I’m eager to get home though. To sleep in my own bed.
And hopefully see Beck.
We’ve texted sporadically throughout the weekend, and he asked if I could get together with him when I got home late Sunday afternoon. I told him I could, but I never asked my mom and she might…
Tell me no.
She probably will tell me no, because that’s how she rolls. I don’t understand why she’s so anti-Beck. He’s a good guy, despite the fight and the suspension, which she, of course, found out about and did not approve of.
Whatever. I’m going to see him. Whether she likes it or not.
Tori, Emma, and I are all sitting in the middle bench seat in one of the vans, Emma on her phone the entire drive so far, while Tori is snoozing, her head falling onto my shoulder. I texted with Beck earlier to let him know we were on our way home, but we haven’t texted for at least a half hour. Eventually we’re going to be deep in Yosemite Park where the service is abysmal. I guess that’s why Emma is texting so furiously.
From the look on her face, I’d guess it’s with Marcus. And they’re most likely fighting.
As if she can feel me watching her, Emma glances up, frowning at me. “What?”
“Are you texting Marcus?”
“So what if I am.” She shrugs. “He keeps saying he missed me.”
I’m sure he was with Monique the entire weekend. Without Emma around, he has free rein to do whatever he wants. And now that she’s coming back, he’s trying to keep the peace.
Why can’t she see what he’s doing to her?
“Just—be careful, Em. I don’t want him to hurt you,” I tell her.
“He’s already hurt me. Multiple times,” she says. “Maybe I like the pain.”
I don’t bother arguing with her, and I envy Tori being able to fall asleep anywhere, so she doesn’t have to deal with this. “It’s so easy for you to judge me, isn’t it?”
My gaze is sharp as it returns to Emma. “I’m not judging you.”
She actually scoffs, which makes Tori shift away from me in her sleep. “Please. You’re always judging me. Little Miss Perfect while I’m over here making countless mistakes and endless bad choices.”
I’m gaping at my best friend, shocked she’d say this to me. “I don’t judge you for anything you do, Emma. And I definitely don’t think I’m perfect.”
“You keep everything locked up tight. You’re practically untouchable. Did you know that Jonah came to me when you two were together for advice? He wanted to know what could get you to loosen up,” she says, her voice rising.
I glance around, noting how most everyone in the van is seemingly asleep, but I’m thinking some of them are pretending. Meaning that they’re listening. “Emma.”
“What? You don’t like me airing your dirty little secrets? Mine are blasted all over school, so it’s only fair yours are too.”
“I’m not the one who puts you on blast around school,” I insist. “That’s everyone else.” And Marcus.
Oh, and Monique.
“Whatever. At least people don’t think I’m stuck up. Like the guys. All of them think you are, except for Beck, but that’s only because he’s stuck up too. Though I’m just waiting for the day when he comes to me and asks what he can do to get you to warm up to him. You’re a bit of an ice queen, Addison. All the boys know it,” Emma says, crossing her arms in front of her and slumping in her seat.
I’m speechless. How cruel can my best friend get?
Much worse. I know she’s capable of it. She’s vicious when she wants to be, which is often.
Like now.
And the more I think about it, the more infuriated I become.
“They think I’m an ice queen? At least people don’t think I’m stupid for turning a blind eye toward my cheating so-called boyfriend.”
The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them and some of the girls in the van actually gasp.
Sleeping my ass. The only one who is actually asleep is Tori.
Emma’s face turns about ten shades of red and her gaze narrows. “See? You just proved my point. Judging me as usual. Well, fuck you too, Addison.”
Before I can say a thing in my defense, before I can apologize or take it all back, she turns so her back is toward me, popping her AirPods into her ears. She rests her head on the edge of the seat, completely ignoring me.
I do much the same, angling my body toward the window, my knees drawn up, my lip trembling. I’m on the verge of tears, and I suck in a sharp breath, trying to suck it up. An ice queen? Really?
And Jonah came to her for advice about me? That sounds like a lie.
Maybe it’s not though. I was pretty cold toward Jonah when we were together. Always pushing him away and telling him no. At the time, I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, but I didn’t want to actually do anything with Jonah. And that eventually drove him away.
I can’t blame him.
With Beck, I don’t feel that way at all. The word yes runs through my mind on a constant loop. He could ask me to have sex in public and I’d probably ask him what time I should meet him.
I close my eyes, trying to calm my swirling emotions, the guilt that’s sweeping over me and making me miserable. I feel terrible for what I said to Emma, but she’s been mean to me for months. Always snapping, so demanding all the time. She doesn’t listen to what I have to say, making me feel like she doesn’t care what’s happening in my life, yet I always come running when she needs me.
It’s unfair.
Does that justify what I said to her though?
No. Not really.
Grabbing my AirPods, I put them in my ears and listen to one of my favorite playlists, which eventually helps me fall asleep. Only for me to have a dream that I catch Emma with Jonah—their arms around each other and their mouths locked. When Jonah lifts away from Emma, he smiles.
Then somehow it turns into Beck.
I jolt awake, glancing to my right to find Tori watching me, her hand on my shoulder. She lets me go and I pull one AirPod out. “What?” I ask her, my voice shaky.
“You were talking in your sleep.” Her brows are lowered as she studies me.
“What was I saying?”
“No. On repeat.” She rubs my shoulder again, leaning in close to whisper, “I talked to Emma. She’s so mad at you.”
Stubbornness streaks through me. I’m still mad from the dream and clinging to it. “I’m mad at her too.”
A sigh leaves Tori and she glances in Emma’s direction before returning her attention to me. “She told me what you said.”
“Did she tell you what she said to me?” I raise a brow.
“Yes. Look, I know you two are heated right now, but you can work this out. She just…the truth hurts, you know? Lizzo doesn’t lie.”
I don’t even know how Tori can say that with a straight face, but she is right. Lizzo isn’t a liar with her song. The truth does hurt. And that’s all I did—was tell Emma the truth.
“Did Jonah really talk to her about me?” I ask.
Guilt flits in Tori’s eyes and I realize she knew. She always knew. I bet Emma told her. But why wouldn’t they tell me. “He didn’t do it to be mean. He asked because he didn’t know what to do.”