She felt tears begin to form in her eyes. She should have known he wasn’t interested in her. She’s seen He’s Just Not That Into You fifty times. If a guy is interested, they tell you. They show you. They make it happen. They don’t friend zone you.
Embarrassment washed over her, and she stood up. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to go to bed.” She was trying to keep it together as she rushed past him but he reached out and grabbed her wrist. It was the same thing he’d done after they went to Dining in the Dark.
“It’s not what you think. I’m not rejecting you…I just…even if we did decide that we wanted to be together, I don’t know if I actually could. Physically.”
“Oh,” Audrey was confused and her self-preservation was screaming at her to drop this and just go to bed. She was pretty sure she’d met her embarrassment quota for…her life in this one conversation. But still she heard herself continuing, “I thought you said that you were attracted to—"
“I am attracted to you. You have no idea how fucking attracted to you I am. It’s not that. It’s just. The last few times I’ve tried to be with someone, intimately, I haven’t been able to…perform. I don’t know if it’s mental or the medication I’m on.”
Audrey could see how difficult it was for Josh to talk about this. His shoulders were tense, and his jaw was tight. She could even see the vein on the side of his neck popping out. She suddenly felt like an asshole for pressing him on the subject.
“I’m sorry I said anything. Just forget—"
His hand tightened around her wrist. “I can’t forget it. Believe me, I’ve tried.” His lips twitched in a grin but then it fell, and his expression turned more serious. “I want you…so badly…” His voice was strained, and tension was rolling off of him in waves. “I just…I don’t want you to be disappointed or to ruin your first time.”
“Being with you could never disappoint me.” Audrey took a step toward him and lifted her free hand to his cheek. He tilted his head, so his face rested against her palm. “Besides, I don’t have anything to compare it to soooo…”
A smile spread on his face. “That’s true.”
She loved that they could still joke around even in this situation. She could always be herself with Josh and she hoped that he knew he could always be himself with her. She also hoped that no matter what did or didn’t happen tonight, that would never change.
His expression grew more serious as he asked, “How much experience do you have? Exactly?”
The raspiness in his deep voice spread through her like cream in hot coffee. She swallowed and felt her cheeks heat. Not from embarrassment, just from the subject matter they were discussing and the intensity in Josh’s stare.
“Um, well, I had a boyfriend in high school. You know about him. I’ve told you about him. The one that’s gay now. Or I guess he was gay then, too, but yeah him.” She took a breath as her heart beat wildly. She didn’t want to say or do anything that might change his mind. So she tried to calm down. “Anyway, I gave him a hand job once. At prom. He kept his eyes closed the entire time, which makes sense considering I wasn’t exactly his type.”
“That’s all that happened?” Josh asked.
“Um, yes and no. After he finished, he tried to…pleasure me but it just wasn’t working so I told him to stop.”
“But he touched you?” Josh’s voice was practically a growl.
Audrey nodded, loving the protective stare in his eyes. “It was over my underwear. He just sort of rubbed me, but it didn’t feel good so I just told him not to worry about it. That I was fine.”
“What about college?”
“I told you, I didn’t date anyone in college. I just… I don’t know…never wanted to.”
“Have you had an orgasm before?” he asked.
She nodded. “But only by myself.”
Josh’s jaw tensed and his nostrils flared. He stared at her for a second and she started to get scared that he was going to change his mind about tonight. She didn’t want to pressure him in any way, but she did really want this to happen.
“What?” she finally asked in a strangled whisper, not being able to take the suspense. If he changed his mind she just wanted to know.
“I’m just worried because…”
“Because why?”
“If I do anything you don’t like, or if anything doesn’t feel good and you want to stop, just promise me you’ll say so.”
That was never going to happen, but she nodded in agreement anyway.
“I’m serious, Audrey. I don’t want you to keep doing something you don’t like because you’re being polite and you hate any sort of confrontation.”
She smiled loving that he knew her so well. Because if it was anyone else, she probably would do that. But if it was anyone else, she wouldn’t be in this position because she never would have been that bold. “I’ll tell you if I don’t like something. And if I do.”
Josh must have liked her response because a soft moan fell from his lips as he lifted his hand and brushed her hair that had fallen across her face behind her ear. Then he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was gentle at first. But once she opened her mouth and his tongue slid into her mouth everything changed. Her hands wrapped around his neck and she let herself fall into the heady sensation.
When she felt herself being picked up, her eyes opened, and she broke the kiss.
“Where are we going?” She’d thought that making love in front of the fireplace would have been really romantic.
“I don’t want an audience.”
“An audie—” Her words trailed off when looked to the side and saw Thor panting on the other end of the couch.
How had she forgotten Thor was there?
She tightened her arms around Josh and snuggled her head into the crook of his neck. When she did she saw his tattoo and she pressed her lips to it. She’d always thought his ink was extremely sexy, but she’d kept her appreciation to herself. Now she could show him how much she loved it.
From the groan that vibrated in his chest, it seemed he enjoyed the attention. She continued kissing him softly, even using her tongue to lick his skin which tasted a little bit salty, until he entered the room and she heard the door shut behind them.
He set her down and the moment her feet hit the floor she felt him tugging her oversized shirt up. She lifted her arms so that he could pull the material up and over her head, which he did. When she lowered her arms back down, she was standing in front of him wearing only her bra and underwear. And they weren’t even matching, or that sexy. She had on a white lace bra and black cotton underwear. When she’d gotten dressed this morning, she’d had no idea that Josh would be seeing what she had on under her clothes.
She looked up at Josh and any self-consciousness she felt evaporated. The look in his eyes as they roamed up and down her body hungrily heated her from the inside out. The way he was looking at her made her want to show him even more.
Her hands were shaking as she lifted them behind her back and undid the hooks of her bra. Once it was undone, she lowered her arms and the bra slid down her arms. As the material fell to the floor, she slipped her fingers beneath the band on her underwear and pushed it down her hips and legs then stepped out of it.