I bury my face in her neck, clinging to her toned curves, allowing the heat from her body and the familiar spicy scent of her perfume to soothe me. She presses kisses into my hair, holding me close, supporting me with her empathic silence, her unspoken words.
When I’m all cried out, I finally face her, feeling both burdened and freer at the same time. I’m suffocating under a pillow of contradiction, and I can’t clear the haze from my brain long enough to make sense of everything churning inside me.
“Baby.” She brushes knotted strands of hair away from my face. “Please talk to me. What is going through that beautiful, compassionate, intelligent mind?” Cupping my face, she dots tiny kisses all over my chin and cheeks.
“My head is a mess,” I admit in a hoarse voice, my throat scratchy from crying. “I’m feeling too fucking much.” I gulp over the lump in my throat.
“Do you regret it?” she tentatively asks, caressing my face with her fingers.
I immediately shake my head. “No. No, I don’t.” I can’t regret something I’ve craved for years or deny that it more than lived up to my expectations. The act itself isn’t the issue. It’s the aftermath of wild, uncontrollable emotion I’m struggling with.
“Then what?” Compassion shimmers in her eyes. “Did it hurt? Or you didn’t like it or…”
“Fuck, no. It was …” I’m struggling to find the right words to describe all that I’m feeling, but I’m not sobbing on this bed like a basket case because Caz hurt me or I didn’t enjoy it.
Lo and I experimented a lot when we were together, and she’s used dildos, butt plugs, beads, vibrators, and prostate massagers on me. Tools I’ve continued using by myself because I wanted to be prepared to seize the opportunity if it arose. “I liked it. A lot,” I truthfully admit, because nothing compares to a warm, hard, real dick sliding in and out of my ass. Or the guy in charge of it, ensuring he took care to make it enjoyable for me. Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted any other guy taking me for the first time but Caz.
This confusion isn’t physical. It’s emotional and psychological. My brain is clear enough to figure that part out.
Her shoulders relax, and she smiles. “So, it was a good experience?” Lo gently probes my troubled mind.
“Yes. He made it good for me, and he made sure I came too.”
“Then what’s the problem?” She threads her fingers in mine, and her touch helps to ground me.
“I wasn’t expecting to feel so much,” I croak, rubbing a hand across the tightness in my chest. “And it hit me all at once, almost knocking me off my feet.”
“That’s kind of understandable.” She looks contemplative. “You’ve thought about this, fantasized about this, for a long time, Theo.”
“So why did I freak out?” I look to her for answers I can’t find. “Why did I shut down?” The look on Caz’s face when I pushed him away, as he reached to hug me after we’d fucked, will stay with me for a long time. He was devastated, and I hate that I did that to him. That I ruined what was an otherwise perfect moment.
“Only you can answer that, Theo.” Lo widens her legs, gesturing for me to sit in front of her. I move into position, nestling between her long, slim legs, leaning my bare back against her naked chest. Resting my head against her collarbone, I sigh as her fingers wind into my hair, massaging my scalp. “You know I’m a judgment-free zone, Theo. Try to relax and just tell me the thoughts in your head. We’ll figure this out together.”
Reaching up, I clasp her wrist, angling my head so I’m looking at her. “I love you, Lo. For so many things and in so many ways, but this right here is one of the biggest reasons. I’m not sure I’d have even gotten to this point if it wasn’t for you.”
She leans down, pressing a tender kiss to my lips. “Sure, you would have. It might’ve taken a little longer, but you’d have gotten there.”
I twist my head, staring straight ahead, trying to untangle the thoughts in my head as Lo gives me a scalp massage. “I’ve never been so exposed. Stripped bare in every sense of the word,” I admit after a few minutes of amicable silence. “I feel…vulnerable. Uncomfortable in my skin, yet comfortable at the same time, and proud of myself for trusting him like that.”
Lo’s fingers drag through my hair, kneading my scalp, and I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation.
“Let’s unscramble that, because there’s a lot beneath the surface of that sentence.” She stops kneading my scalp, angling my chin up with her fingers. “Is it true you’ve never been that exposed before? That you’ve never passed trust over to another?”
I don’t have to think about it for long to understand what she’s getting at. “I did that with you.”
She nods, still holding my chin as her eyes penetrate mine. “You trusted me enough to let me use all manner of sex toys on you. You even let me fuck you with a strap-on a few times. Yet you only knew me for a few months. You’ve known Caz for years.”
“I feel like a fraud,” I admit in a whisper.
“Why?”
“Because I still don’t know who I am or what I am.”
Her lips purse, and heat flares in her eyes. “This better not be about labels, Theo, because we’ve already had this discussion. You are you.” She slides her hand down to my chest. “One of the smartest, kindest, most loyal people I know.”
“You forgot sexiest,” I quip.
Her lips kick up. “That goes without saying.” Her smile softens. “We are who we are at any given moment in time, but it’s always evolving, because that’s in our nature. And we’re only at the start of this journey called life.”
“I love how you own who you are. No apologies or fucks given,” I admit.
“That.” She prods my chest. “That is exactly what I’m talking about. I knew that Theo one time. A boy who was excited to explore possibilities. What’s changed?”
I dig deep to unroot the truth I’ve always known these past couple of years. “My parents are in my head. They cast me away for being me. Maybe that’s when I stopped owning who I was and the image of who I wanted to be.”
“Fuck those motherfucking assholes,” Lo hisses, fire dancing in her eyes. “They are such hypocrites. They defied your mom’s parents for love, but now their heads are so far up their asses they can’t see how they are doing to you what her parents tried to do to them.”
It’s a true assessment. A truth I’ve told myself many times, but their words cut deep, slicing at the very core of who I was becoming. “The logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there’s an innate part of me that thinks everyone else will react the same if I show them who I truly am.”
“I know who you are. So do the guys. And we all love you for being you. We will support you, no matter what. No questions asked.”
“Is that why Saint and Galen haven’t said one word to me?” I’ve seen the knowing looks these past few weeks, confirming they’ve seen the attraction between Caz and me. I expected Saint to come knocking on my door, but their silence has been deafening.