrodite said. “As an influencer, fresh content is key.”
I forgot that, though they find the odd nap quite pleasant, the gods don’t actually need to sleep. Another somewhat unfair advantage Aphrodite had over her competitors, but I guess all is fair in love and cleansing.
“The most popular by far is my ‘Detox Your Skin in a Flash’ video,” she continued. I didn’t recall asking about her videos, but whatever. “It shows how to hide the usual teen skin complaints with make-up so it looks like you’ve spent three weeks in an Alpine spa retreat. Although not eating sugary snacks would help, too,” Aphrodite said, looking pointedly at my cereal. She’d never miss an opportunity to judge my diet choices.
If making her little videos (and not, say, making me her human guinea pig) kept Aphrodite busy then I was all for it. But I couldn’t help but wonder what Dad would have to say about the whole thing. If he was ever here.
NINETEEN
Dear Mum,
It’s official: my family have lost the plot.
Dad has one job, and that’s to make sure his offspring don’t reveal their immortal identity to the world. They keep a low profile, mind the rules and the Council lets them live their happy lives on earth. But that seems to be impossible.
Take Aphrodite. She seems hell-bent on making sure everyone knows how strong her powers are. Thanks to her hit YouTube channel, her Foam of the Sea wonder cream sold out in minutes and is set for global domination. Her make-up artist mates spread the word on Instagram, and now everyone with a face wants a tub.
I bet you’re wondering why I don’t tell Dad. It’s a complicated situation. If I snitch, Aphrodite will definitely tell him about the secret New Year’s Eve party I threw at the house when he wasn’t there. I won’t see the light of day until summer. So I have no choice but to put up with it and hope that Dad wakes up before things get out of control.
I don’t get why he isn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to this madness. He of all people should know how arrogant and self-obsessed the gods are. Why isn’t he keeping an eye on them?
You’d think Dad would care about getting called back to Mount Olympus. He’d have to break up with Lisa and I don’t know what would happen to me. Maybe he doesn’t care about that last bit. I feel like I haven’t seen him in months. I could have dropped out of school and run away to join the circus, for all he knows.
Dad definitely hasn’t been himself since Lisa made her appearance. I haven’t noticed him pottering about in his shed or fermenting any new vegetables lately. And he hasn’t so much as glanced at my homework in weeks. Weirdly, I kind of miss our Sunday afternoon tutoring time together.
He should at least be around to keep Aphrodite in check. Especially at the rate her fame is growing. There’s something off about this whole thing.
There is one tiny bonus to having an absent father. At least he won’t be here to give me grief about my date this Saturday. That’s right, Mum. I have a date! With the guy I met on New Year’s Eve. I think he’s sixteen, but you don’t need to worry about him being older. I get the feeling he’s a complete gentleman.
I’m sad you won’t get to meet him. But I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
Love for ever,
Helen xxx
TWENTY
I spent Friday night (just one day to go until my date – eeeek!) at Daphne’s sleepover. That night, Noor and Daphne wanted to watch this new reality TV show called House of Stars. It’s like a cross between a musical talent show full of wannabes and Big Brother.
It was good fun, and the presenter was hot. They had the usual ratio of totally gorgeous, kooky and extremely fame-hungry people queuing up to join the show. I started to zone out, thinking about what I was going to wear on Saturday, when Daphne’s voice broke into my thoughts.
“Helen, isn’t that your brother?”
I froze. Because she was right. There, in skinny jeans and a buttoned-up pale pink shirt, was my half-brother Apollo.
“Oh, I recognize him,” Noor said. “He played that awesome set at your party. I didn’t realize you were related!” Apollo, with his shock of floppy blond hair, didn’t look a thing like me.
“Why didn’t you tell us he was going to be on telly?!” shrieked Yasmin.
“I had no idea!” And it was totally true. Apollo must have kept this a secret from everyone. Aphrodite’s endless publicity for Foam of the Sea was one thing, but playing in a prime-time TV talent contest? That had to be breaking the rules. No wonder Apollo wasn’t blaring this news from the rooftops.
“Shhh, they’re going to interview him!” Daphne said.
“So DJ Sunny,” the presenter began, although you could barely hear him over the screams from the audience. “The ladies certainly love you. How are you feeling?”
Apollo smiled, and the applause went even wilder. If he had this effect on all female viewers, then he would be a shoo-in to win.
“I’m feeling good, Jamie.” Another cocky smile and yet more applause.
“DJ Sunny, I see you’ve brought your guitar with you. What do you think will set you apart from the other contestants?”
“I’m one of those rare artists, right? Not only am I a producer and a DJ, but I also write my own songs from start to finish. Lyrics, melody, everything. Authenticity is, like, everything to me.”