I kiss the wetness on her cheeks. “I’m not making the same mistake again. I love you, Lo. I love you, and I want you, and I will wait for however long you take to be okay with that, but mark my words, I am going nowhere. I won’t lose you again. I can’t lose you again. And more than that, I won’t ever fail you again. I will never, ever, let you down again. That is a promise I will take to the grave.”
CHAPTER 21
Harlow
I CLING TO him, pressing my body flush against his, and I never want to let go. Holding Theo like this brings back a host of memories.
Mostly good.
Some not so much.
I can’t stop crying, and it hasn’t escaped my notice that, after all these years, Theo is the one to crack through my veneer. I don’t know why I’m all that surprised. Theo is the only one I have ever been able to open up to. He knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets, like I know his.
But this.
This has thrown me for a loop.
His admission, his profession of love, has burrowed through the walls I’ve built around my heart. They were already wobbling, weakened by the strength of my growing feelings for these guys.
But this revelation is everything.
Everything.
Theo’s hard underneath me, not that I need it to prove his words. Theo wouldn’t lie to me about something like this.
We dated for roughly a year, from the time I was fourteen and a half to fifteen and a half, and that whole time, I believed he was gay. He was so troubled and upset over it, and together we found a safe place to explore our sexual desires. We watched gay porn together, and he shared some of his fantasies with me. I used sex toys on him, and my fingers, and while I was never the right sex, we derived great pleasure from one another.
At a time when we were both confused, alone, and struggling to make our way in this sick world, we found a way to comfort one another. We lost our virginity to one another, and he took my anal virginity too. In fact, a lot of times we fucked, he took me from behind, and I always believed he imagined I was some guy. I didn’t care at first, because I was enjoying it too much for it to matter. But after a while, it started upsetting me because I wanted him to want me for me.
Now, I’m rethinking everything, and my head and my heart are on overload. It’s no wonder my emotional dam broke and I’m crying.
Because the connection I share with Theo is way more than sex. He was my best friend. The person I told everything to. We shared our dreams and aspirations for the future and made plans to always be in each other’s lives. Which is why it hurt so much when he cut all contact dead after our parents’ relationship imploded.
It was as if I hadn’t mattered.
Like everything was a lie.
And I had been convenient and an outlet for channeling his hidden desires.
But he was holding out on me. Not admitting his feelings were real. Can I blame him for that? Especially when I held a part of myself back too? Afraid to tell him for fear of rejection. And I never disclosed the snooping I did for The Sainthood because I was ashamed, and I didn’t want him thinking less of me.
“Why didn’t you attempt to explain it?” I ask. “If I’d had one letter or a text, just something to make sense of it instead of cutting me off dead like that. You almost broke me for good.”
“I wanted to,” he admits, clasping my face in his hands and peering deep into my eyes. “But I couldn’t find the right words. And I convinced myself you were better off without me.”
“Not knowing tore me apart. I blamed myself for all the things I could’ve done differently.”
He wraps his arms tightly around me, dotting kisses into my hair. “I’m so sorry, Lo. You deserved better, and if I could go back, I’d do it all differently.”
We have both made mistakes. We were kids, and he was doing what he thought was the best thing for me, no matter how misguided and flawed his decision-making process was.
I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length to protect my heart, but all I’ve done is waste more precious time.
That ends now.
“Theo.” I lift my face, grab fistfuls of his hair, and yank his head back. “I forgive you, and I want to leave the past in the past and start over.”
“Nothing would make me happier.”
“Make love to me,” I say, rocking my hips gently against his erection. “I need you.”
“It would be my pleasure. I love you, Harlow Westbrook,” he says, stripping my hoodie and tank top off me and throwing them aside. “I love you so fucking much.” He unclasps my bra, letting it slide down my arms as he sucks one puckered nipple into his mouth, pulling on it hard. His fingers roll my other nipple, playfully teasing my sensitive flesh, and his familiar touch is a lot like coming home after an extended vacation.
I throw my head back, whimpering. It’s as if all the nerve endings in my body are on one continuous loop, because every time he touches my nipples with his mouth or his expert fingers, a shot of liquid lust darts straight to my pussy, drenching me in desire.
We stand, slowly undressing one another, as our lips collide in a slew of unhurried kisses. When we’re naked, we fall against one another, and he angles his head, taking our kiss deeper, until I’m swimming in euphoria, bathing in bliss, my body, heart, and soul claimed anew.
He lays me down on the couch and parts my legs, sliding two fingers inside me. I grab his head down to mine, kissing him deeply as he finger-fucks me in slow, precise movements planned to take me to a pinnacle where heaven waits. His fingers work my pussy perfectly. He remembers exactly how I like to be touched, and I feel his careful caresses soul deep, in a place I’ve only ever reserved for him.
When I shatter, it’s a languid, lazy kind of bliss but one I feel all the way to the tips of my toes. Wasting no more time, Theo slides inside my pussy, and my eyes flit to his, a little surprised. Despite what he’s said, I still expected him to flip me over and fuck my ass.
He thrusts in and out of me slowly, like I might break, and it’s such a contrast to the way the other guys fuck me, but I love it every bit as much.
His eyes are endless pools of emotion as he makes love to me, never losing that intimate contact, and my heart is full to bursting point. “I can’t believe I wasted so long not enjoying it like this,” he admits, pressing a line of tender kisses along my neck. “The way you feel is indescribable, Lo, and I’ll never deprive either of us of this again.”
I drag my fingers through his hair, softly digging my nails into his scalp in a way I know he loves. “I love every way you fuck me, Theo.” I kiss him once on the lips before purposely pulling back. “I have regretted many things over the years, and cursed you more times than I can count, but I have never, ever, regretted giving you my virginity or all the ways we enjoyed our bodies. I’m confident in my sexuality because you helped me to explore it in a safe environment and you helped me learn to listen to my body.”
I run my hands up and down his back as he picks up his pace, fucking me harder. Light sweat pearls his smooth, tan skin, and I press a kiss to his collarbone. “That’s all I ever wanted for you too,” I truthfully admit. I hate that he hasn’t quite reached the same place, and I’m determined to help him find his nirvana.