“Good,” I say, hiding my relief. If Lowell pulled the “I’d never give up my baby girl” routine, I wouldn’t buy his shit. But he’s right that the club can’t afford to look weak.
By the time Monroe and Topanga return, I see my future more clearly. Monroe and I can remain in Elko, no matter what Uncle Clive—or even the worst Executioners troublemaker—wants.
MONROE
Topanga isn’t my type of woman. She’s high maintenance and overly dramatic. Every time she tries to make me like her, I want to pull away more. I prefer relaxed women like Needy, Amity, and Pixie. Pretending to like Topanga isn’t enough, either. She aches to be understood and embraced. Except Topanga isn’t relatable to me.
“Dunning was a sweet boy,” Topanga says in the restroom while fixing her makeup. “Being his mama was so easy that I wanted more babies as sweet as him.”
“Why didn’t you? Did you break Lowell’s babymaker?” I ask, snickering at my stupid comment.
Without missing a beat, Topanga explains, “I got all torn up when I was delivering Dunning. I wanted to do it naturally, but he was huge. Yet, I had all these ideas in my head about how birthing a baby should be. I let my labor go to hell before I finally gave up on my birthing plan.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, feeling guilty for being a smartass. “But you’re okay otherwise, right?”
“Yes, and Dunning was perfect. Yet, my heart broke when I realized I couldn’t have more kids.”
“Because you wanted a girl?”
“A girl would have been nice, but I think sometimes I just obsessed over it because my parents preferred girls. And look at you,” she says, and I assume a dig is coming. “You like a lot of the same things as Dunning. Not all girls want to play dress up. In fact, I find myself wondering if I wanted that when I was growing up.”
“Were your parents bullies?”
“They loved me more than anything,” she says, sounding defensive before turning to check her appearance. “But, yeah, they were bullies. They wanted me to be a very specific person. And they hated Lowell. The men they liked for me were a lot like that guy your uncle pushed you to marry. I thought I wanted that type, too. Then, I met Lowell, and nothing else mattered.”
I smile at how in love she is with Lowell. “Being in that kind of life seems stressful. I’m glad my dad has someone he can feel safe with. He’s able to relax with you. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
Topanga’s blue eyes light up. “No, it does. Men like Lowell, they’re hard on the outside. They have to be, of course. But some of them have soft centers. Others are empty inside or filled with ugly stuff, but Lowell has a gentle core. That’s where he keeps his feelings for Dunning and me. And it’s where he’s growing attached to you. But, sometimes, that outer part doesn’t show what’s happening in the soft center.”
Smiling softly, I think of Lowell and Conor out in the restaurant. They’re my favorite two men in the world, even if one of them seems hot and cold with me. If I had my mom in Elko, my life would literally be perfect.
“Was Lowell good with Dunning when he was little? Like was he hands on?”
Topanga hesitates, probably thinking I’ll get jealous over her answer. Finally, she says, “Not right away. He wasn’t in a rush to have kids, but I wanted to get started while I was young. Again, I had it all planned out in my head. But Lowell needed time to get used to Dunning crying and the smells.” Topanga turns to me and grins. “Lowell hates baby powder. He’d rather smell a fully loaded diaper than baby powder. I thought that was so funny. Then, one day, Lowell stopped looking at Dunning as if he were an interloper and added Dunning to his soft center. After that, he was very interested in spending time with his son.”
I do feel a pinch of regret over not sharing similar moments with Lowell growing up. However, I don’t pine for a do-over. I’m more curious about Lowell than sad over the past.
“One day, do you think I could watch videos or see pictures of them together? I like picturing Lowell’s life. I’m the same way with Conor. When I see a picture of him as a kid or a teen, I imagine where I was in life at that time. It’s comforting, somehow.”
Topanga loves the idea of showing me pictures and videos. That’s why dinner turns into drinks at Lowell’s house. I also sense everyone is afraid to call it a night. Who knows if we can whip up this positive vibe in the future?
Lowell acts more like himself at dinner. I used to watch him at Rooster’s with his friends. He spoke easily, smiled often, and frequently laughed at shit the other guys pulled. Then, after he found out about me, Lowell became stiff and silent. Today, he mellowed out.
For the first time, I notice how much Lowell is into Topanga. It’s clear why he doesn’t hook up with the bunnies despite his marriage clocking in at nearly two decades. Lowell and Topanga flirt a lot, and she gives him this look that makes me imagine them fucking. I’ve never seen longtime married people act this way.
Sure, Uncle Clive likes to show off Immee, but they don’t have chemistry. He’s a powerful, semi-attractive man who wanted a hot woman on his arm. Clive likes to say he auditioned several women when he was ready to settle down, and Immee looked best while jumping through the hoops.
I can’t imagine Lowell claiming that about Topanga. Or Conor toward me. They behave really romantic, which is weird, but I’m learning to roll with it. I’ve noticed how Bronco acts with Lana and his girls. Or how giant Anders is with his hippie woman and their daughter. Some of the Executioners are rough assholes who barely seem to remember they have a family. Yet, others fell hard for their honeys and kids.
With Topanga bugging me about babies, I think to ask why she never adopted or used a bunny as a surrogate. My question causes the mood in the room to shift, and she just shrugs.
“That’s not how things were done in my family.”
“That’s not how it was done in my family, either. However, maybe our parents and grandparents weren’t always the brightest, you know?”
Topanga shrugs again, but I notice a twinkle of an idea brewing her head now.
However, I suspect Lowell thinks I was rude to his woman. Why else does he ask to speak alone in the backyard? I’m leery about ruining our fun and look to Conor for help. He glances at Lowell and then back at me.
“While you two talk, I’ll hunt down Dunning, and Topanga can force-feed the boy.”
Getting the message, I walk outside with Lowell, who looks around his yard as if seeing it for the first time. Yes, it’s very nice, Papa.
“What’s up?” I ask when he remains in awe of his surroundings rather than spitting out what, I assume, is a lecture about how I need to be nicer to Topanga.
“At the party,” he finally says, “when I was outside with Bambi, I made clear how she needed to get her daughter under control. What Taryn pulled with you was unacceptable. She wouldn’t have the balls to act like that with Bronco’s girls or Dunning. She shouldn’t attack you, either.”
I don’t know if I believe Lowell actually told Bambi those words, but the fact that he would even lie means so much. Of course, his words inspire heat behind my eyes.