“Enough books,” I announce. “Time for food.”
Alex shuts a copy of The Grapes of Wrath that he had been perusing and puts it back on the shelf before opening the door for me as we step outside again. We walk a few doors down to The Butcher's Daughter, and my stomach actually growls at the scents wafting through the air.
I end up ordering the pancakes with red fruits and a strawberry smoothie while Alex only asks for an espresso. Then we go and sit at a table at the end, cornered between a wall and a window. Without further ado, I start attacking my pancakes, putting a big bite into my mouth.
To my surprise, Alex is intently looking at me, a smile hanging on his lips, and I can’t help but wonder why. “Do you remember last time we came here?”
He’s got that twinkle in his eye that makes my heart go wild. I glance around the place, swallow my food, and nod. “Like it was yesterday,” I say, memories replaying in my mind. “You told me we needed to talk before going to Brazil and I suggested meeting here because they had the best smoothies in town.”
“And I agreed to it because I knew no one from my entourage would come here,” he discloses, his face lighting up with his growing smile. His eyes drop down for a moment as he thinks something through before they meet mine again. “When I walked in and saw you from afar, my heart nearly jumped.” My lips part at his confession; he had never told me this before. “And all I wanted was to tell you how much I was in love with you.”
His tone is laced with nostalgia, and as I keep looking him in the eye, I can only imagine the pain he’s going through because of my decision to side with Eric and testify against him. How did we end up here? And why? Are we truly cursed as Louise and Mom had said?
Regardless of anything else, my heart does a little somersault in response and I can’t help but lay a hand on top of his and say, “I love you.” I know we haven’t said those words to each other for a very long time and I’m not even sure if he still feels the same for me, but I wanted him to know my feelings for him haven’t changed.
The corners of his mouth twitch into a grin. “I love you too.” His voice is low and barely audible, but he takes my hand, and closing his eyes, gives it a long kiss filled with so much tenderness that I know he truly means it.
As the late morning bleeds into afternoon, we remain in the coffee shop enjoying each other’s company, talking only about our best memories together. I lick the powdered sugar left from my fingers, content to listen to the sounds of the small cafe and watch the day pass by out of the huge shop windows. Eventually Alex puts his hand over one of mine, startling me out of my reverie.
“It’s time to go,” he tells me reluctantly.
I sigh. “When we leave, it's back to real life and the thought of losing the babies.”
“I know.” His voice is thick with emotion, and overly gentle. “But we can’t avoid it forever.”
“I wish we could.” I stand, pushing my chair back in, and hold his arm as we walk to the exit of the coffee shop.
The veil of sadness settles more heavily over me each second until I buckle back into the car, and consequently, into reality.
“Dinner's ready,” Maria announces. I jolt up from the couch, nearly knocking my laptop on the floor. Ever since we’d gotten home, I’d been doing more and more research on our babies' ailments. My mind is spinning from reading so much, and I must have flipped through the doctor's notes at least ten times. Rubbing my eyes, I stand and stretch my arms over my head.
“So much time on the computer is bad for you, ma’am,” Maria admonishes as she pulls my chair out for me.
“There’s just so much information. I feel like I’ll never understand it all,” I tell her. Maria clucks her tongue at me but says nothing else as she sets the table.
Tonight is a crispy fried tofu stir-fry with rice noodles. Alex joins me within a few minutes, only to see that I’m sipping my hot green tea and not eating. He looks annoyed.
“Do I really need to tell you to eat again?” he scolds.
“The tea is to settle my stomach. I just constantly feel sick,” I say between sips.
“Don’t worry, sir,” Maria tells Alex when she brings him his plate. “I make sure she takes her vitamins every day at least.”
“It isn’t enough,” Alex growls, but drops the subject. If I wasn’t pregnant, I know he’d continue to complain, but maybe he’s actually taking Mariana’s advice on not stressing me out so much.
Besides the pregnancy, Alex and his grudge against me is my biggest stressor by far. I just hope after the case, he will turn the page and be the Alex he used to be. I miss my husband, the one who was always attentive and caring. This grumpy Alex is seriously annoying the heck out of me. Although I must admit it was nice to have him with me during the appointment and to pretend our lives were normal for a little while afterwards. I eat a few bites, feeling guilty that I can’t stomach more. The sauce is delicately spicy, and the tofu is crunchy on the outside just how I like it. I wish I could eat everything, but the best I can do is half.
Suddenly, Alex’s iPhone starts ringing, and after checking who’s calling, he excuses himself, letting me know it’s Ryan—his lawyer. I also leave the table given the fact I’m already done with my meal, and head to my bathroom to take a quick shower before heading directly to bed. For some reason, I’m craving the peace, quiet, and darkness of my room. I feel unnaturally exhausted, but just like every night recently, the second my head hits the pillow I can’t shut my brain off. I close my eyes and I’m back on the table and they’re doing the amniocentesis, or I’m back in Mariana’s office when the word “terminate” rolls off her tongue. The picture of the ultrasound with the big red circle marking the impossible surgery area haunts me. I whimper, clutching the blankets, hot tears rolling down my face. If only I could just rest…
My eyes pop open and I raise up onto my elbows as the door slowly cracks open to reveal Alex, in a white t-shirt and gray sweatpants silhouetted in the doorway.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him, brushing my tears away.
“Something told me you needed some company.” His voice is quiet and low.
Alex slides into bed beside me, pulling me into his arms for the first time in so long. I try not to cry into his chest, but the warm scent of his skin and the rise and fall of his breathing are so familiar. I’ve missed him so much, and needed him so badly, that I can’t help but sob.
He shushes me softly as he holds me, my shoulders shaking. After what seems like forever, my sobbing tapers off into sniffles.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be,” he presses a kiss on the crown of my head. “Listen, I was thinking it might help if something good came out of all of this. I’m going to plan a gala dinner to raise money for other kids with Turner Syndrome. It will be a black-tie event, expensive plates, the whole nine yards. What do you think?”
The idea of giving back to the community is appealing. It would channel my grief into something productive. There is just one thought that makes me hesitate.
“If we lose her by then, I think it might hurt too much for me to go through with it. It will be just like when we lost the first pregnancy,” I tell him, my breath hitching.