He was still carding his fingers through my hair, and Raph was rubbing my back.
I blinked as I remembered hearing cursing when I was still coming out of my nightmare, and I cringed. “Shit, did I punch one of you?”
Izzy snorted, and Raph said, “It’s alright, baby.” He kissed my hair. “You’ve got a mean right hook, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“Oh god. I’m so sorry, Raph.” I sat up and turned to meet his eyes over my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know it was you, and I—”
He cut me off with a finger to my lips. “It’s really alright. No big deal.”
“It is a big—”
“Nope. It’s not. You were dreaming, and I should know better than to approach someone having a nightmare like that.” There seemed to be more meaning behind that, but I didn’t question it right then.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He brushed his knuckles along my cheek, kissed my temple, then rested his forehead against mine. “You’re okay, baby. Don’t even worry about it.”
I breathed out some of my tension and leaned more fully onto him. Isiah started to pull away, but I tightened my grip on his shirt and pulled him back so he wouldn’t leave me—when had I grabbed his shirt?—and luckily, he stayed where he was.
Slowly, I calmed and released Izzy’s shirt, then I realized what I’d done, and who I’d done it to, and my cheeks flared. I turned into Raph, buried my face in his neck, and muttered, “I’m sorry, Izzy.”
“It’s alright, treasure.” He shifted on the bed, and I felt him kiss the top of my head before I heard him smack a kiss on Raph. I squinted one eye open to see that he’d kissed Raph’s forehead before he said, “I’m going to start on breakfast. I’ll bring it up when I’m finished, unless you’d rather come down?”
“I’ll let you know where we want to eat,” Raph said. “Thanks, Iz.”
“Anytime. Yell down if you need me.” He touched my hair so lightly I almost didn’t feel it, and then he was out the door and I was left alone with Raph.
I’d practically crawled into his lap, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he gathered me in further and held me tighter. It took me a moment to realize he was trembling. Untangling myself some, I cupped his cheeks and forced him to look at me. The heartbreak on his face made me gasp.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed. “I didn’t… I don’t…” He shook his head and took a breath. “I was so scared. Laz, I was so terrified when we couldn’t find you. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. If I hadn’t left you that morning—”
“Hey, no. None of that. Are you kidding me? Like you could’ve predicted what was going to happen. It wasn’t your fault, Raphael. It wasn’t.”
He shook his head. “But that warlock, he’s—”
“You can’t control another person’s actions. You’re not responsible for something that crazy, evil man did. That’s not on you, Raph. It’s not on you.”
He searched my eyes for a minute, then blew out a long breath and asked in a tiny voice that didn’t suit him at all, “You’re not mad at me?”
“You saved my life. Why would I be mad at you?”
His eyes closed a moment before he pulled me back into a tight embrace that I easily returned. “I was afraid you’d hate me for leaving you that morning, for taking so long to find you. I… I, fuck, Lazarus, I came as soon as we knew where you were, I swear. We didn’t know where you were, but we didn’t stop searching, we had everyone we know looking, and… I swear we tried to get to you sooner. I swear—”
“Raph.” My voice cracked as I cut him off, and I cleared my sore throat. “I know you did. I know you came as soon as you could.” Even if after so many hours alone in that dark room, and so many hours alone with a maniac whispering in my ear, I hadn’t thought anyone would come. Being away from there, I realized how stupid that had been. Of course, he’d come for me, of course they both had. That man, Dallan, had poisoned my blood, but he’d poisoned my mind, too. Hopefully the longer I was away from him, the more I’d realize how untrue his words had been.
Raph cried into my neck, and I felt terrible and guilty. The entire time I’d been with that man, I hadn’t had faith in Raph’s feelings for me, but here he was, after saving my life, crying because he’d been scared. In some strange way, him crying filled me with warmth—knowing he truly did care, and knowing he trusted me enough to show me his vulnerable side since Raphael Bloodgood didn’t do vulnerable—but at the same time, I felt awful because I didn’t want him to be in pain. I didn’t want him to be sad or hurt.
“I’m right here, big guy,” I whispered.
He nodded against me and held on until his body stopped trembling, and then he whispered, “I want you to stay here, but I understand if you want to go home.” I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped me, and Raph noticed, rubbing my chest in comfort. “Shh. It’s okay. Let me finish. I’d prefer if you stayed here with me, but if you want to stay in your home, just know that Iz and I are staying with you.”
Closing my eyes, I took a deep inhale and pushed the panic aside, instead, latching on to something light. “So you’re not even asking me? You’re telling me, huh?”
“Yes. You’re not going to be left alone, not as long as—”
“I don’t want to be alone anyway.” I cut him off, not wanting him to finish that sentence, and also wanting to offer him that truth. “I want to be here, and I want you to stay with me,” I whispered.
He leaned back but held me close, and his red-rimmed eyes met my own. “I won’t leave you, okay?”
My eyes pricked, but I nodded. “Okay.”
He stared at me for a few beats. “Do you want me to explain why Dallan—”
“He thinks you killed his wife,” I blurted, then flinched when I saw the expression on his face. “He said as much to me.” My voice was barely above a whisper. “But I’m sure you didn’t. Or if you did, she was evil and you had no choice.”
“She wasn’t evil,” he said, his voice hard. “And I didn’t kill her. Dallan is—”
“Raph.” I cut him off, shaking my head. “I-I can’t think about him right now.”
Raph closed his eyes, blew out a calming breath, then opened them to stare at me. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m alright.”
He gently rubbed my cheek with his thumb. “Let me know when you want to know more, okay?”
“Yeah.”
He hesitated, then whispered, “Can I kiss you?”
“Since when do you ever ask?”
A small smile graced his lips before he pressed them to mine. It was only a simple brush of lips to lips, but it was intimate, perhaps more than any other kiss we’d shared yet, and filled with emotions we hadn’t spoken yet.
When he pulled back, he closed his eyes, buried his hand in my hair, and pressed our foreheads together. And just breathed. Together.