It was only the two of us because my mom showed up at my house almost as soon as I got off work today. She told me she would watch the baby and ordered me to sort things out with my father. I’d been out of town for a few days on a work trip. I didn’t have any plans to confront my father about anything; I just wanted to spend some time with my kid and see if Remy was free. I’ve been busy with both work and my personal life. I was still doing my best to juggle all the balls I currently had in the air, and I hadn’t let my parents be more involved in my life now that I was home. I’d really only seen them in passing or spent a few hours with them before I went back to work full time. My mom was a bit different because she showed up unannounced, and she had taken on a big role in helping with Hollyn. She adapted to being a hands-on grandmother with ease, and I knew she was doing her best to make things as easy as possible for me and the baby. My dad was more subtle in his support, and I realized belatedly that he was worried about overstepping his boundaries. He was scared I would take off on them again if I felt pressured by him or didn’t see eye-to-eye with him on how to live my life. I knew he had reservations that Remy was back in my life, and I knew he was concerned I was working too hard and trying to do too much on my own, but I was grown up now. I appreciated that he still saw me as a little boy who needed to be saved, but I wanted him to see me as a man he could be proud of now. After all, I wouldn’t be who I was today, as a man or a father, if I hadn’t had him as an example to follow.
I took the beer he silently offered me and kicked my feet up on the lowest railing of the deck. I’d been in the mountains the last few days looking at how erosion could impact several main passes this winter, and I was trying to evaluate a way to prevent rockfall and the threat of avalanches if the snowfall was higher and heavier than expected. It was satisfying to be back in the field with boots on the ground, but I sure missed home. Campbell was very good about checking in with me, and I think Hollyn was getting used to seeing my face over the phone, but it was still challenging to be gone.
“Sorry I’ve been so busy lately. Time got away from me.” The beer was cold, and the view was pretty, but sitting next to my dad and forcing myself to finally slow down and appreciate how far I’d come from the kid who ran away from all his troubles and responsibilities was one of the nicest moments I’d had in a while. “I hope you know how much I honestly appreciate all you and Mom have done for me, and I’m not only talking about Hollyn and bringing me home. I was only able to fight for her until the end because you fought for me so hard. You’re the best dad I could’ve asked for. I probably don’t tell you that enough. Thank you for everything you gave me, and thank you for teaching me everything I need to know to be a good father and a good man.”
My dad was quiet for a long time. He relaxed his hands and lifted one to stroke his beard. It was a familiar gesture. He often did the same thing when I was younger when he was trying to come up with the right thing to say.
“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Hyde. When you first came into my life, you were such a sad, scared little boy. You’d been through things no little kid should ever have to. I remember the first time you really smiled at me. It felt like I won the lottery, and every mistake I’d made up to that point didn’t matter anymore. It was and still is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. And you being happy, that’s still the only thing I want for you. Working, raising your kid, finding someone to share your life with, all of that is the bare minimum, but it’s not living. Don’t get so caught up in building your life that you forget to live while you’re doing it. Have some fun. Make memories. Make mistakes. But most of all, be happy as often as possible.”
I chuckled and tilted my beer toward his so we could tap them together. “I was happy back then. I remember how weird it felt at first. I didn’t know what to do with it because I’d never felt that way before. And I’m happy now. Obviously, not all the time; that’s impossible. But I don’t have many regrets, and the ones I do have, I’m working my way through. Don’t worry so much about me.” I sighed and gave him a knowing look. “And don’t worry so much about Remy being back in my life.”
His gaze narrowed, and his mouth tightened slightly. “I watched you kids grow up together. I watched you prop each other up and tear each other down. Even when you were young, I knew that girl was going to be someone who was in your life forever. Those Archers, they never make things easy. I don’t worry about Remy being back in your life, son. I worry about you choosing to make things more difficult for yourself than they have to be. Any parent would.”
“To me, Remy isn’t more or less difficult than anyone else. She’s just her; that’s just how she is. She’s the only one who’s always hears me, even when I don’t speak. She’s a big reason I learned what happiness was and still is. The truth is, I’m a single dad now. I’m the one making her life more difficult the deeper in she gets with me.” I gave him a goofy grin. “Plus, I remember you and Mom trying to figure things out when you first got together. Could you imagine if you walked away from her just because she made things more complicated, or if she left you because you came with me? We were definitely not easy to deal with back then. Where would we be if you two gave up on each other? What would our family look like? I can’t give up when things get hard. I did that once before, and it’s still my biggest regret. You taught me better than that, Dad.”
My dad finally grunted and dipped his chin in a nod of agreement. It was as close to approval as I would get from him. But I felt like he finally saw where I was coming from and why I’d made most of the choices I had as of late. All I ever wanted was for him to know how much I valued him, and how much I wanted him to understand that all the best parts of me came from him.
“Thanks for coming by. I didn’t want to intrude, but I’m glad you made time for your family.”
I laughed and set the empty beer down. “Well, Mom may have come by and reminded me that I needed to be a better son. It’s hard to try and be everything all the time.”
“Just be you. That’s all anyone should need from you, even if you come up short every now and then. You’re enough, Hyde. You always have been.” He reached out a wide hand and clapped it on my shoulder to give my whole body a little shake. “I should’ve come to you. You always come to me. When we first met, someone brought you to me. I guess learning how to be a good father doesn’t stop, not even when your kid becomes a father himself. I’m adjusting to you being all grown up. You don’t need me to guide you anymore. You seem to know exactly where you’re going.”
“I might not need you to lead, but it’s always nice to not have to walk alone. Go ahead and stick close by, Dad. I like knowing you’re there no matter what. Come over whenever you want. You need to get to know your granddaughter better.”
My dad cleared his throat, and a soft smile peeked through his beard. “Your mom wants you to leave her with us when you have to travel for work. She won’t say anything to you because she doesn’t want to pressure you, and you’re spending money on childcare, but it would mean a lot to her if you considered it.”