By the time we met, I was in the height of badness. I wasn’t even going to class anymore. When I had exams I just gave all the answers I knew were wrong even though all the right answers were crystal clear to me.
I played football and that was my thing. If anybody had a problem with it they could fuck right off. And if they didn’t all I’d have to do was get one of my cousins to deal with them. Georgiou was always Mr. goody with his dark side. He’d act like a patron saint with his good grades and level manners to smooth things over by day, by night he’d be charming virgins out of their panties.
No one would ever guess that though about him. When it came to me and the shit I got up he leave me to it.
It wasn’t a problem until it was and the school threatened to kick me off the team if I didn’t shape up. no one could understand what the fuck could have happened to me in the space of eighteen months. That’s how long it took me to damage my rep. I went from the studious student to a nightmare from hell.
It was the coach who arranged for me to have lessons with Amelia.
The first month was hell, the following month she guessed my little plan and called me out on it. I was impressed but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Months later the good girl started dating the bad boy. Months after that the bad boy fell for the good girl and the night I took her virginity I wanted her to be mine forever.
In the summer of the following year her mother remarried. His name was Tobias Carson. I was in my senior year and had down a full three sixty. I was focusing on my work and I think that’s how I missed all the signs that Amelia was being abused at home.
She covered it well. It would have gone on for the whole year by the time I guessed what was happening. I was too late though. Anything I wanted to do would have been too late. she deteriorated in mind and body and started cutting herself. When she found out she was pregnant that destroyed her.
I wanted to go to the police. Me the mobster in training wanting to go to the police was a big deal, she refused. She wanted to talk to her mother first before she did something as drastic as that.
I wish she hadn’t. she was already in a bad way, when she spoke to her mother and she called Amelia a whore who was after her husband that was what destroyed her.
I took charge when that happened. I loved her and I didn’t care whose baby she was carrying. I felt like I failed her by allowing what happen to happen to her and I didn’t know how I didn’t kill the motherfucker. I was too concerned about her to do anything she didn’t want me to do.
I managed to get her to go to the police. The two of us went. But they fucked up. I don’t know what the hell they did but it didn’t help. Amelia was made to look like a liar. Her mother thought the baby was mine and Amelia was trying to ruin her happiness.
The disaster turned into a nightmare when I got a call from Amelia one night telling me he raped her again and she killed him. she stabbed him with a pocket knife.
That was the last time we spoke. She went missing after that for three days. Georgiou and I found her Eagle Mountain. We’d been looking endlessness for her. I looked everywhere, but she was a clever girl and knew how to stay hidden.
As I look at the egg in my hand I still remember her face. Her beautiful face, tearstained and hopeless with nothing left to live for. Not even me.
I close my eyes and draw in a breath.
I’d be an idiot if I thought it still didn’t affect me, maybe it always will. But maybe I can change that.
I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life and I know I was an ass in front of the woman I shared so much with just the other night. The way I was with Lilly was me giving myself to her too.
I don’t want to spoil this… whatever it is.
No strings attached… really?
I’m not acting like it’s no strings and if I want to explore this have to let go of the past.
One step at a time.
I stand up and make my way into the main part of the house. It’s really quiet.
Lilly’s in the kitchen with Rosie like they’ve been frozen there in time since yesterday. the only differences are the change in their clothes and Lilly has her hair down. She looks like a doll and Rosie a miniature version of her.
“Morning, we were just having toast, but we can go in the garden,” Lilly says.
“No. Don’t do that.”
I look at Rosie sitting in the chair. She’s brought her hands together. god, their so small and she is too. She literally looks like a doll.
I walk over to her, crouch down and place my hand over hers.
“Hey there, my little principessa,” I begin. “I’m sorry I scared you yesterday. I didn’t mean to. Here I want you to have this.”
As I open up my palms and she sees the egg her face brightens up like a bulb.
“Really? I can have it?”
“Yes. It’s something you don’t have. Maybe it will bring you good luck,” I say and the moment the words fall from my lips something loosens inside me. It’s freeing and like someone eased the weight of the past off my shoulders.
“Thank you so much,” she says throwing her arms around me. Jesus, I didn’t know anything could make tears sting the backs of my eyes but she can.
“You’re welcome,” I mutter. I can sense Lilly watching us. there’s a shift in the atmosphere.
“Goosy will love it so much. I’ll make sure she doesn’t break it. can I give it to her now?”
“You sure can baby girl,” I reply and she leaps off her chair and rushes out the room.
I push to my feet and face Lilly. She’s looking back at me with tear-filled eyes.
“Thank you for being so kind to her. But I didn’t want you to give her something that was important to you,” she says.
“Her happiness was more important. It was a present I got once. I…” Am I really going to tell her? I don’t know how the words sound. I’ve never said them. Georgiou was the one who explained what happened to anyone who mattered to me. This would be the first time I’ve talked about it.
“Back in high school I met this girl. She gave me the egg because it was something I didn’t have. My family was always rich and I never wanted for anything. But I didn’t have a golden egg,” I explain and find myself smiling at the memory. that’s it though. that’s all I can smile at. I can see from the look in Lilly’s eyes that she might know where I’m going with this conversation. So while she gives me a little smile I can see her cautiousness. “She had some trouble that I couldn’t save her from and she killed herself.”
“Oh Christian,” Lilly gasps. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s… okay. When I saw the egg it just stirred memories. I always blame myself for not being able to save her.”
“It’s… not your fault,” she says. Many have said those words to me, and I’ve continued to cast blame on myself. Hearing it from her though is different.
She comes closer and reaches up and touches my face. Her warm fingers on my skin and that compassion in her angelic face feels like redemption. Maybe it could be. Maybe this thing between us doesn’t have to end.
“It’s not your fault,” she says again and I allow myself to believe her, because it wasn’t my fault.
That’s the first time I’ve ever accepted that.