“You can’t keep things from me,” I said.
“But can you understand why I do?” He guided me to face him, our noses brushing.
My breath hitched as he cradled my face in his hands. “Because you love me.”
For a moment, I feared he would deny it, but after three long breaths, he nodded, his eyes bright and wild. “Yes.”
Another punch, this one to the chest. I knew he loved me, but he’d never said it aloud before. I needed him to say it now.
“Say it,” I begged as my vision flashed red. “Say it!”
Our foreheads met. “I love you, kapara,” Gideon whispered, and my heart exploded.
I surged onto my toes and kissed him. He grunted in surprise, his fingers pressing harder to my skull, and I half-laughed, half-sobbed against his mouth. Grasping at his shoulders, I literally climbed up his body until I could wrap my limbs around his waist and neck. I kissed him desperately, swallowing his every gasp and groan.
My back met the wall, but he didn’t press me against it. He didn’t push between my legs and rut against me the way Jai or Noel would have. He simply held me there, his hands gentle as they spanned my lower back.
When his palm molded around my hip, his fingers splayed over the top of my butt, I moaned. Every instinct told me to pull him closer, to roll my hips in search of friction, but I remembered myself before I gave in. I broke away with a gasp, my head falling back against the wall hard enough to rattle my brain.
The sharp pain brought clarity, and I gulped in air as Gideon rested his forehead on my shoulder. “Sorry. I didn’t ask. I should’ve… sorry.”
He chuckled. “You worry too much. We were arguing, so I wasn’t expecting it, but it’s fine.”
I thought of Jai and how arguing usually ended in orgasms, and I laughed. “Arguing can be foreplay,” I said, and Gideon guffawed into my neck. I wove my fingers into his hair and shook with laughter. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.”
“You’re certainly blunter than you used to be,” he said with a sweet kiss to my neck. “Troublemaker isn’t entirely gone, huh?”
My angels knew that my alter was gone, that we’d “merged,” but it wasn’t something I talked about often. It showed in the way I dressed now and in moments like this, when my mouth seemed to run away without my brain. But it hurt to think about because, as crazy it made me, I missed him.
“I guess I had it in me the whole time.” I grinned as Gideon dragged the tip of his nose along the length of mine. “I’m still mad at you, though.”
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry for making you feel devalued and disrespected.”
“Gideon—”
“No. You’re right. We’re partners now, and I need to treat you like it. I wouldn’t make decisions for Jai and Noel, and I wouldn’t shut them out of discussions about their futures. As much as I want to shelter you, it’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t want to shut you out. I trust your judgment, Gideon. Sometimes, more than my own. But I need the choice.” I sifted my fingers through his hair. “I want us all to make choices together.”
“Okay.” He pecked my forehead, lips searing the skin between my eyes. “I’ll try.”
“I will too,” I said, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “I want you to know everything. Because I do trust you, okay? I just… I don’t want you to see the monster he made me into.”
“You’re not a monster,” he said, but I was already shaking my head in disagreement.
“I am. I killed angels, Gideon. I keep telling myself I did it because he told me to. Because if I didn’t, worse things would happen. Because I needed to obey to survive. But that’s not the full truth.” My nails dug into the back of Gideon’s neck as my eyesight shifted to a spectrum of red. “I liked it. I hated it with every fiber of my being, but I liked it. When I hurt them, I felt powerful and unstoppable; it tasted good. It was sick and wrong, but it felt so good. And sometimes, I’m so hungry for it. And it scares me. Gideon, it scares me.”
He kissed away the tears as they tracked down my cheeks. “It is about choice, darling. It is not about the power residing in us, but how we choose to use it. Yes, your power is darker than most. Because your father was Fallen. Because you’ve been through the fires of Hell and emerged alive on the other side. But you choose how to wield it. Not the darkness. You! And I believe with every cell in my body that you are strong enough to choose well.”
“And when I don’t?”
“We’re all monsters sometimes,” he said. “At one point or another. Every single one of us.”
“Sometimes, you have to be a monster to defeat the demons,” I whispered without thought, and Gideon’s brow furrowed. “It’s a part of me, and I’m afraid of losing myself to it.”
His breath was hot on my mouth, his voice rough as he said, “No matter how far you fall or how deep you go, I will always bring you back to me.” Then he kissed me again, hard, his lips unyielding, and I melted.
Chapter Nine
Against Gideon’s advice, I met with the Archangel Council. As was customary, there were four of them instead of three. Matthew, with his buzzed hair and severe face. Eleazer was tall and thin, with long dark hair and intelligent eyes. He was gorgeous in the same way Noel was, like a model in a magazine, but his tongue was sharp. Caleb was soft-spoken for such a burly man. He reminded me of Gideon in the way he didn’t say much, but when he did speak, every word carried weight. He was bald with kind eyes and tattoos covering his scalp.
The fourth council member was a beautiful woman named Grace. There was a fierceness to her I respected. She took her job seriously, but she seemed tenderhearted and kind.
After the introductions had been made, the Council asked me about Purgatory and what I’d seen there. They asked about Lucifer’s tactical plans for attack, of which I knew nothing. They asked if I’d ever noticed anyone meeting with Lucifer to talk war strategy. Had I ever seen confidential plans or files? Did I know Lucifer’s generals? What war tactics had he taught me?
They were extremely disappointed when I couldn’t answer their questions. My only concern had been survival, and Lucifer had been careful. He’d never trusted me, I realized. Even when he’d broken me and molded me into the perfect pet, he knew my loyalty only went so deep.
Grace especially was interested in Leviathan and what he’d done to me in his lab. She spoke with tact but was rather relentless in her questioning. She wanted details about what Leviathan had injected me with and what he’d done to accomplish conception. Again, my knowledge was extremely lacking.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I sat in a metal folding chair before their long podium. “They didn’t talk about those things in front of me. I didn’t even know what Leviathan was trying to accomplish until I accidentally stumbled upon one of the pregnant angels. I wish I could be of more help.”
“My sisters are dying,” Grace said sadly. “If you remember anything that could help us…”
“The only time they spoke of it was the day I found her. Leviathan called her the host. He wouldn’t have seen them as people,” I said carefully, not wanting to offend. “His goal was creating a viable hybrid. The women were simply…”