Never in a million years did I think I’d ever hear those words from Phoenix Walker.
“It’s okay.” Not wanting to drag him over this all night, I give him a flirty smile. “If you want to be rough with me, do it during sex.”
Because I definitely don’t mind it then.
I expect him to make a crude remark and pick things up where we left off…but he doesn’t.
He goes back to staring at the ceiling.
I place my free hand over his heart. It’s beating fast and hard. “What are you thinking about?”
In the heavy silence, his gaze searches mine. As usual, his impassive expression gives nothing away…but I’d give anything to know everything he keeps bottled up inside.
Just when I’ve given up hope, he speaks.
“Quinn doesn’t deserve this.”
He’s right, she doesn’t.
The thought of someone hurting a girl who’s so vibrant and full of life makes me want to find the asshole and dole out my own brand of punishment.
So while I wholeheartedly agree that Quinn doesn’t deserve this, it seems Phoenix doesn’t realize something equally as important.
I trace the curve of his brow with my finger, waiting for him to make eye contact. When he does, I whisper, “You didn’t deserve it either.”
This time when he kisses me, it’s soft and gentle…like he’s saying thank you with his lips.
Then again, Phoenix has always been enigmatic when it comes to kissing.
I wonder if there’s a reason for it. Maybe he had a bad experience.
“Can I ask you a weird question?” I breathe between kisses that are quickly heating up.
“You can ask me anything.” He licks my bottom lip before biting it. “Doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”
I’m aware.
“What’s your deal when it comes to kissing?”
He stills, his lips grazing mine. “Got a problem with my technique?”
“No,” I quickly assure him. “I love the way you kiss.”
He puts every single thing he feels into it, just like he does whenever he’s on stage.
I pull back because having a conversation when we’re literally lip to lip not only feels funny, it’s difficult.
“I remember you telling me once that you didn’t kiss your hookups. I’m just wondering why kissing is so important to you.”
His gaze drops to my mouth. “Like I told you back then. It complicates shit. Makes them think it’s more than what it is.”
A weird twinge flits through me with the memory.
It’s not that it’s important to him…it’s that it’s important to them and he doesn’t want women to misconstrue things.
“Yeah, I remember.”
His lips find mine again, but I place a hand on his chest, halting him.
Phoenix might be onto something.
“Since we’re only fuck buddies, maybe we should stop kissing.”
His jaw sets. “We’re only fuck buddies because of you.”
No…because of him.
Which is all the more reason I need to start drawing some clear lines in the sand before they all become blurred.
“It’s just…it makes sense, you know? I think we should take kissing off the table.”
“Yeah.” He pulls his mouth away. “You’re right.”
I should be happy we’re in agreement about this, so I force myself to ignore the stupid pang in my chest.
The ensuing silence stretches to the point it’s almost uncomfortable. Complicated.
I look past him to the window. The sun is fully up now, the birds chirping with the start of a new day.
“I’m exhausted and I know you must be, too. I’m gonna head to my room.”
A spark of hope goes through me because maybe Quinn will be there.
I start to move, but long fingers wrap around my wrist.
“Whenever my mom would tuck me into bed at night, she’d kiss me on the forehead.” Phoenix looks away, withdrawing into himself. “No matter how shitty the day was, she always ended it with, ‘I love you, my rara avis’ and then a forehead kiss…until she left.” He exhales heavily. “I held on to those memories, though because it’s the only time I ever felt loved. But that love eroded into pain. And the longer she was gone, the more it hurt.”
His eyes find mine. “I didn’t want to get attached to another woman, because the one woman who was never supposed to break my heart smashed it into a thousand fucking pieces.”
My own heart does an excruciating flip. It makes so much sense now.
Not just the kissing. But him never wanting to have a relationship.
He doesn’t want to let another woman in.
He doesn’t want to get hurt.
I palm his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
I hate that this woman ruined her son so much that he’s closed up parts of himself eternally.
She didn’t just rob him of her love, she took away his ability to accept love from anyone.
He shrugs a shoulder like it’s no big deal. “I just thought you, of all people, deserved to know the truth behind my no-kissing rule.”
I run my thumb along the faint stubble on his jaw. “And here I stupidly wondered if it was a bad first kiss that put you off.”
His lips curve. “My first kiss was great, actually…until I fucked it up.”
Safe to say he’s piqued my curiosity. “What happened?”
Those blue eyes hold me captive. “Well, she was my tutor, but we had a strong connection and ended up forming a friendship.”
My stomach coils because this story sounds awfully familiar.
“She helped me pass an English final so I could graduate high school. I met her in the band room to tell her the good news, but the moment I saw her sitting at the piano…it felt like someone hit me over the head with a steel pipe.”
I can’t speak. Can’t breathe. Can’t move.
He takes the breath I’m unable to and his fingers find my hair, drawing me closer. “I thought about all the hours she spent helping me, the reading pen she bought me…her unwavering belief in me.” His gaze drops to my mouth, and he leans in. “When I told her I passed, she ran over and hugged me, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted more.”
Oh god.
His lips ghost mine. “With her…I wanted more.”
An array of emotions tangle in my chest as his mouth slides over mine.
I was his first kiss.
I almost want to laugh because I was so inexperienced myself I never would have known if he was bad at it.
My pulse skyrockets as his fingers grip my chin, keeping me in place. A breathless moan leaves me as he takes me deeper, and I can feel my resistance crack a little more with every sweep of his tongue.
He’s definitely not bad at it. If anything, he’s too good at it.
It’s almost unfair.
Knowing I’m the only one in the world who gets to experience this with him makes me feel…special.
“Kissing is back on the table,” I murmur against his lips.
He hitches my leg around his waist, and I feel his mouth twitch. “It was never off.”
Dammit, Lennon. Get a hold of yourself.
I pull back slightly. “We’re still temporary fuck buddies.” I try to catch my breath but it’s impossible because he’s looking into my eyes, siphoning all the air from my lungs. “But I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have an intense physical attraction to one another, right?”