“No. First, you fix yourself, and then you grovel.”
Can I do it? Is it that simple?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Atzi
Today has been a busy, tiresome day. Earlier I had a long conversation with my lawyer. Since I haven’t been able to get in touch with Heath, she’s serving him with the papers. Hopefully, he’ll sign them and rescind his parental rights ASAP.
We want to have them ready before I leave. I’m moving to France with my aunt, and I’d rather have everything squared up.
The doctor just gave me the green light to fly. My window to travel is short, only two weeks. Aunt Cécile scheduled our trip for next Monday, hoping Heath will sign the paperwork and we can be on our merry way.
This is what’s best for my little family and me. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I have to think about the future and not myself. Instead of nesting for the past twenty-some weeks, I’ve been trying to figure out the next step while continuing to heal. It’s safe to say that I’m not ready to be a mother, but I’ll try my best.
We’re not closing Lavigne, but I’m dedicating my time to what matters the most. My family and the little ones.
I hired two pastry chefs for Decadent Dreams. We’re in the process of hiring a CEO and a COO for Lavigne Chocolatier. Everything seems to be working as planned. This time, I’m not making up some scheme without a good foundation, the way old Atzi used to do it.
As I leave the doctor’s office, I call my grandparents, knowing they’ll send me to voicemail. “Hi, it’s me again. I just wanted to let you know I’m moving to France next week. Again, I apologize for deceiving you, but I only wanted to keep you happy. During these past few months, I’ve learned that by doing so I was actually dishonest with myself. Trying to please others so they’d love me was wrong. I just feared what would happen if I lost the only connection with Mom.
“I didn’t understand that the most direct link to her is my heart and all the memories we shared. It’s a shame you two won’t be a part of my life and my new little family, but if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me. I love you both.”
I hang up and step into the elevator, not even looking at who’s inside. I call Heath right after. “Hey, it’s me again. By now, you must think I’m some obsessed crazy ex trying something weird. I’m not. We just need to talk. Please reach out to me when you have time. It’s important. If you don’t, I have a lawyer that’ll contact you. Just sign the papers and this will be over, okay? I hope life is treating you well.”
When I step out of the elevator, I text Aunt Cécile to let her know I’m on my way home.
“Atzi?” I hear a voice calling me. When I look up, it’s Elliot.
I wave at him. “Hi.”
He smiles and hugs me from the side. “It’s good to see you.”
“Same. How are Fern and the babies?” This conversation is so painful, I want to run in the opposite direction.
It’s been so long since the last time I spoke to any of the Spearmans. Well, that’s not true. Cory and I are still close. She has become Switzerland and hasn’t told anyone about my pregnancy. She’s encouraged me to start anew in France and promised to visit us often.
Rys and I talk often, and I just told her about the babies when I announced I’d be moving.
“Missing you. I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.”
I sigh because I miss them too. So many times, I’ve been tempted to reach out to them, but I decided that phones work both ways. I’m done being the one reaching out to people.
“Say hi to them when you get home.”
“Why don’t you visit us?” he suggests.
Rubbing my swollen belly, I shake my head. “I really wish I had time, but I’m moving to France in just a few days.”
He looks at the bump. “Can you travel?”
“Yes. The doctor just cleared it.”
“Does he know?”
I arch an eyebrow, as if saying, what are you talking about?
“Heath, have you told him about the baby?”
I shrug. “I’ve been trying to reach him for the past couple of months. He’s not picking up the calls. My lawyer will serve him with the paperwork, don’t worry about it. They’re not his responsibility.”
“But you can’t just give him that option.”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with children,” I whisper, trying to keep myself calm.
My decision has been months in the making. I’ve discussed it with the therapist. The best for me and the babies is to live with family. All the Lavignes are waiting for me. My anxiety has diminished, and I’m not even taking medication.
“Fern would want to be a part of their life,” he says. “Same with the rest of the Spearmans.”
I shrug and begin to walk outside of the building. “Sorry. I think this is the best for us.”
“Atzi, think about it,” he calls out. “We’re your family.”
I shrug and find the car I ordered earlier. “My ride is here. Send my best to everyone. Maybe when they’re old enough and I’m ready, I’ll call so you can visit them.”
I don’t like that the car is across the street. I wait for the light to turn green so I can cross over, and Elliot’s worried face is the last thing I see.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Heath
Every time I start surgery I think about Atzi. She always teased me about creating a catchphrase. Something like Patrick Dempsey did during the show. I can’t even remember what he used to say. I haven’t come up with anything. I think it’s silly, and I doubt any doctors have something to say when they’re about to cut someone open.
So far, all I do when I step into an OR is hope to save the life of the child I’m operating on and think about Atzi. I’m still trying to figure out my shit. Therapy is helping, but I haven’t tackled the major issues. Which means I’m not ready for her.
I’ve been ignoring her calls. It pains me, but I can’t talk to her until I’m ready to offer her everything. When will that happen? I don’t know. This is a work in progress. I dedicate my time to my surgeries, Bernie, and therapy. Ben is temporarily working at a private practice three times a week. He sends his daughter to daycare one day a week, and I take care of her during my two days off.
So far, he’s been able to handle fatherhood, but he wants to move closer to family. My family. He’s waiting for me, hoping I’ll transfer to SanFran. I doubt it’ll happen soon. There’s a lot I have to work out before I’m ready for Atzi and our life together.
But now it’s not the time to think about my life or future. It’s time to work. I signal I’m ready. The nurse turns on Mozart. It’s what I like to listen to while I’m doing surgery. My eyes focus on the tiny chest I’m about to open.
It breaks my heart to see a toddler with tetralogy of Fallot. He should’ve been diagnosed at birth, maybe even before birth. It shows in a sonogram after the sixteenth week of gestation. Parents need to be more informed.
But it’s okay. I can operate on this little one and send him home, ready to have a normal life. I’m almost done with the surgery when we receive a call. I hate when the phone rings. Someone, somewhere, thinks there are more important things than my job.