I’d spent so long getting to the point where I could manage my own issues effectively. Was I really ready to take on someone else’s hardships and triumphs? Could I really keep myself together if I finally got what I always wanted and it fell apart? Did I trust him enough to believe he wouldn’t walk away again? The last thing I wanted to be was a burden to someone who was already dealing with so much. And I had serious doubts about my ability to help rather than hinder.
My fingers tapped against the phone even harder, and I swore under my breath. Finally, I clicked through my contacts and called Bowe. Between her music career starting to take off and her relationship with Ry getting more and more serious, we hadn’t talked much since she’d moved back to Austin. Even though Bowe was several years younger than me, she was always the person in our tightly knit friend group who understood me the most. There was something about her no-nonsense attitude and straightforward personality that calmed me down. Even before I was medicated and actively trying to keep a handle on my mental health, just being around Bowe had always made me feel better. Something about her tempered my impulses, and I knew I could always rely on her. Just like my brother, it didn’t matter where in the world I was, she would come running if she thought I needed her. She was my biggest cheerleader and most trusted confidant.
When she answered the phone with a laugh, I knew she was with my cousin. I could hear his deep voice in the background and rolled my eyes at how in love the two of them were these days. It was the world’s worst secret that Bowe and Ry had gone through a pretty rough puppy love phase. They shared a lot of firsts together, including their first heartbreak. They had very different personalities, so I couldn’t say I was ever really rooting for them to end up together. Bowe was fun and fearless. She was also incredibly creative. Ry was none of those things. He worked hard, and devoted his all to whatever he was involved with, be it sports or, now, med school. I would absolutely hate it if he dulled any of Bowe’s brilliant shine. So far, he’d been nothing but supportive and encouraging, but if he went back to being a bossy bore, I was fully prepared to fly to Texas and kick his ass.
“You are so in love it’s disgusting.” I issued the complaint in a teasing tone and couldn’t stop a grin from spreading across my face. “You sound happy.”
Bowe cleared her throat and told Ry that she would be back in a minute. I heard her moving as she said, “Well, you don’t. Is something wrong?”
I sighed and stared off into space, trying to get my thoughts in order. “I might have to have sex with Hyde Fuller.” There was a lot more on my mind than the sex part of things, but for some reason, that was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. “I kissed him the other day, thinking it would get him to back off. He’s been reaching out a lot since we both landed back in Denver. I feel like every time I turn around, he’s there. The kiss backfired, big time. He kissed me back, and now he’s calling me every single day. He told me he was going to ask me to spend the night with him. I didn’t really think he’d ever ask something like that, but he did. I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe. I’m mad he seems to be much better at chasing me than I ever was at chasing him.”
Bowe let out a low whistle. “Good thing I moved out of hearing range. Ry would have a fit if he overheard any of that. Neither of the Archer boys are very fond of Hyde after everything that happened between you two.”
I rubbed my forehead, where I felt a headache starting to throb. “That’s another reason I need to block his number and forget about hooking up with him.” I didn’t really care that Ry didn’t like the idea of Hyde being back in my life, but Zowen was a different story. I very rarely did anything that would upset my brother. I owed him too much. “Tell me to ignore him.”
“You never listen when someone tells you what to do. If I tell you to ignore him, you’re going to do the opposite.” She chuckled lightly. “Which means you probably already made up your mind about him, and you actually want me to tell you it’s okay to move forward.”
I swore again and rubbed my head even harder. The throb was getting unbearable. “Stop being so smart.”
“It isn’t being smart; it’s knowing you so well. I’m going to say the way he reacted to the kiss scared you. You expected him to push you away, and when he pulled you closer, you freaked out. It’s okay to be scared, Remy. Being afraid of your feelings is very much a part of life and love. Even for people who don’t have the struggles that you do. I would worry more if you were completely unaffected after finally getting to kiss the boy of your dreams.”
“I can honestly say I’ve had more nightmares about him than dreams.” They usually involved me chasing after him, reaching for him, as he walked away from me. It never occurred to me that the reality would be Hyde suddenly deciding he wanted to walk toward me. And I wasn’t sure I liked the implication that I was still in the same spot waiting for him. No matter how many places I’d lived, or how much distance I’d tried to put between us, we ended up back where we started.
“Regardless, that means he’s always been on your mind, and I would guess you’ve been on his. He had a lot of opportunities to kiss you back when you guys were younger, but he waited until the time was right. He waited until it would mean something to both of you. If he kissed you before, would you be able to make a logical decision about what you wanted to do next? Would he have been able to leave knowing how much you would’ve read into such a small gesture? No. You would’ve jumped into whatever was waiting with both feet, and you would’ve drowned. There’s a solid chance you would’ve taken him down with you. You wouldn’t forgive yourself for that. All that anger you turned on your mom when you found out she asked him to leave would’ve fallen on you, and I don’t know if you ever would’ve been able to crawl out from under the weight of that kind of regret. Hyde has always been the bad guy, so you never had to be.”
I snorted as I tried to let Bowe’s words sink in. “He had a baby with someone else. He was considering marrying her. That doesn’t sound like he was waiting for the right time.”
“Sometimes you have to fail before you find the right one. If you don’t, how are you going to know the difference between something that’s just kind of good, and something that has the potential to be great?” She made a slight sound and quietly reminded me, “Ry thought someone else was his perfect match for a long time. He never would have known he was wrong if he hadn’t tried things with Aston and ultimately failed. The way he loves me and has always loved me is different from how he cared about her. Knowing that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt from time to time, but as long as I know what we have is above and beyond what he could have with anyone else, it’s enough.”
I finally stopped rubbing my forehead and looked out the window that faced the mountains. “I guess it’s different for us since we’ve only ever loved one person. We don’t know how it feels to leave little parts of our hearts with other people who are only good and not great.”
“Isn’t that better? It means our hearts are never lost. We always know exactly where to find them. You can go anywhere, experience so many different things, but you’re always going to know exactly where your heart is.” Bowe hummed a little; it was melodic and sounded like part of a song. When she spoke again, her tone turned serious. “I get being scared you might get hurt again. I also know you well enough to know that you’re probably worried about being the one who hurts him this time around since he seems willing to open his heart to you, finally. I guess you have to decide if you trust him, and more importantly, if you trust yourself. It’s been years, Remy. You don’t deserve to be lonely forever. Haven’t you punished yourself long enough?”