Theo, who I was taking a brief underwater break from thinking about. Never mind the underwater butterflies. What does he want to talk about? His eyes had looked so serious when he’d said that. The thought sent goose bumps rippling down my body.
As usual, thinking about him threw me off.
I rolled downward again, my eyes focused into the space where my father had gone. His light winking in the darkness, a reassuring firefly letting me know that everything was fine. Better than fine. I dove a little deeper, letting the water carry me, support me in this moment. I was in Santorini with my father. We were looking for Atlantis. Things weren’t just fine. They were good.
That was the last thought I had before, just like in my dreams, the ocean went dark.
For a moment I froze, my body instinctively coiling into a ball, my heart racing as my mind caught up. The diving light. The ocean hadn’t gone dark. It just wasn’t lit up by the boat anymore. Vasilios had just turned off the diving light, or maybe it had turned off on its own. But without it, the water suddenly seemed so much hazier than before. I adjusted my mask, squinting. The water looked and felt thicker, like driving through fog. Was it really just the diving light? Or had something shifted? Was my dad’s visibility okay?
I scanned the floor below me, looking for my dad’s light, but… nothing. Where had I seen him last? I spun, looking one direction, then the other, my concern steadily ticking upward. He wouldn’t have turned his light off, would he?
Where is he? Even as I tried to talk myself out of it, a horrible panic gripped my chest. Everything below me was so dark. Too dark. What would possibly have caused him to turn off his light, especially when the water was thickening with each passing second?
Maybe I should look for him. Or go for help? But all my spinning had left me disoriented, water sloshing in my mask, and when I looked up, I had one crystalized thought. Where did the boat go?
That’s when I lost control. I was flailing. Spinning. Panic lit me up in the darkness. My body couldn’t stop moving; I didn’t know where to go. Which way is up? Bubbles. I was supposed to watch for the direction that the bubbles went, but I couldn’t see anything and I couldn’t slow my mind down enough to look for them. My wet suit was too tight around my neck. It was constricting me, squeezing me. My head was so fuzzy I couldn’t think. I could only feel.
Where was my dad? I’d lost my dad. Where was the boat?
I had to get out. Get up. But the surface was so far, I was flailing, struggling, sobbing behind my mask. Then my regulator was out. I inhaled salt water, my hands desperately trying to find the mouthpiece, but I ripped through empty water. Every moment of this trip, every moment of my life, had led to this. Me drowning, within swimming distance of Atlantis. Within swimming distance of my father. I tried to scream, but it was no use.
I closed my eyes and let the ocean swallow me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
#23. PACK OF MARLBORO SMOOTH CIGARETTES
I know cigarettes are sticks of death and do all kinds of horrible things to your lungs and kill unicorns and all that, but I really, really love the smell of Marlboro Smooths. Right after my mom and I moved to Seattle—which felt like an entire lifetime after my dad had left—we were walking down Pike Street when someone walked by smoking one. Instantly, I was transported to our tiny Chicago apartment, and it made my heart hurt so much that I had to stop to catch my breath.
Dad had been working at a bar that summer, and most nights he didn’t get home until one or two a.m. My mom put me to bed at nine, but every night I’d lie awake until the front door opened and I smelled his cigarette smoke wafting in from the patio. That was when I could finally fall asleep.
It took so little to feel safe then.
OLIVE. OLIVE.
My head hurt so much it felt like it was being squeezed through a sieve. Where was I? Why did my chest feel so heavy?
OLIVE.
I opened my eyes. I was lying on the bottom of the boat. Theo was crouched over me, shirtless, his hair dripping with water, his face panicked. I sat up, and what felt like a vat of salt water came up out of my stomach, and I was throwing up all over the inside of the boat, my body heaving. I couldn’t breathe.
“Get this off me! Get it off!” I yelled, struggling with my wet suit. I fought against Theo, my head too confused. Was he helping me? Harming me? “Where’s my dad? Theo, where’s my dad?”
“Olive, look at me!” Theo grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Breathe, okay. Olive, just breathe. I think you had a panic attack. The boat’s dive light reset, and then part of your suit came up. I dove in. Olive, you’re okay, okay? You’re okay now.” Tears were welling up in his eyes, making the edges of his eyelashes sparkle. “I didn’t know if you were going to wake up. But now I need to talk to you about your dad, okay? Because we need to decide what to do. Did you two get separated?”
I shook my head, fighting through the fog in my brain. Separated? We hadn’t been together, had we? Vasilios was crouched down next to me too, speaking rapidly into his phone. Finally, it came back to me. “He went down without me. He wanted me to stay by the boat, and he’d signal me if he wanted me to come down.”
“What?” The sharpness in Theo’s voice made my heart leap into my throat. “What do you mean? I thought you two were going to stay together.”
I shook my head. “Before I dove, he told me to stay by the boat. Didn’t you hear that?”
Theo’s expression shifted. He looked so panicked that it set my heart on fire. “Theo, what? What’s wrong?”
“Olive, he shouldn’t be down there. He shouldn’t be diving at all. He’s had some health issues. His kidneys…” He exhaled, his eyes locked on mine. “That’s why my mom didn’t want him to dive. He’s in kidney failure.”
“Kidney failure?” Instantly I was on my knees, trying to stand, but black dots appeared in front of me, sending me tilting, and Theo quickly grabbed my shoulders, gently pressing me back down to sitting. “What are you talking about?” I demanded.
“That’s why he’s been going to the mainland so much. Earlier this summer he got set up to do dialysis at home with my mom so he could be ready for when you got here. It’s been okay, but this week his numbers were bad. He had to keep going into the clinic. He made me promise not to tell you. I didn’t know how serious it was until last night, and now…”
My shoulders were shaking violently. “Theo, his light went out.”
Theo’s face snapped to attention. “It went out? Or you lost sight of it?”
They’ve been lying to me. All of them. Even Theo. The weight of it hit me with almost as much force as the panic I felt over my dad’s scuba light disappearing. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I yelled, shoving myself backward. If my dad was that sick and something went wrong… “Theo, I have to go back in there. I have to make sure he’s okay.”
“Olive, you can’t,” Theo said, his eyes wide. “Do you really think you could stay calm enough to go look? What if it happens again? Kalamata, you’re shaking.”
He was right. I didn’t want him to be right, but he was right. I was shaking so hard I could barely form words. Vasilios said something in Greek, and Theo quickly translated. “The water ambulance is on its way. Just in case. I’m sure he’s fine, but…” Theo reached out like he wanted to touch me, and I flinched, adrenaline kicking me backward.