“Last time I checked, I’m my own person and can make my own decisions,” I said, pushing Gideon out of my way. Of course, he was as immovable as a thousand-ton boulder, so my shoving accomplished little. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here.”
“He seems willing to speak with us.” Matthew smiled at me, but I only had eyes for Gideon.
“You can’t keep doing this,” I said, hating the stubborn jut to his jaw.
“There is nothing I will not do to ensure your wellbeing,” he growled, and I barely held back an eye roll.
“I’m not asking you—you can’t keep things from me under the guise of protecting me. That’s not fair.”
His cheeks flushed, and he ducked his head, tugging on his ear. “Can we discuss this in private?”
A cruel part of me wanted to say no, to follow Matthew to the council room and learn the truth that way. But this wasn’t only about my anger at being kept out of the loop. It went deeper than that, and we needed to address it. Sooner rather than later.
Facing the councilman, I said, “I look forward to speaking with you and the Council on these matters. But right now, I need to discuss things with my… family.”
Matthew’s disappointment was clear, but he nodded graciously. “Of course. Please, reach out to us at your earliest convenience.”
“I will,” I said, and with another shake of hands, Matthew took his leave, Gabriel and Uriel on his heels. To Gideon, I said, “We’re doing this now.”
With a wordless nod of resignation, Gideon stepped aside, allowing me to stomp down the hallway. My angels followed in wary silence.
I didn’t speak during the walk home. Jai and Noel talked in hushed tones. Gideon’s gaze weighed heavy on my shoulders. But I didn’t look at any of them. My head was spinning with questions, and anger bubbled deep in my belly.
We’d barely crossed the threshold when I spun on Gideon and said, “You should’ve told me.”
He took his time removing his shoes as Jai and Noel cast each other furtive glances.
“Hey, remember that thing—” Jai started.
Noel jumped in, nodding enthusiastically. “Yes, that thing! That thing that we need to do right now but not here.”
“Yeah, in the other part of the house,” Jai agreed.
They practically sprinted up the stairs, leaving me fuming as I stared Gideon down. He watched them run away, then rolled his eyes. I swore he muttered, “Cowards,” under his breath.
“Riley—” he started, but I cut him off.
“You should have told me.”
“Last time I checked, I don’t report to you,” he said, his jaw tight. “And as Noel said, it was above your pay grade.”
“That’s not—you should have told me because of what it means to me. Uriel said the Council wanted to talk to me before, but you stopped them.”
“You weren’t ready.”
My teeth ground together. “That’s not for you to decide. I’m not a child anymore. And I’m not your ward. You can’t just make decisions for me like I’m less than you.”
He shook his head and reached for me. “Riley, that’s not—”
I stepped out of reach. “Isn’t it? How can we be… what we are to each other if you don’t see me as an equal?”
At that, frustration cracked through his stoicism. “That’s a rather unjust accusation, Riley. I do not see you as unequal to me. You take my defense of you as pity or condescension. But it’s far from it. I don’t protect you because I think you’re weak. I protect you because I…” He swallowed thickly. “Because of who you are. To me. I want you to be safe and happy and whole. And I would do the same for Jai and Noel. Because they’re my brothers, and I don’t want to see my family hurt.”
“When you keep me in the dark—”
“Like you keep us in the dark about the details of what happened in Purgatory?” he said, tone low and even. “You don’t do it because you think we can’t handle it. You do it because you care.
“I won’t always make the right choices—I’m not perfect. But you have to meet me halfway. You have to trust that I have your best interests at heart, even when I do things you don’t like.” The tip of his index finger traced my jaw. “I’m trying to protect you.”
“I don’t need you to protect me all the time,” I said, not unkindly. “You keep things from me because you think it’s for my own good. Because you think one more thing might break me. But I’ve been broken before, and I learned how to put myself back together.”
His jaw clenched, hands fisting at his sides. “Just because you can break doesn’t mean I should let you.”
“Like going to battle?” I challenged. “You don’t want me to fight.”
“We’ve talked about this. I can’t stop you,” he said.
“But you want to stop me.”
“Of course I do. More than anything, I want you to live in a world where you don’t have to fight. Where you don’t have to face the evil lurking in the dark. Because you deserve to live your life surrounded by love and happiness.” He raked a frustrated hand through his hair. We were standing so close to each other, but there was a chasm between us. “But that’s not how life works. So I won’t stop you from fighting because I do trust your ability to fight. Because I do trust in your skill. But wanting a better life for you is something I will never apologize for, even if you think I should.”
My heart wanted to thaw, but I clung to my irritation like a shield. “You can’t make decisions behind my back. How can I be your partner when you don’t give me the chance? I want you to make decisions with me, not for me.”
“Well, you don’t have the best track record of making healthy choices for yourself, do you?” Gideon loomed over me, poking me hard in the chest with his index finger. “You’re a self-destructive martyr, so forgive me for not always trusting you to keep yourself alive.”
Refusing to be intimidated, I stepped forward until I was nearly standing on his toes. “Screw that. Don’t you talk to me about self-sacrifice. Our family is full of martyrs. Had the roles been reversed, you would’ve done the same thing I did. If Lucifer had come to you, if he’d promised to spare my life and the lives of your friends and family if you went with him, you would have—”
“I would have exhausted every other option first!” The air thickened, and the hairs on my arms stood on end as Gideon’s frustration bled through the cracks in his facade. “We’re stronger together. If you had just told us, we could have made a plan. There were many other options; you just refused to see them.”
“He had Bethany! I had to do what I could—”
“And she still died,” he shouted, and the words hit me like a punch to the gut. Tears sprang to my eyes, and he grimaced. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean—her death is not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault.”
When he cupped my face in his hands, I struggled, shoving at his chest, but he was stronger. “Let me go.”
“No.” He hauled me into an embrace, squeezing me tighter the harder I fought him. “I know you felt cornered, like you had no other choice. And while I don’t agree with what you did, I understand why you felt you had to.” His breath was hot on my ear as I fisted my hands in his shirt. “Can you offer me the same understanding?”