And they say babies are the best part of the world. Whoever said that hasn’t been dealing with a cranky infant who only likes to wake up at night.
“I’m too fucking tired,” I mumble as I push myself out of bed. Bernadette is wailing, and Ben is either preparing her bottle or unable to wake up because he’s too tired to function.
When I arrive at his bedroom, I find Bernadette in her bassinet, thrusting her legs and screaming bloody murder.
“What’s going on, sweetheart? Did your ungrateful father forget he has a beautiful princess to tend to?” She sniffs as if she’s trying to control herself, but goes back to crying.
“It’d be nice if you change her diaper instead of criticizing me in front of my daughter, fucker,” Ben calls from the kitchen.
Bernadette stops crying as I pick her up from her crib. I head to the nursery and start my duty. When I signed up for the fellowship, I was willing to live at the hospital if necessary. I never entertained the idea of shortening it. Who would have thought I would do it to dedicate the time to this little one?
“How long until she sleeps through the night?” Ben asks, taking a seat on the rocking chair. He has the bottle ready and he’s just waiting for me to finish.
“I heard somewhere around six months to eighteen years,” I joke as I fix Bernie’s onesie.
“Fucker,” he grumbles, picking up the pillow he uses to help him support her while he’s feeding her.
“You should watch your vocabulary, or that’ll be her first word if you continue talking like that around her,” I warn him, then I recall that we haven’t talked about his future. “Have you made any decisions about the hospital? Are you going to tender your resignation?”
He shakes his head. “Nope. I have eight weeks left to make a decision. I don’t want to lose my seniority.”
“We can figure out a schedule,” I say, handing him the baby so he can feed her.
“You’re a good friend, Heathcliff Spearman.” Then, with a small voice, he says, “The best uncle ever.”
“I just do it because she’s cute. Also, you helped with Fern’s twins when they were born. It’s a little pay it forward.”
“That’s what family is all about,” he says. “And since I like you a lot, I’m going to give you some advice.”
“If it involves Atzi, please don’t do it.” He’s been pushing me to go back to SanFran and get her back.
There’s nothing to get back. Things between Atzi and I never started, but they’re definitely over.
“It’s been what, like, two months since you left her? I don’t get why you did it. Not when I know how much you love her.”
No one will ever understand why I refuse to return to her. It’s not only because Mom can’t stand her but also because Atzi wants a family. I stare at Ben cradling his baby as he feeds her and I wonder if I will ever be able to get past my guilt.
Every night as I help him with Bernadette, I think about Atzi and me and the possibility of having more with her. A house, a family, and happiness.
But then, I’m reminded of what can happen to the children or me. What if they are born with a congenital defect? My father’s heart condition, my mother’s mental issues, or… there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t have children.
But if everyone thought the same way I do, the entire human race would be in danger of disappearing. “Do you worry about her future?”
“I’m concerned of course. Seven books, two classes, and Fern on speed dial haven’t given me enough confidence to believe we can do it. I just plan on winging it like all parents do.”
I chuckle. This sounds so much like Ben. In every class we took, he did what he called his best with the minimum effort. He’s a good doctor, one of the best. He’ll probably become one of the best parents too.
“You should try to get in touch with Atzi.”
I shake my head. “I made a promise to my mother. She’s doing a lot better. Next week she’s going on a cruise. It’s the first trip since the incident.”
He shrugs. “Listen, you’re a good son, but instead of being good to your mother, you should start by being good to yourself.”
“She needs me. I still can’t wrap my head around Dad’s infidelity. No wonder she was a mess after he died.”
Ben is rocking back and forth slowly while feeding his daughter, and I’m almost sure he’s about to fall asleep. “Do you want me to help you?”
“No, I’m just resting my eyes and wondering if your mom isn’t just using you.”
“Why are you saying that?”
He shrugs. “She’s blamed you for not finding your dad in time. The guilt has taken you all the way to New York to figure out how to prevent his heart condition from birth. But, what’s that heart condition again?”
“What do you mean?”
“What was it? High cholesterol, atrial septal defect, single ventricle defect… You’ve never named it.”
This… I’ve never thought about it. I’m a fucking doctor, and for the first time in my life, I’m faced with a question I have never asked before. What the fuck happened to my father? A heart attack, sure, but what caused it? I’m a man of science. A doctor. I should’ve asked more questions. I’m old enough to do it, and I never did it.
The fuck, Heath?
It’s painful to respond, “I don’t know.” I sound like a dumbass.
He scoffs. “Isn’t that convenient?”
“What are you talking about?”
“For all you know, you’ll have to keep applying for fellowships and specializing until you forgive yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.”
That’s where he’s wrong. “I could’ve saved him.”
“Please, tell me how a thirteen-year-old could’ve saved a man having a heart attack.” He shakes his head. “Actually, you found him dead. Dead. It was over.”
“If I had gotten there earlier, I could have called an ambulance.”
“What was the TOD?”
“Excuse me?” How am I supposed to know the time of death?
“See, maybe I don’t love my parents as much as you do, and that’s why I’m trying to figure out the loophole to get you out of the guilt-chain that keeps you attached to your mother. If I were you, I would get my hand on a copy of the autopsy to figure out everything. Time of death, reason, and more. You should try that, along with therapy.”
“I don’t need therapy.” And fuck if I don’t sound like my mother who still refuses to get help.
“You’re in denial,” Ben says. “You lost the woman you love because you’re blind with guilt. If I didn’t love you, I would let this go, but you’re like a brother to me. If it wasn’t for you, my life would be a clusterfuck—and I’m talking about our college years.”
Those were hard for him. I’m glad we were roommates and became close. “It was nothing. I’m here for you.”
“Same, which is why I’m going to tell you to get off your ass and do something for yourself. Atzi won’t be waiting for long.”
“So what do I do, call her? She’s just going to tell me to fuck off.”