He’s not said them back, but things have changed yet again with us. We’re closer for sure. He dotes on me more. Sends me sweet texts during the day, and makes love to me at night. He sends me flowers for no other reason than to say he was thinking about me, and he laughs and smiles more than I’ve ever known him to.
This is just so confusing, but there is nothing I can do but stay on this journey. I can’t not be in love with him, and I can only hope he’s going to get there one day. Not just the words, but the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. It’s my most fervent desire.
The door to the conference room opens, and I look that way because the motion catches my attention. It’s my secretary, Leeza, and her eyes roam the table until she finds me. Her look is apologetic as she crooks her finger at me. Not once in the last six years since she’s been working for me has she ever disturbed me during a meeting.
I slide silently from my chair. Dane’s eyes come to me for a moment, but he doesn’t miss a beat in his discourse.
When I make it to the door, Leeza has stepped out in the hallway. I pull the door shut behind me.
“I’m so sorry to interrupt, Avril,” she says as she wrings her hands together. “But Mr. Jared Litener is in your office, and he says it’s an emergency that required I interrupt you. He says he has to speak to you urgently. I put him in your office.”
I go dizzy with dread. Jared is Jamie’s best friend and partner in their plastic surgery practice. There is no way in hell he’d ever show up here saying he needed to speak to me urgently unless it was something awful.
My legs feel wooden as I walk down the hall, and tears are already forming in my eyes. When I open my office door, Jared turns to look at me. His face is coated in misery, his eyes bloodshot. I haven’t seen him since Jamie and I broke up, but he became a good friend to me over the years.
I try to ask what’s wrong, but my throat closes up tight. A tear slips out and falls down my cheek, but I dash it away.
Jared walks up to me and takes my hands in his. His voice is rough and coated with heavy emotion. “Jamie had a brain aneurysm.”
A choked sound obnoxiously pops out of my mouth, and Jared squeezes my hands as he continues. “Um… there was too much brain damage. He’s on life support now, but there’s no recovery.”
“No,” I manage to sob out and then fall forward into Jared’s arms, my legs going absolutely weak. For as confident as I was in calling it quits with Jamie, I never thought I’d be faced with this.
“I came to tell you because obviously Jamie would want you to know, but more importantly… he named you as his healthcare power of attorney.”
This news causes me to jerk and pull back from him. “He what?”
“A decision needs to be made,” Jared says quietly. “He had an advanced directive and living will. He’s named you as the primary to make decisions on his behalf. He named me as the secondary.”
“I don’t understand.” My voice comes out in a warble, almost slurred. “Why would he…”
Jared looks uncomfortable for a moment, but then gives a resigned sigh. “He was going to propose to you, Avril. He had all of his estate stuff done up to give it to you, and he also wanted you to make end-of-life decisions. He had it all planned out because he was so confident you two would be together forever, but then he had that moment of fucking stupidity. I know this might not be the time to tell you this, but that woman he was with… she really came on strong to him. I know it doesn’t excuse what he did, but he didn’t go seeking anything. He loved you. He wanted a life with marriage and kids with you.”
Tears fall freely from my eyes as I try to comprehend what he’s saying. That I was so close to having everything I ever thought I wanted in life, and it was ruined by a moment of stupidity. I can’t even bear to think about how I am grateful for that moment of stupidity, because it brought Dane and me together. That seems like such a betrayal to Jamie, who now lays brain dead.
“Why wouldn’t he have changed all that?” I ask Jared as tears continue to stream down my face. “Why keep me on that stuff after we broke up?”
Jared gives a sorrowful smile. “He was the eternal optimist. He thought he could work really hard and get you back. He never gave up that you might at least give him a chance one day.”
I pull away from Jared and flop down into one of the guest chairs. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I bend forward and start sobbing. Jared puts his hand on my shoulder and just lets me cry. I can hear him sniffling, too, but I don’t have the strength to comfort him.
I don’t want this responsibility.
I sure as hell am not liking this guilt that seems to be pressing down on me. Knowing now that Jamie was going to propose, that he had a moment of weakness that ruined it all, but most of all, because it led me to a greater happiness. I didn’t love Jamie the way I love Dane. How could I when I have seventeen years of deep history with him?
Finally, I sit up and look over my shoulder at Jared. “What do I need to do? What about his brother?”
Jared shook his head. “You know he’s not that close to Phillip. With both his parents being deceased, you and I were the next logical choices for him to make these decisions.”
I nod in understanding as more tears fall. But I really don’t understand any of this. It’s so unfair Jamie was taken from this earth so young and full of life.
It’s not fair I have to make decisions for a man I no longer love, although I do have care and respect for the good thing we had. For the good that I know was in him.
“You know what he would want?” Jared asks me hesitantly.
I nod again, give a tiny cough to clear my throat. “Um… yeah. We talked about it a few times. If there was no chance of recovery, he didn’t want to be on life support. Same as me.”
“That’s right,” Jared says softly. Proof he really was Jamie’s best friend and knew him well. “But you’re the primary. You have to make the call. There will be forms to sign at the hospital, and I thought… well, that you’d want to say goodbye.”
I double back over as pain hits me square in the chest, and I start sobbing again. Jared squats down by the chair, rubbing my back. He murmurs words of comfort, but I really can’t hear them.
Jamie’s going to die by my hand and very soon. He’s going to die without me having given him any closure. I could have just met with him for lunch or something, and let him have his last say. I could have looked him in the eye and let him know there was no chance. Instead, he died still loving me and still trusting me to do right by him.
“What’s going on?” I hear Dane say from the doorway, and I look over my shoulder. Even through the tears blurring my eyes, I can make out the wavy figures of Andrew and Dane.
I bend back over, the sobs almost uncontrollable at this point, and I feel like I’m suffocating. Then Dane’s by my chair and he’s pulling me into his arms. I can hear Jared almost like he’s in a tunnel, telling Andrew and Dane what happened to Jamie. I bury my face in Dane’s chest and I just keep crying.
♦
After I sign the documents and Jamie’s heart stops beating, Jared pulls me back into his arms for one last hug. I don’t know if we’ll keep in contact, but I hope so. We just shared one of the most profound experiences of my life. While we waited for Jamie to die, we spent most of the time telling funny or endearing stories about him. We laughed, and we cried. I told Jared how bad I felt that I didn’t give him closure, and he comforted me by telling me Jamie only ever wanted me to be happy, and if I am, then he’s in a very happy place right now.