Christian’s not at the club tonight and he didn’t come home. I left Rosie with Vera and head out to work. Driving myself in.
I danced and I couldn’t do my usual by getting lost in the music. I danced and twice I missed a step. No one would really know the mistake because they don’t know the routine but I do.
I move in my ball improvising and doing my best not to feel like shit.
This is the same routine as that night weeks ago when I first felt that spark between Christian and me. It was at this point in the music where the ball floated over to him and I never expected to see him because I was nowhere near his lounge.
The violin music starts. It’s a clever insert piece into the techno mix and incorporates the melody from Swan Lake. I know this part by heart. The ball floats over to the balcony and the smoke covers it. The lights go out giving the illusion that I’ve disappeared.
It was at this point when I saw him, when the lights reappeared.
As the glow of light comes back on inch by inch I see a face before me I never expected to see ever again.
The ball is supposed to stay here for a few seconds for this part of the music and I’m supposed to be standing on my toes in a plie, but my knees turn to water when I see Miguel standing on the balcony before me, watching me.
His face breaks out into an open smile when he sees that I see him and I know it’s him.
More importantly, I know he’s not dead.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lilly
It’s him.
It’s actually him.
Miguel’s alive he didn’t die. But that was last year. It all happened last year.
Where has he been all this time?
Miguel watches me with that stern expression and that crude smile as the ball moves and starts to float away.
I can’t dance. I can’t move. I can’t breathe.
My heart is drumming, the hammering sound deafening and the pull on my soul unbearable.
I stand just like I am, shell shocked for the final minutes.
By the time the ball makes its way back to the other side of the hall to end the performance I feel faint and so lightheaded I see stars.
Louise is standing over by the bench waiting for me with water. I go to her and almost stumble tripping over nothing, my soul fighting to escape the devil it just saw.
“Hey Lilly, another great performance. I wanted to see if you were okay.” Louise says.
She’s talking but she sounds far away. I try to make out what she’s saying but answer accordingly but what I know I have to do is leave.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I’m gonna go.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “You sure you’re okay, you look pale.”
I think if all I look is pale then that’s good because I can’t believe what I just saw. Who I just saw. Miguel.
Fuck.
“I’m fine,” I repeat as if on autopilot. Then I rush away. I get downstairs and I don’t even bother to change I just grab my bag and leave.
When I get to my car I don’t check anything I just drive. Drive home to Christian but he’s not there.
And, he’s not answering his phone either.
I don’t sleep at all until well into the early hours of the morning and I fall into a nightmare. A memory of Miguel pushing me down the stairs. The fear and panic from the memory wakes me with a start and I notice I have cold sweat running down my face and my back.
Pushing me down the stairs was one of Miguel’s favorite things to do for the simple reason that he knew I was terrified of breaking my neck and dying.
The worse time he did it was just before I gave birth to Rosie.
That time the fear of God gripped me as I thought I was going to lose my baby. I reached out for one of the rails along the banister. That was what stopped me falling but the impact jerked my body enough to trigger labor. My water broke and I don’t know how I made it through the night giving birth by myself. Miguel called the ambulance to collect me. He didn’t even want to pretend to be a husband that night. All because there was a new waitress in the bar he wanted to fuck before anyone else got the chance. I heard him talking with his friend.
That is who my husband was.
He’s not dead.
Oh my God I don’t what kind of nightmare this is I just walked into but I have to find out what happened and how he found me. Mom and I were living in LA when Miguel and I met. It was easier for me to take care of her while I worked with the show.
He doesn’t know about Chicago or that I was ever here. I never mentioned it but I guess it probably wouldn’t have been that hard to figure out if he checked me out which he clearly did.
It’s the longest place I stayed at as a child. I never started moving around until Julliard.
I get dressed and rush out to the kitchen where Vera is making breakfast for Rosie. Christian isn’t here.
“Morning, are you okay?” Vera asks.
“Yeah,” I answer with a little smile not wanting to cause any alarm. “Is Christian here?”
“No, I haven’t seen him. he didn’t come home last night.” she answers and my heart squeezes.
If he didn’t come home there’s a number of places he could be including some woman’s bed.
I’ve been trying not to cry. Shock has taken me in more ways than one since seeing Miguel, but thinking of Christian spending the night with some woman crushes me to my core.
“I’m sure he’ll be home soon, yes.” Vera says tapping my shoulder with reassurance.
“Yeah,” I say. I can’t let this break me. I can’t. My heart is already broken now I truly have to figure out the next steps. Which means I have to abandon everything and get the hell out of Chicago.
I have to do one thing first.
“Vera would you mind taking Rosie to the playgroup? I have to go to town for something. I shouldn’t be too long.”
“Not at all, you take your time. I’ll get her to the playgroup we’ll meet back here and I’ll make lasagna. Rosie loves that. So does Christian. I’m sure he’ll be back for dinner.”
I’m grateful for her attempts to cheer me up.
“Thank you.”
I look over to Rosie who’s feeding Goosy a strawberry. I rush over to kiss her on her forehead them I grab my bag and head out.
I’m going to a cyber café in town I used a few times. It’s one of those underground places that can make a number untraceable. I use it to call Columbia twice since Rosie and I came here. I found out about it by accident. I needed to print something off and I overheard someone talking about it.
There was a guy who helped Rosie and me leave Columbia. His name is Juan Hernandez. He was the only one of Miguel’s men to take some compassion on me. He helped me get my name changed back to St. James and helped me sort out passports for myself and Rosie to come back to the States.
It was also him who delivered the news that Miguel had been killed in a police shootout, and that I was finally free of that life. I was a mess. The night before Miguel was killed he beat me so bad I could barely stand. When Juan came with the news, he found me on the floor huddled in the corner with my baby, afraid to even breathe.
I had to call him those two times to get money. The second time I was so embarrassed I decided I would never do it again. I figured if I’m going to find any answers he’s the best person to start with.