I’d been texting with Lana since right after the blood ritual, telling her what happened (leaving out the more intimate details of course). She said to keep our guards up, to stay aware.
But, eventually, after Samantha started to seem like a memory, Lana told me that we were probably safe. That Samantha would be able to sense now that taking over me was impossible. She’d probably been watching me from inside the Veil, probably knew that Dex was in complete control at the drop of a hat.
She said it was okay to revert back to normal.
For now.
So I gave Dex the boot.
I have to praise the poor guy for not taking it personally. I think for him it felt a little off-putting to always have this extra shadow, which is how he tried to explain it, that feeling of being outside of yourself. Even when he was fully in his body, there was that small part of him inside me and it was exhausting him.
So I kicked him out and he gladly went. Besides, I don’t think it’s healthy to have your spouse know every single one of your thoughts, no matter how close you are. I mean, when he was inside, he had to deal with life looking through my eyes, in my body, and that’s pretty fucked up if you ask me. Handy in some ways, but overwhelming in others.
Naturally, that left us feeling a bit on edge, not knowing if Samantha was going to come back at any moment. But even I could feel that the energy I was giving off was different now. I wasn’t so needy, so desperate. I made peace with my feelings the best I could.
And Dr. Leivo said that at any time we can have sex and I can invite him to come inside and possess me and that it will work, no blood play needed anymore. We haven’t tried yet, of course, but it’s nice to know it’s there on standby.
The doctor also told me that when we finally go back to see Maximus, that I should give her a call.
That’s something I need to discuss with Dex, and if I’ve learned anything from our last therapy session (aside from how to get willfully possessed by your husband), it’s that I need to share with him more. I need to share with everyone. Be as honest and open and truthful as possible, even if it hurts.
And so, while we’re in the Highlander on Christmas Eve, driving down the I-5 toward Portland in the dark, as the freezing rain falls outside, Fat Rabbit napping in the backseat, I turn to Dex and say, “Dr. Leivo wants to join us on our Maximus expedition.”
His brows go to his hairline as he steals a glance at me. “What?”
“She wants to come with us.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s a witch.”
“And?”
Oh, so Dex is all blasé about witches all of a sudden.
“Because Samantha is a witch,” I repeat. “Look, we don’t even know if Ada is going to agree to any of this, but if she does, the most she can do is get Max out.”
“Yeah, and?”
“And what if Samantha comes along for a ride? We’ve been warned by everyone that’s the risk when you open the Veil. That things hitch rides. That opening a spot weakens it, draws attention to it. We can’t assume that this is going to be easy.”
He lets out a soft laugh. “Easy? Kiddo, nothing with us is ever easy.”
“So, do you mind if she comes along?”
He loosens his grip on the steering wheel. “If you think it will help.”
“She knows Samantha. Or she did, before she died. On a personal level. She can help us with her. Banish her, do whatever it is she needs to do.”
“Do you have faith in her?”
I don’t even have to think about it because I’ve been mulling it over the last few days. “Complete faith. She has our back. And she’s been inside my head. She knows me inside and out.”
“I’ve also been inside your head. Your body, too.”
“And you know me more than anyone should, Dex. I mean, that was always true of you, but now you know what it feels like when I fucking sneeze.”
He breaks into a grin. “I know. Who would have thought that people experience sneezes differently? And fuck, I wish you let me get you off just once, just so I could see how that feels like for you.”
“Hey, some things are meant to be sacred,” I tell him, smacking him on the arm. “Concentrate on your own orgasms.”
“Oh. I do.”
To be honest, I’m a little nervous about tonight. I know that seems silly, after all I’ve gone through in the last six weeks, but Ada and my father mean so much to me, that I’m determined to make things right.
I’m determined to, once and for all, sit down with them and fill them in.
On everything.
Absolutely everything.
And they can share or they can stay quiet, but I can’t afford to keep them out anymore. They’re my family, my blood, and they deserve more than that.
But that doesn’t stop me from being anxious, and as we pull onto the familiar suburban street I grew up on, each house decorated with Christmas lights, some front yards filled with inflatable snowmen and Santa displays, the anxiety kicks into high gear.
“Do you have any Ativan?” I ask Dex, as he parks the car out front. The house looks cheery enough, and there’s a bit of relief in seeing the Christmas lights out across the front, which means my dad’s been feeling well enough to put them up.
“Do you really need any?” he asks me, inspecting my face. “I think you’re going to be okay.”
“You’re holding out on me,” I tell him.
“Come on,” he says, opening his door. “We can at least get you drunk.”
That’s true.
I might as well, too. Lana got me a referral to a psychiatrist, Dr. Chan, apparently someone who specializes in people like me, whatever the hell that means at this point. Is Dr. Chan a warlock? I don’t know. Anyway, I have an appointment with him just after New Year’s, and she seems to think he’ll be able to prescribe me anti-depressants.
I’ve had long discussions with Dex about this over the last few days. We used to be so anti-medication, and for good reason, that it’s something the both of us have to get used to. But I’ve seen how Dex has moved forward on his pills, which only help, not hinder him, and I have to trust that the medication will do the same to me.
The truth is, I do need it. Still. Even with Samantha kept at bay for now, even though I feel closer to my husband than I’ve ever felt before, I’m still dealing with that darkness. It’s still there pressing down on me, wanting to drown me. I’m still dealing with letting go of the life I wanted, the life I needed. Dex and I haven’t discussed the baby thing again, it’s too soon for both of us, and we’re both too fragile, but it just adds to the weight of everything that I’m already grappling with.
Anyway, I’m sure there will be a lot of ups and downs with the pills. You can’t drink much on them, it takes at least three weeks to work, and sometimes the side effects are less than ideal. But I’m hoping that the right pills, along with more therapy sessions with Dr. Leivo, tackling the nitty gritty, that I can beat this thing.
Dex comes to my side of the car and opens the door for me, helping me out. “Should we go say hi first, or just bring Fat Rabbit and let him go nuts.”
“He’s a good buffer. Bring him in now.”
So Dex grabs Fat Rabbit from the backseat, scooping him up in his arms, and we head toward the house. He lets the dog down on the lawn so he can pee, but by the time my father opens the front door, the dog is running full speed toward him.