“Yeah,” Hudson said solemnly. “I noticed that you’d slowed down on the dating, but I wasn’t quite sure why. What happened to the brother who used to tell me that loving someone was a choice?”
Love? Am I in love with Harlow?
I didn’t have to ask myself that question again. I knew the answer.
“Christ! Those words are coming back to haunt me,” I said. “I can’t turn off the way I feel about Harlow, and I can’t choose not to feel this way. I was a dumbass when I said that.”
“Not really,” Hudson defended. “It’s not like we had very good examples of what a great relationship was like when we were younger. I was totally unprepared when I met Taylor. How in the hell were we supposed to know that meeting the right woman would turn our whole world upside down?”
“I didn’t,” I said flatly. “I can’t fuck this up, Hudson, but I don’t know how to deal with a woman who really gives a damn about me. Harlow isn’t impressed by the Montgomery name, or the fact that I’m a billionaire who could give her every damn material thing her heart desires. She sees me, and honestly, as much as I’ve always wanted that to happen, now that it has, it scares the shit out of me. I’m not used to a woman who wants more than just expensive gifts or to be seen with an ultra-wealthy Montgomery. Hell, Harlow wants to take me to dinner and let her pay for it. I didn’t even know how to respond to something like that. Things just don’t work that way in our world.”
Hudson chuckled. “Get used to it. Harlow has been independent her entire adult life. It’s her way of showing you that she cares about you. When Taylor does something thoughtful for me, it throws me for a loop, too. I’m pretty damn grateful every damn time she does something for me just because she cares, but it’s just completely foreign to me. So, I get it. We want that, but it’s not something we ever really thought would happen. I guess we don’t really feel worthy sometimes, but I’m starting to shake that shit off. I want Taylor to love me like that, and she shows me every single day that she thinks I deserve it. After a while, I started to believe her. I’m not sure how I ended up with a woman like Taylor, but there’s never going to be a day that I’m not profoundly grateful that she loves me. The only way you’ll screw this up is if you can’t learn to accept the way that Harlow cares, and you throw it back in her face. Maybe one of the hardest things to acknowledge is that when a woman cares about you that way, you have the power to hurt her.”
I thought about the way I’d reacted to Harlow when she’d offered to take me out to dinner, and I felt like a complete asshole all over again. “Yeah, I already kind of screwed up. Harlow put herself out there, and I backed off because I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Take my advice—don’t do that shit,” Hudson advised. “Be honest and tell her how you feel. Things can go south in a hurry if you don’t communicate. You’ll have to decide which is more important to you—being loved by Harlow, or not putting yourself out there, too, and never taking a risk. With a woman like her, you can’t have both.”
“I have no idea if she loves me or not. It’s just been a friendship until today.”
Hudson released an audible breath. “I used to think I couldn’t have it both ways with Taylor, but I was wrong. She’s my best friend, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She knows all of my strengths and my weaknesses, and still loves me anyway. The only way you’re going to know if Harlow loves you is to put your heart out there, Jax.”
“And if she butchers it into tiny little pieces?” I asked morosely.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen, but if it does, you’ll know she isn’t the right woman for you,” Hudson said philosophically.
“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll find that knowledge comforting while I’m laying on the floor bleeding out,” I grumbled. “Fuck that! Harlow is going to be mine.”
“If that’s the case,” Hudson mused, “then you’ll have to work to make it happen. I know you, Jax. You can charm the hell out of anyone you meet. You’ve always been a lot better at that than I’ll ever be.”
“Everyone except her,” I corrected. “She messes with my head until I don’t know what to say, and she doesn’t fall for any of my usual bullshit. She never has.”
“Good,” Hudson replied smugly. “You need someone who can see right through that and throw you off your game.”
I raked a frustrated hand through my hair. “I love her, Hudson. I think I probably have since the first day we met. Just the thought of losing her makes me come completely unglued.”
“Then don’t lose her,” he suggested. “Make her happy. You said Seth and Mason were crazy because they’d probably move mountains just to make Riley and Laura happy. Have you changed your mind about that?”
“I take back every single thing I said about them and you,” I said gruffly. “Hell, maybe I had to convince myself that falling in love was a choice because Harlow had already turned me down flat. It killed me that first day I saw her after the kidnapping. She seemed so damn defeated, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to never have to see her like that again. I still wish I’d gone to see her in person way before I did. All I had to do was take one look at her, and I knew something wasn’t right. She looked like she’d been battling demons, and was on the losing side of that fight. She’s so damn stubborn that she thought she could fix everything herself.”
“It’s not easy reaching out for help when you’ve never had to do it before,” Hudson considered. “She’s obviously tough. Harlow did six years active duty Air Force, and apparently thrived. Anyone who can juggle working full-time while they’re pursuing a doctorate has to have the kind of determination that most people don’t. She might be hardheaded, but she’s had to be to get to where she is today. I say that when she’s ready, she’d be an amazing asset to Last Hope if that’s still what she wants.”
“I think she’s even more determined to do it now than she was at the beginning. She has a big heart. She’d already have all the equipment up and running if she had her way.”
Hudson chuckled. “Maybe you should let her have her way. Do you think she’ll come back to Montgomery?”
“Most likely,” I answered. “She hasn’t mentioned that yet, but I think she’s getting stir-crazy. I just don’t want her to rush the rest of her recovery, and she will if she thinks she can get away with it.”
“I think she should take some time to take care of herself,” Hudson agreed. “She doesn’t have to rush. Her position will be waiting for her when she’s ready.”
“I’d like to be around to make sure she does,” I said. “I want to take some time off, Hudson. I’d like to spend some time with Harlow as something other than her advisor.”