I should’ve learned that lesson from her long ago. No matter how hard I tried, or how many emotional barriers I erected, I still felt like a little kid whose mom left him behind. It was always hard for me to figure out why someone loved me when it felt like my own mother couldn’t, so I got caught up on that rather than appreciating the fact that I was, indeed, loved by so many. The last thing I wanted was for my daughter to struggle with the same fears and doubts I still subconsciously struggled with. It would kill me if she grew up questioning her worth, or if she deserved to be cared for or not. It was another big reason I wanted to bring Remy back around. No one loved bigger or more loudly than she did. No one cared more than she did. Both Hollyn and I could use a little bit of that uninhibited affection in our lives.
I didn’t think she was going to text me back.
I crossed a lot of invisible lines, which had always been drawn clearly between us, and I was pretty sure I scared her off. I still kept with the plan of keeping busy and getting out of the house each and every day to help Hollyn acclimate and to let Campbell get her on a schedule that worked best for all of us. I spent time with my dad at one of his remodels. I took my mom to lunch a couple times a week. I spent the day with my cousin Joss and her kids, and even let my Uncle Benny convince me to go out drinking one night. It was nice to reconnect with my family, but I still waited anxiously for Remy to respond. The two weeks on pins and needles made it clear that I needed to make some friends. I was terrible at socializing. I was awkward around strangers and often found myself searching for something to say. I was also burned by the last person I let get close to me, so obviously, I was hesitant to trust anyone again. But I couldn’t count on my family alone for entertainment and companionship. Remy really was my best friend, even when we weren’t talking. She was the only person I was comfortable being myself around, and the only one I didn’t struggle to connect to.
When she said she was free, I almost rushed to assure her that I didn’t mean anything inappropriate by my request. However, the truth was, I very much wanted to get inappropriate with her if she was willing.
I decided to let things play out however she wanted. Remy was always the type to call the shots, so I figured I’d follow her lead as long as it didn’t involve her freezing me out and ignoring me again. I told her I would take her to dinner, that we should go on a real date, but she shut me down almost immediately. Instead, she sent me directions to a trendy loft in LoDo and told me when to show up. I wasn’t expecting an invitation to her place; I also wasn’t expecting how difficult it was to leave my kid alone for the entire night. While I was slowly adapting to entrusting her care to Campbell when the sun was up, the evenings were just me and her. She filled up my nighttime hours with her sweet baby sounds and the rhythmic wailings of her temper tantrums. She was finally starting to sleep longer through the midnight hours, but I still found myself crashing into the recliner in her room more often than not. I wouldn’t have been able to drag myself away from her if the person waiting for me was anyone other than Remy. At some point, my daughter and my childhood friend had become equally important. I wanted to do my best to protect and care for them both.
The loft was very Remy. It had an industrial feel to it with lots of windows and metal. There was exposed brick throughout, and bright artwork decorated both the lobby and elevator. The floors were sealed concrete, which should’ve made everything feel cold and rough, but it didn’t. The whole building felt edgy and modern. The door to her unit was painted lime green, and when she opened it, I could see the interior of her place was just as bright and colorful. She waved me inside with a hand, looking questioningly at the flowers in my hand.
I practically shoved the sunflowers I bought for her in her direction as I let my gaze wander around the big, open space. The view of the mountains alone had to make this place outrageously expensive.
As if she was reading my mind, she looked at me over the top of the bouquet and informed me, “I’m leasing the loft from friends of the family. Actually, you probably know them. Quaid Jackson is friends with your mom, and Avett Walker worked for my dad for years. They bought a new place a couple years ago but kept this one as a rental. It just happened to be empty when I decided to stay in Denver, so I asked if I could rent it from them for a year. Avett has always been super cool and chill. I think she probably pressured Quaid to agree. She always tells me that I reminded her of herself when she was younger. Makes sense since my dad has always treated her like she was his own. She was practically part of my family when Zowen and I were growing up. Both he and Asa have a soft spot for her.”
Asa Cross was Rome’s business partner, and Remy and Zowen’s godfather. He didn’t live in Denver anymore, but his family was still very close with the Archers. I also recognized the name Quaid Jackson. He was an attorney like my mother, and the two often consulted on cases with each other. It seemed that all things in Denver could still be handled through someone connected by family or close bonds of friendship. Both our parents had a solid network containing many different specialties and professions. There was little that couldn’t be accomplished if you just asked for help. That was probably one of the best things about being back home.
The other was standing in front of me, waiting for me to say something.
I nervously lifted a hand to the back of my neck and rubbed it awkwardly. “Do you want to order something for dinner? You should let me feed you. That was always part of the plan.” I didn’t want her to misunderstand that I was looking for a quick hookup and nothing more. I never wanted her to question how much I valued her.
Remy shook her head and moved to the long, mostly stainless steel kitchen that took up the entirety of one wall. She rummaged around, searching for something to put the flowers in, and told me, “I was going to make something, but then I realized I don’t know what you like.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up as I watched her move around with hungry eyes. “You can cook now?”
The Remy I remembered didn’t have the patience or coordination to be in the kitchen. She pretty much lived on ramen noodles and microwave bean burritos when her mom wasn’t available to cook dinner.
“I’ve been on my own for five years. I moved around a lot and worked a ton of different odd jobs. Wherever I ended up, there was always a café or pub hiring. I waited tables. I bartended. And I cooked on the line. I picked up a thing or two along the way.” She lifted a shoulder, and her t-shirt slid down her arm. It was oversized and appeared to be the only thing she was wearing. It was cute, but all her exposed skin was causing me to have a hard time following the conversation. “I was also really broke when I first started bouncing around. I couldn’t decide where I wanted to be or what to do with myself, so I barely scraped by. I lived lean for months at a time and learned how to feed myself on hardly any money.”
I frowned. I had no clue she was struggling so much after I left town. When I was in boot camp, I was so miserable, it never occurred to me that she was going to face her own fair share of hardships after I was gone. “I can eat anything. I spent enough time in the Army that I forgot how to be picky. You eat what’s available.”
She set the flowers on a counter that looked like it was made from part of a fallen tree. She rested her hands on the edge and asked, “Do you want me to make something?”